Why We Shouldn’t Talk to Our Children All the Time
Show It, Don’t Shout It
I am Chinese, and I came to the UK when I was 16 years old. The first cultural shock I had was “small talk.” People in the UK talk about pointless things to fill the silence in the air.
“How was your drive here?” “What a lovely, sunny day!” “I love your hair!”…The most random question for me was “how are you?” because I soon realized that no one really cares. They say it, but they are not expecting an account of your life event. The only expected answer is, “I am good, thanks, and you?”
15 years later, I still find this the most absurd thing in British culture. Why do people talk so much? I am not saying Chinese people don’t talk.
People are accustomed to talking so much, especially in the west. Mindless things, serious things, funny things. Children are taught to ask for something with the magical word ‘please’ a healthy relationship is based on talking and analysing feelings.
It’s a good thing, but maybe not immediately. This article is specifically for children before the age of 7. Here’s why and what we can do about it instead.
Speaking activates the thinking mind
Speaking about something includes transferring an abstract concept in the head to formulate words, as opposed to doing it directly.
Say when a child falls, and it hurts, rather than crying and screaming, they will start thinking how can they express this feeling verbally, and say “it hurts.”
This is a great skill, but what it does, is it disrupted the direct feeling element. Looking at the adults today, many of us (including myself) need to have therapy sessions to start experiencing feeling again. Meditations also require us to feel what comes up in us without labeling or describing it. We are so accustomed to doing so from a young age that we are not connected to our bodies.
Similarly, thinking/talking diverts our energy and willpower. Please think of something and do it directly, especially as a child. When children saw a paper box like a car, they don’t talk about how it’s a car, they start “driving” the paper box. Once you make them talk about it, their attention may be diverted, this pushes them to become adult-like too quickly, too soon.
The thing about human beings is that we have a longer childhood than most mammals. There’s a scientific reason for it, and it’s probably best not to disrupt it. Urban children also become adult-like much quicker than rural children because their life includes much less doing . There’s less playing in the field, rolling around, but more materialistic, especially now, with the lack of space and the abundance of electronic goods.
Here are some ways I learn to speak less and talk more when I did the kindergarten training with a play-based school.
Create rhythm, so children know what to do always
In those play-based school, it might seem that the children are running around freely. However, if you observe closely, there’s a hidden timetable every day that’s very consistent and repeated day-after-day.
Children know what’s happening. They know that after storytime, it’s playtime. After playtime, they need to queue up to wash their hands, and it’s snack time. Even during snack time, the routine is the same, so they know where to get the cups and pass it to everyone, they know how many slices of apple they will get.
A child is doubtful to point at another child and complains they have more slices than me because this is carefully thought through, for children to laugh, play, and not speak too much.
Take some time to establish a routine at home, eat the same thing every day of each week. For example, have a routine like Monday is spaghetti day, Tuesday is fish cake day, etc. It’s hard for many parents to bring their work home and constantly get disrupted, I know. Use this as a principal, be flexible about it.
One trick for creating a rhythm to bed is a sleeping routine. Please make it a regular habit of starting packing bags together before sleep, brush their teeth, and bedtime. Always the same during the week, so they have enough time to wind down and tuck in.
Parents should do the same too
One of the best ways to create rhythm would be to do it yourself. I have seen so many parents speak about something but completely do another thing. Like telling their kids not to eat sweets almost whilst they are munching on chocolate, or tell their kids not to shout when they have fights with their other half in front of them.
Children mimic, they are seriously good at it. That’s how they learn, that’s why we think it’s cute when a son sleeps in the same post as their dad.
The best way to get a child to do something is to do it too, at least start it. Suppose you want a child to help folding laundry. Set up space for it and start doing it. Children might not respond at first, but with the third trick I’m about to tell you below, and perseverance, you might succeed.
If you start talking rather than showing, the more cheeky kids might deliberately go against it. It’s better to tap into their unconscious mind rather than activating their thinking mind.
Positive conditioning helps, too, obviously. All children want their parents to appreciate their efforts. Your smile, hugs, and compliments will make them very happy.
Sing it rather than speak it
Children’s ears have a different frequency, they respond better to singing than speaking. By the way, no one responds well to shouting, yet people do it often.
Perhaps it will be too much to ask the parents to sing to their kids in a supermarket when they start crying and asking for candies. But at home, seriously, you can sing the heck you want.
I have seen it with my own eyes. It was playtime in kindergarten, and the kids are all over the playground in their peak of swinging and running. It’s time to go back and have storytime, so the teacher starts singing. It’s not even a song. It just fits words in a melody, exactly like how people do it in musicals.
The kids turn their heads to the teacher at once. Because of the consistent rhythm, they know it’s storytime. But they don’t want to let go, so they run a bit more, but the teacher is still singing, occasionally add the children’s names in the “song.” Like “Otto, time to come; Annie, time for a story.” It’s loud enough but gentle.
Then a miracle happens, the kids come back, line up. Some children who are more eager to please will run at the first note the teacher sings because they want to be the first.
Just makeup whatever tune and keep the pitch relatively high. Not only will that make the kids follow you, but you will also be happier as well. Think Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. “Hi-ho, Hi-ho….”
When we cross the road with the children on our daily walk, we sing the song, “hold your hands, here we go, here we cross.” I wish I can sing it to you now you can know how beautiful it is. There are more techniques in composing the music, what can’t of tonal chords and cadence, etc. But I think any songs will be better than speaking/shouting. If in doubt, just fit words into Frozen’s “Let It Go”!
When I see parents shouting at their kids, I am concern about their cardio health and vocal cords. I wish more people know that to get to children, we can’t speak to adults. It’s like talking philosophy to a dog, and I really don’t know what can be accomplished there.
Creating rhythm, doing it together, and singing. Three things to make your household harmonious and almost Hans Christien Anderson like. Best of luck!
Hi! I am Midori, a top writer in parenting but also a writer for wider societal issues. How to make our culture better, how to make everyone happier? I have some insights. If your mind needs a bit of buzz, sign up for my mailing list here! I will send you a thought-provoking piece every week.