Why Walking Away From the Wrong Person is Not As Easy As You May Think
It’s all fun and games until it all comes crashing down
The Summer of 2019 was my summer of absolute debauchery. It wasn’t the proudest period of my life, but it certainly added some drama in terms of storytelling.
Dating apps are a bizarre and unique place to be. It’s a forum for people looking for the one, the one…for now, the one that poses as the one but ends up not being the one. For many, it can be an ego boost (my best friend had sixteen thousand likes on her debut to the app in one evening) or, in some cases, a humbler that makes you ask the wrong questions about your life (that your brain oh so generously provides a list of unwanted answers), spiraling you into a deeper wallow than you were previously in.
Between the graveyard of dead-end conversations, rejection, heartbreak and a metaphorical door that’s just about ajar enough to allow your naive hope to squeeze its way through, dating has become a campaign not for the faint of heart, seldom with reward.
For two and a half years, I would have a start-stop relationship with dating apps, finding myself burning out, spending ridiculous amounts of money on extra perks these apps had to ‘raise my exposure,’ unaware that I was feeding my own insecurity.
My sabbaticals from dating apps would prove only having me chasing the dragon as I’d find myself bored out of my mind, needing some semblance of excitement that would shake the foundations of my life. Little did I know what would await.
Finding meaning in pleasure
“When a person can’t find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor
Contrary to what billboards and ads may have you believing, centralizing your life around pleasure is not what it is cracked out to be, and it can also be a dangerous game.
When you are driven by pleasure, life is always elsewhere. Fun times are always elsewhere, and it’s a rigid mindset to shake off. The more I deem happiness to be elsewhere and everywhere, but here, the more I am giving my power away.
This is where I was when it came to dating. Becoming so consumed by the ‘game’ of it and chasing that allusive need for validation and fulfillment meant doing so at my self-worth.
That’s the thing with pleasure that there is no cap, there is no ceiling. The more we visit it, the more we want, well, more!
I had found someone who was fun to be around, but it was far from the most stimulating in terms of substance and conversation, yet no matter how many times I tried to end things, I came back every time.
What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just walk away?
The pitfalls of riding the wave
One of the most frustrating things in human interactions is dealing with someone who is conscious that they are keeping themselves, prisoners, in their destructive habit. Well, that’s what I was doing to myself.
It’s one thing to unconsciously be a victim by one’s nature and another thing to know that you are contributing to your own downfall but actively choosing not to get off the destructive path.
I knew I was with the wrong person at that time; I knew there was no future. I knew I was distracting myself with another person, who too was living in a state of purgatory, waiting for life to throw a bone a meaningful purpose that they could latch onto, only for it to go begging.
I did nothing about it. Why? Because taking responsibility for it was admitting something was missing in my life, and like what many avid drinkers will tell you, the best way to keep off a hangover is to keep on drinking. So I did.
I rode the wave because life at that point was so mundane for me that I chose fleeting excitement and pleasure over meaning and purpose.
Jumping off
I do feel there are times in life one needs to lose themselves to find themselves. This doesn’t permit open season to entertain destructive behavior. Still, sometimes it’s only in losing oneself we are afforded a particular perspective on life that is not usually afforded to us in our everyday lives.
If there’s one thing, I’ve learned the most is not to underestimate the compounding power that momentum can give, good and bad.
Moments of late nights texts, calls, spontaneous visits, late nights drinks on a whim, spending days on end together with no signs of a break, to the point of becoming a glorified zombie had run its course.
I knew there would also be a period of unwiring, but after a while, once I had set the correct systems in place, creating daily practices that I could depend on to minimize the likelihood of reverting to my old ways.
At the time, walking away did not come easy to me; however, it was only when I distanced myself that I could see the grander picture for what it was.
Projecting life as elsewhere, whether it’s people or experiences, always leads to heartbreak and disappointment. Whether you believe in spirituality or not or whether it’s our minds doing it for us, the more we focus on what’s lacking, the more I find life to throw more lacking answers my way.
There’s a power to the momentum that I feel doesn’t get talked about enough. No matter what the speed, momentum can predict what results we get in life. Good or bad. So many times, I’ve traded endless pleasure over momentum, only to succumb to guilt and disappointment. I’m not saying never to choose pleasure. I’m saying be wary, not abuse or lose yourself in pleasure, because I know firsthand what existential despair it can ultimately bring to one’s life.
Life can only change from confronting it, not escaping it.