Why We Do Things We Don’t Really Want To Do

Because we think we don’t deserve better

Today, like most other days, I found myself staying up all night smashing the keyboard for 1000, 2000, 3000 words. One client after another, a PR piece here, an SEO blog post there, from how to be a better Yogi to how to train your dog — I wrote about anything and everything assigned to me.

I didn’t do it because of a contract. I didn’t do it because I am passionate about the topics. And I definitely didn’t do it for the money.

Then why did I slave away all night working for someone halfway around the world, someone I’ve never met and probably never will?

Nobody forced me to do anything. There were no unfortunate circumstances. I had no word to keep.

Yet day after day, I find myself hitting the keyboard, the moment I open my eyes in the morning (afternoon, actually — I worked all night, remember?).

If I wanted to write for the sake of writing, at least I could have chosen something I actually know something about, or at least have a deep-rooted interest in.

But time and again, I find myself closing the doors to creativity and churning out SEO blog posts so other people can make money off my time, energy and writing skills.

And I do my job well. Just because I don’t personally care about these topics and brands, doesn’t mean I do a lousy job. Au contraire, I spend most of my time and energy delivering the best possible work.

Why?

This is not something I want to be doing.

I want to be a features journalist covering mental health, culture and society. Then why, despite my training, experience and expertise, do I keep throwing myself into shallow, meaningless PR posts?

My limiting beliefs tell me I’m not worth it

I read these amazing long-form articles and feature stories published in high-authority publications. I stare in awe and tell myself — I can never write that well. I’m just not good enough.

I believe my writing skills (and, by extension, I as an individual) are only worth writing small-scale, how-to articles stuffed with keywords, forcing the readers who came for some genuine information, to buy something they don’t really need.

Just today, when I was writing the dog training article, the most common tip on every ‘informational’ website was: ‘Buy our training program’.

They nearly convinced even me to buy their ebooks, lecture videos and instruction manuals because ‘I will lose out on the most important dog lessons if I don’t- the kind I’ll never, ever find anywhere else again and definitely not so cheap ($599)’.

I don’t want to manipulate people like this. Not for $10, not for $10,000. If the profits in your business come from misleading and manipulating people, it’s not a business, it’s exploitation. And, I don’t want to be a part of this shit show.

But I am. Why?

Because I have been raised to believe:

• The world is a hard place
• Passion doesn’t pay bills
• You shouldn’t ask too many questions
• If you see trouble, look the other way
• You’ll fail anyway
• Settle for whatever you have
• You’re not worth the bigger things

Every single day, I try, to the best of my ability to unlearn this toxicity but we aren’t always fully in control of our actions — especially the ones that stem from deep subconscious beliefs ingrained during the childhood.

Playing small affirms my low self-esteem

When I get a $1 a word feature story idea, I immediately stash it somewhere I can never find it again. I have thrown away numerous timely, relevant story ideas with a powerful story angle, simply because I thought I don’t have it in me to follow through and write them.

I thought I’d ruin the story and make a fool of myself, so I let it go. Again, and again, every day until my mind stopped coming up with ideas at all.

I fell back into my comfort zone — the small markets hungry for SEO blogs. Dogs, cats, kitchen, fans, lipstick, real estate — anything. With efficient research skills and a strong flair for writing, I could pump out hundreds of such posts, pouring thousands of dollars into my client’s bank accounts.

I take up these small gigs here and there, and they fill my schedule until suddenly I’ve got no time to work on my own passions. This only serves to affirm my low self-esteem. I believe I don’t deserve better, so I play small. When I play small, I strengthen the belief that I deserve small and the cycle goes on, fortifying all those beliefs I am trying so hard to unlearn.

Why do I do a good job when a lousy one would suffice?

My work ethic.

Sometimes I wonder why. I could easily get away with subpar work. So, why spend maddening hours and energy into it for the same price?

Perhaps at some level, I care about their business. Even though I am not jumping out of my bed, excited to write for them, I respect their goals.

They are paying me to deliver content that could potentially bring in some traffic and revenue, they are paying me to do something I claim I can do well — so I deliver.

I empathise with their goals even if I may not agree with them.

I understand they are here to achieve something, to grow into something. So, if I can play a small part to help them get there, I’d be happy to help.

Maybe I am generous, but most probably, it’s the selfish satisfaction we humans get when we help others.

Either way, they trust me with their business and I uphold my promise to the best of my ability.

Helping others is a coping mechanism to avoid your own problems

I spend so much of my time fixing other people’s businesses, I never take a moment to look at my own.

I push myself to be ‘busy’ so I can conveniently neglect my true capabilities and desires.

Right here, right now, I could shoot an email to an editor and pitch one of those deeply buried golden story ideas. But I don’t. Because I can’t allow myself to succeed. I can’t allow myself to be worthy. Because I believe I’m unworthy, not good enough.

So I sabotage that faint possibility of greatness and hunker down to work on ‘crafting compelling content that converts’.

And I keep circling back and forth over the plaguing questions eating me up inside out and the piercing answer that hurts more and more each time I say it:

Why I do things I don’t really want to do? Because I don’t believe I deserve any better.

Question your limiting beliefs with compassion

Nobody is perfect — no matter how polished and glossy their websites and social handles look. It doesn't matter whether you are just starting out, or established in your field, there are going to be days where you drown in an incessant stream of self-doubt. There will be days when you look at your work and cringe because it’s never going to be half as good as the next person’s.

But that’s just your conditioned beliefs holding you back from stepping into your greatest self.

Your beliefs will tell you you’re not good enough and you are better off doing something else, something smaller.

It’s just your brain’s imperfect way of keeping you safe. It’s convincing you to play small because change is scary, success can feel intimidating.

Awareness is the key here. Instead of being trapped in a never-ending cycle of self-defeating behaviours and guilt, understand what’s happening. Become aware of these beliefs— ask yourself where they come from and why they are here.

Once you look at this with a compassionate, understanding lens, you give yourself permission to stop bulldozing through your resistance and untangle the knots softly.

This will help you gently break out of self-defeating cycles to pursue a path of growth and authentic expression.