Why We Are a Complicated Puzzle of Experiences
Life complications come to us all, but it’s how we deal with them that counts.
I believe strongly that characters are five-dimensional, and they’re complicated, and life is complicated, and people are complicated. Lee Daniels
In recent weeks I began thinking about how life complications affect who we are. We live within relationships from the day we are removed from the womb. We have no idea what the world holds for us. We are handed to our parents, and from there, it’s an adventure writing its own story.
When Kobe Bryant died in January, the world was covered in a whisper. Grown men stood devastated and cried about the death of their hero. I shed tears for him, Gigi, and the 7 other passengers whose lives were tragically cut short on a foggy Sunday morning.
However, even before the man was buried in the cold ground, his complicated legacy was being discussed. Most of us are familiar with the incident in 2003. Kobe was accused of sexual assault and later apologized for his actions. I am not here to pass judgment on the man but only to draw your attention to the complications that arise due to our decisions or interactions with people.
Is it okay to bring the accusation up so close after his death? I don’t have the answer to that question. Why? Because that’s up to history to decide. It’s up to history to determine if he did enough to make amends for his transgression. I am sure it changed his life and the life of the young lady he was accused of sexually assaulting.
After retirement, he really put all he had into his family and young women’s sports. Were his charitable contributions enough? Was his Black Mamba Sports Academy enough?
He only had four years before his death to continue the rebuilding of his legacy. Still, unfortunately, he won’t get that chance. Kobe was only 41 years old. If he reached elder status like Bill Russell, Magic Johnson, or Larry Bird, would this still be brought up so quickly?
I don’t really know, but the impact may have been less if more time passed. However, we will never know because death took him away too soon.
Kobe’s actions in Colorado complicated his legacy but we are all complicated by our life choices- good or bad.
How and why complications almost destroyed my marriage
In my 48 years of being alive, I have complicated my life with bad choices. My wife and I married nearly 20 years ago, and we have been together for 25. However, in the early years, I was awful and angry. I didn’t know how to be a husband.
Please remember parents your kids are watching you, and if you are living a bad example, trust your children will follow the same path. Your choices will complicate their lives in the future.
I couldn’t communicate without yelling or stalking through the house like an enraged lunatic. I couldn’t see what this was doing to my wife and our marriage. I would throw things, not at her, but at the wall or the floor. I was turning into what I witnessed as a child.
My wife would say something simple, and it turned into me yelling and bubbling with irrational anger. My emotional maturity was complicated by experiences. Each and every incident of yelling and cussing, I witnessed as a child complicated who I became in a marriage.
Marriages and relationships are complicated. They are complicated by the baggage we drag with us. I imagine it like Marley in “A Christmas Carol.” We all have chains that bind us to who we are. Baggage is attached to the chain and we carry it similarly to how Marley carried his transgressions in the afterlife. He didn’t have a chance to make amends with his baggage, but we do.
I had to unpack my baggage to save my marriage. Only I could unlock the chain around my soul and heart. If I didn’t, I was going to lose the best thing to ever happen to a broken man like me- my wife.
At some point in life, we must make a crucial decision, and that is to stay the same or change. We must understand how complicated life is and take the proper steps to be a better spouse, partner, or friend. If we don’t, we will allow complications in our life to stifle us and possibly destroy our relationships.
I teach complicated children every day, and it tears at my heart
I’ve taught in inner-city schools for almost 23 years. I’ve witnessed children in horrible emotional pain. Their lives are complicated by adults who, at most times, don’t mean too but are doing the best they can to make ends meet.
Most of my students grow up in single-parent homes. Furthermore, they are attempting to take care of several younger siblings while their mothers or fathers are out trying to keep the fridge full or the lights on. They are struggling to do their homework or stay in school. Several of my students have dropped out of school altogether. I teach some dropouts as young as 15.
They are lost and don’t know where to go. Most of my students want to complete their education, but it’s complicated.
I teach in the local juvenile detention center, and all of my kids have committed crimes. Why? Because in most cases, it’s a matter of survival, and the allure of the streets is difficult to walk away from.
Furthermore, If I had a nickel for ever time a child told me they were done with the streets, I would retire tomorrow and buy a beach house in the Bahamas. It’s complicated for these kids. The attraction of the fast dollar is hard to resist, and the pressure of peers is unbelievable.
It may be hard to fathom for some that kids are stealing and prowling the streets because of issues at home, but it’s true.
Several of my students are in the custody of The Department of Family Services or DCFS. Can you, as a parent or even a future parent, explain to your children that you don’t want them because they are a burden to you? Could you tell a family services employee you are too tired to talk about your own child who is in their custody?
These are the tragedies that complicate my students’ lives. Domestic violence is a severe issue in my community. The majority of the students in my care witnessed domestic violence of some type in their homes. In some cases, the student is the perpetrator of the incident. At least twice, if not three times a year, a parent calls crying and wailing about their child physically fighting them. They believe the only solution is to lock their child in juvenile.
It’s a known fact that kids who witness domestic abuse have a higher chance of becoming abusers in later life. Furthermore, children who have witnessed violence are more likely to commit crimes and participate in risky behaviors, such as drugs, alcohol, and unprotected sex. These are all complications added to the mix of the human equation. We are made who we are due to exposure and what we witness in our most formative years.
Several more of my students’ lives are complicated because they are young parents. Furthermore, they have no diploma or job to support themselves or their child.
It’s challenging to raise children as an adult. However, imagine trying to do it at 17 years of age. Imagine fighting court cases and attending probation meetings when you are trying to raise or provide for a child. In some cases, they have little or no support to assist them in raising their children.
Furthermore, finding a job can be difficult. Childcare is expensive, and it’s hard to find someone to babysit while attempting to work or attend school. Kids often return for various reasons to JDC. And most of the time, it’s because of a probation violation or the commission of another crime.
My colleagues and I try our best to address the complications of our students, but we often don’t have the answers. We can only do our best for them while they are detained and hope they leave better than when they arrived.
Final thoughts…..
We all have complications in our lives. These instances make us who we are and affect our relationships with other human beings. It doesn’t matter how much money you possess or your status because life doles out problems to us all.
We have two choices when it comes to dealing with complications. We can either lie down and give up or fight through. If we fight, it can lead to better relationships in the long run. Maybe we may learn something about ourselves we didn’t know before.
If we make mistakes, we should learn from them and then try again. I believe we can make amends for our transgressions. I think it’s possible to earn forgiveness and ease some of the complications life brings to our relationships.
Lying down shouldn’t be an option. You can either allow your mistakes or life complications to define you or write your definition.
Some of my students witness awful cruelty in their lives. However, I believe the majority of them want to do better and are not willing to allow complications to push them into a corner. Yet, some of my students don’t know where to begin the process of healing, and without the proper equipment in the emotional toolbox, they may never reach the success they so much desire.
They are willing to fight, and you know what- some of them will win. If life is really beating you right now, I know you will come out victorious too.
Estacious(Charles White) is a 23-year educator. He began writing over 25 years ago. His work experience encompasses managing schools and teaching a variety of subjects. His passions are poetry, short fiction, playwrighting, and non-fiction. He won one of six prizes in the Rockford play festival for his play “Incarcerated Christmas”. He is married with three children and a native of New Orleans.