Why Waiting For An Apology Is Futile
Take your power back
Only a fool is interested in other people’s guilt since he cannot alter it. The wise man learns only from his own guilt.
He will ask himself: Who am I that all this should happen to me? To find the answer to this fateful question he will look into his own heart.” ― C.G. Jung, Dreams
Fantasizing karma getting to that person who broke my heart seemed much more pleasurable than fantasizing about a dinner date with Hugh Jackman.
Imagining an apology from those who dared to leave me, hurt, and break me physically, mentally, and spiritually has always given me comfort in those wee hours before I drift off into sleep.
I wanted to see them wallow in the guilt of hurting a beautiful soul like me and meet people who ignore them so that they regret the gem they were stupid enough to let go of.
I was delusional and my upbringing too had a mix of weird logic.
When I got lesser marks than I planned, I would hear — “oh, you disrespect elders and this is what life gives you.”
One slight digression, I was humbled by an equation that went:
you faltered, you deserved it because you did x previously
per this twisted belief, I wanted those who hurt me to suffer because,
you did this hence you deserve to falter, fail, die, or vanish from plain sight
And I wanted that apology to free me much more than they needed because I wanted the logic to hold.
I remember telling my father about my past struggles with depression and how certain actions of him over the decades have created irreversible damage to my soul.
His reply :
“But what about all the other good things I did for you?”
How easy was it to say for him.
I wanted to forgive him but I wanted that apology as a payment which I didn’t receive at all.
I wished a painful death to a certain relative who physically abused me as a child. Think of a huge vehicle, accident, gruesome death all that.
These imaginations helped me to forget the shock and to feel stronger as a child.
I grew up thinking I was some kind of a magical person who could wish pain to anyone who dared to hurt her.
My ex, my father, that relative, that rude receptionist — the list is endless.
I trusted in a force bigger than me — God, good people, karma to avenge those who harm not only me but anyone closer to me.
I was always angry, it seemed to hide my inability to protect myself during the incident.
I was scared.
But what no one told me was the terrible effect it would have on my psyche and as a consequence my health.
All I got was life-does not-work-the-way-you-bi**h middle ginger mostly.
Well, what about that relative?
He lived happily to 89 years, died in his sleep, and was given a respectful funeral by his family.
What The Wait Does To Us
As much as anger, a desire for poetic justice soothes a searing pain of helplessness, the price we gave in return for this toxic cure is disproportionately high — We pay in the currency of our peace and life energy.
“When you begin a journey of revenge, start by digging two graves: one for your enemy, and one for yourself.”
― Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes
For me, this quote translates to living a shell of life because all the goodness of being alive is diverted toward those who hurt us.
It may be good or bad but energy empowers them.
We are left drained with a weak spirit.
Yet, you can make a choice.
You Can Always Choose To Take Your Power Back
The Buddha compared anger to holding a hot coal.
Waiting for someone’s guilt to heal you is equal to anchoring yourself to a specific time frame in your life and expecting them to free you with the admission of guilt.
You give them your power, peace, and happiness and just expect a bare minimum gesture of owning up to their sins in return.
But guess what — the ones who hurt you knew exactly what they were doing, blissfully unaware of your struggles, or see whatever harm they caused through a shockingly indifferent lens.
As harsh as it sounds, you are powering the perpetrator for you to keep being the victim.
The only thing to do here is to find a way to release that anchor by yourself.
Your pain is yours and just yours only.
You might project it, run away from it, bury it in addiction, or treat your body like shit to chase it away but the pain just sits there like the blazing sun.
The only way to freedom is to face the pain head-on.
Brutal Honesty and A Lot Of Self-Compassion
If we are not careful, we can end up hurting ourselves much more.
What can we do?
- Being brutally honest with our pain and seeking solace is first
- Being extra careful with choosing trusted friends to share our hurts with
- Choose to know that what happened is not a reflection of our weakness or bad luck
- No one deserves what happens to them, but what they do deserve is a life without having to hold revenge
- Seek professional help
- Connect with your inner child and work together to address pain
- Be willing to restart the healing journey again and again
Final Thoughts
Don’t wait for that apology. It blocks your life from flowing. Trust me, you need all your energy to build a happy life for yourself and not spend it waiting in a time freeze.
The choice to take back to your power is yours.
The choice to address the pain and transcend is yours.
The chance to forgive yourself and heal the relationship with your inner child is yours.
The choice to prove that you are bigger than anything that has been done to you, all that has happened to you is yours.
You have a wonderful body, spirit, and mind — you always, always, always have a choice!
Thank you for reading!