Why We Need the Bizarre Warning Labels

A middle-of-the-night revelation

You know those ridiculous warning labels that leave you wondering who the person is that needs to hear this? For example, the windshield shade warning: Do Not Drive While in Place.

Really? We need to be reminded?

Well, I think I get it now.

Before giving my explanation, I have a warning of my own:

Beware this story includes personal information that may be categorized as TMI (Too Much Information).

Let’s get that part over with.

I have to pee at least four times a night. I’ve come to believe an evil fairy takes joy in poking my bladder until I give in and get up. Before trekking down the hall to the bathroom, I have to squirt my dry eyes with liquid so I can open them far enough to see the path.

Okay, personal information is taken care of.

Let’s move on.

Last night, before turning the light out, I used the last eye drop. In my defense, you never know the bottle is empty until it puffs air instead of liquid. That means finding the bottle empty for the next trip to the bathroom. Because I cannot go without the drops, I keep a spare in the bathroom medicine cabinet.

Walking blindly to the bathroom is not nearly as dangerous as walking back. Why? Because you must steer clear of a very steep staircase positioned directly in front of the bathroom door as you exit.

Squinting, the best I can, I make my way to the cabinet, grab the new bottle, and sit my bum on the toilet. Oops, sorry, TMI. With no scissors or knife to remove the plastic coating on the lid, I attempt to bite a piece of it off.

Then I got worried, wondering if the plastic is toxic. I made sure I carefully spit it out and assured myself if it was I would have read a warning about it in the past. I run my fingers around the lid making sure the plastic coating is entirely gone. The plot thickens here, when after removing all the plastic, I cannot get the lid off anyway.

Standing at the top of the stairs, I pry my eyes open enough to see, a blurry Cooper, our dog, sitting on the platform below, asking to go outside. I have no explanation for why, at this moment, I let go of the eye drop bottle. Hearing the bottle bounce off each step, triggered a vision which led to the revelation as to why we need the strange warning labels.

That’s when I imagined myself sprawled at the bottom of the stairs, limbs like Gumby, pointing in odd directions, and my eyes glued shut. It’s a frightful thought since hubby takes his hearing aids out at night.

Along with the image of me splayed-out on the stair landing, came the revelation —

Those crazy warning signs sprout from instances like this one. We don’t know the backstory as to why the warning is needed. Clearly, the eye drops should have warned:

Do not chew on the plastic, get worried it may be poisonous, and drop the eyedrop bottle down a flight of stairs.

The picture would show a woman at the bottom of the stairs, limbs awry, with a cute dog standing by, wagging his tail.

In case you’re concerned, my natural tears returned enough that Cooper was let outside.

For further enjoyment, here’s a list of my favorite warning labels. Why not consider this a prompt and write a backstory for each one explaining why someone might logically need to be cautioned?

Warning label on a wheelbarrow:

Not intended for highway use.

Warning label on a baby stroller:

Remove child before folding.

Warning label on a thermometer:

Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally.

Warning label on a carpenter’s electric drill:

This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

Warning label on a takeout coffee cup:

Avoid pouring on the crotch area.

Warning label on a jet ski:

Never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level.

Warning label on a bottle of dog medication:

May cause drowsiness. Use care when operating a car.

Warning label on a dishwasher:

Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.

Warning label on a box of rat poison:

Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

Warning label on an iron-on shirt pattern:

Do not iron while wearing the shirt.

Warning label on a Razor scooter:

This product moves when used.

Warning label on a hairdryer:

Do not use while sleeping.

Warning label on a package of fireplace logs:

Risk of fire.

Warning label on a brass fishing hook:

Harmful if swallowed.

Warning label on a can of pepper spray:

May irritate eyes.

Warning label on a bar of soap:

Use like regular soap.

I am tagging those I think may be interested in this story and others who are my favorite writers and supporters. If you prefer I don’t tag you, please let me know.

Michele Maize, Scot Butwell, Don Drewniak, Joe Merkle, Toni the Talker, Dawn Ulmer, Julie KingGood, Pamela Oglesby, Elizabeth Emerald, Annelise Lords, Susan Wheelock, Douglas Lim, Natalie, Hollie Petit, Ph.D., Grace Bianco, Lori Wangler, Bett Harris, Lu Skerdoo, Karen Schwartz, Jan Sebastian 🖐👩‍🦰, B.R. Shenoy, Britt H., Rosa Diaz-Casal