Why We Should Encourage Others to Talk about Their Late Loved Ones

Talking about the dead helps weave them into our present and future, and keeps their memory alive

The memory of this conversation visits me several times a year. Until recently, I was never sure why. I can still recall how her words made me prickle. I didn’t challenge her or try to educate her at the time. I didn’t have the vocabulary, maturity, or insight.

In my first year of university, a friend relayed a conversation she shared with her flatmate.

“oh, it was awful, last night my new flatmate told me her mum died of cancer. How awkward!”

I asked how she responded to her flatmate.

“I didn’t say anything! Are you kidding me? I just changed the subject, I didn’t know what to say, how awkward!”

My friend made the death of someone else’s mother about her!

She placed her own feelings of awkwardness above the feelings of the bereaved. She didn’t recognize the courage it took for her flatmate to share this information. She didn’t have the communication maturity to interpret her flatmate’s initiative in striking up this conversation. The flatmate was opening up the conversation, perhaps in desperation to talk about her late mother and the associated grief.

My friend was discompassionate. And by changing the subject, she invalidated her flatmate.

Can you imagine being the flatmate in these circumstances? Can you feel her loneliness?

This is not an isolated example. There is a myriad of stories from those who have endured the devastating loss of a loved one. One of their saddest struggles, which is avoidable, is the reaction of some of their friends and acquaintances.

This includes people crossing the street, pretending not to have seen the bereaved, to avoid speaking to them. Or people not contacting the bereaved in the first place, as they don’t know what to say. Some people, when face to face with the bereaved, avoid saying anything at all and treat death as a taboo subject.

These people aren’t being deliberately unkind. They are simply focusing on their own awkwardness and discomfort, instead of channeling their empathy.

Many of us don’t know what to say to someone who has lost a loved one. But you know what is worse than saying the wrong thing? Saying nothing at all. Even saying “I don’t know what to say” is better than saying nothing at all.

A bereaved person is not seeking the perfect words of condolences. They just want, no, they need to know they are not alone. Abandoning them due to our own feelings of awkwardness is placing our own needs before theirs. It is their hour of need, not ours. It is not about us, so let’s stop making it about us.

Learning how to communicate compassionately with our bereaved friends not only helps their grieving process but also deepens our connection with them. This communication is not restricted to the initial period following a death, it spans out over the years.

Conversation Cues For a Recent Bereavement

There are many ways to offer our condolences these days.

Remember, silence is not an option.

I understand it can be difficult to figure out quite what to say. We may struggle to figure out how to bring kindness and compassion into our message of condolences.

This article provides 75 exceptional messages of condolences. It even breaks them down to whether the bereaved’s loss is a spouse, parent, sibling, or pet. It has specific suggestions for those left behind after a suicide. It also has examples of appropriate messages for the anniversary of a death.

I particularly like the tip of sharing a memory or a personal anecdote of the deceased, with the bereaved.

We are not expected to be telepathic. If we are uncertain whether the bereaved want to talk about their loss, all we need to do is ask them. “Do you want to talk about it?” Are magical words, they show a willingness to listen. We can follow this up with “I’m always here if you want to talk.”

Remember, the death of a loved one can shatter the psyche of those left behind.

There is no time scale for grief. Whilst there are a couple of recognized models of the stages of grief these are only templates. Grief is individual.

Encourage conversation with the bereaved and let them direct the flow. Refrain from asking unnecessary questions. Consider it a need-to-know basis. We do not need to know specific details of the circumstances of the death. Avoid questions that may have the bereaved reliving the trauma of the death.

Top tip

Avoid saying anything along the lines of “let me know if I can do anything.” This places the onus on the bereaved. Instead, proactively contact the bereaved with specific gestures. Offer to bring them a meal, carry out house chores, pick up groceries, look after children or animals. Showing up in this manner will mean the world to the bereaved.

Conversation Cues For a Historical Bereavement

After the immediate rush of condolences, the distraction of funerals and formalities fade away. A wall of silence and isolation engulfs the bereaved. Checking in with them on a regular basis in the months after their loss may save them from the depths of despair. Never underestimate the power of a kind word, an invite, or a meal at this stage.

Fortunately, there comes a time with grief when the acute and suppressing sadness lifts and the memories of our late loved ones bring comfort.

My world stopped when my beloved K9 soulmate passed away. Even now, several years later, her death can floor me. I talk of her often and many friends who knew and loved her reminisce with me.

My heart sings when people who never even knew her, ask questions about her.

I recall feeling a sense of panic at forgetting some of her quirks. But some special souls around me encourage me to speak of them. This helps me feel I still have a connection to her.

A beautiful friend of mine lost both her children. I can not even begin to imagine her daily turmoil. Is this something you can ever recover from? I didn’t know her children. My friend came into my life after the tragedies. But we often talk of her children. She tells me heartfelt stories of them. She describes their characters and habits. I ask her what their opinions or reactions to things nowadays would be.

I know she relishes our conversations. I hear her mention her children to others, who don’t know how to interact, so they move the conversation on. My heart breaks for her when this happens.

It doesn’t matter how much time has passed. Whilst the acute phases of grief may be over, the waves of grief can sweep us off our feet at any stage, even years down the road.

Most of us have experienced the loss of a loved one at some stage. We can all play a role in ensuring our late loved ones are not confined to our past. We can help each other by reliving our memories and talking about how life would look if they were still with us. Speculating what our late loved ones would think of current world politics, the latest viral story, or controversial opinion can bring hilarity and reflection. It helps bring them from our past into our present and hopefully propel them into our future.

The Mexican holiday, The Day of the Dead (el Día de los Muertos), is coming up at the beginning of November. This is an annual event celebrating both life and death. Families welcome back the spirits of their late loved ones. Mexico is adorned with bright decorations, costumes, dancing, food, and drink. And what an incredible way to honor the dead, with celebration and laughter. With vibrancy and the creation of new memories and building upon old ones.

Gone But Not Forgotten

Our loved ones may be gone. But with the empathy and support of good listeners, we can share their stories. We can speculate on who they would be if they were still with us today. We can find solace and comfort in speaking about them.

Let’s harness the power of conversation to keep our loved ones with us.

It’s time to lean into our own feelings of awkwardness when we learn of another’s loss. Remember, silence is not an option. We may not know what to say, we may feel displaced with our compassion. But a few simple words, a gentle hug, and not relegating the deceased into a list of taboo topics will mean the world to the bereaved.

Thank you for reading Ali Hall