Why Today’s Women Need to Learn to Live Softly

If “grinding” is making you miserable, maybe you need to stop doing it

Aldus Huxley says:

“Successful people have learned to make themselves do the thing that has to be done, when it has to be done, whether they like it or not.”

And while I’m sure Mr. Huxley’s words are meant to motivate, reading them makes me sick to my stomach.

Why?

All my life, I’ve pushed myself. I’ve done “the things that [had] to be done, when they[had] to be done, whether [I liked] it or not.”

And I’m exhausted. Well done. Like a steak that’s cooked so long there’s no juiciness left.

And you know what? The juice is the good stuff.

The fact is that even though the world may try to convince us otherwise, life isn’t about throwing ourselves into the fire and staying there until we’re burnt to a crisp. It’s about breathing. Resting. Exhaling.

It’s about the relaxed rising and falling of your chest, not about purposefully taking “deep cleansing breaths” so the doctor won’t send you straight to the hospital when he takes your blood pressure.

It’s about being at peace, even if it means a pay cut. It’s about sitting and laughing with your family instead of sitting and staring at your computer.

It’s about realizing you’ve got one life to live. It’s about understanding that a new couch is worthless if it keeps you from rocking with your partner on a starry night. It’s about recognizing that a hot bath, soft pajamas, and a two-dollar bottle of glittery nail polish can feed your soul more than any cheap plaque engraved with “Employee of the Month.”

Living softly means refusing to beat ourselves up.

Living softly requires us to change how we look at ourselves and life. It requires us to reevaluate our priorities, to stop believing that life is all about productivity and perfection instead of peace and happiness.

For example, as women, we’re our own worst enemies. We beat ourselves up daily for things we do (or don’t do) as mothers, employees, and women. For example, I’m betting at least some of the following things have run through your head.

• “No wonder people laugh at me. I look like a whale. If I were more disciplined, I would get my fat ass to the gym.”
• “No wonder I didn’t get the raise. Every evening, I sat in front of the television when I should have been working to improve the project.”
• “No wonder my children are unhappy. I should be spending more quality time with them after work.”
• “No wonder my husband doesn’t show me any attention. I look like a slob. If I fixed myself up and stopped wearing messy buns and sweats all the time, he’d find me more attractive.”

Thoughts like these are toxic, yet we continue to think them and allow them to destroy our mental health. Sadly, in doing so, we deny ourselves any chance at peace and happiness.

Living softly involves giving ourselves grace. It doesn’t mean that we don’t try to make positive changes. It just means that we show some mercy to ourselves. It means that some days we feel proud of ourselves for simply surviving. It means celebrating all the things we do instead of scolding ourselves for what didn’t get done. It means showing ourselves the same compassion that we show everyone else.

“And some days I forget what it is to be gentle with myself — how to look at myself with kind eyes and speak to myself with soft words. Forget that I am my home and a temple worthy of worship.” — Becca Lee

Living softly means nurturing our senses.

Smell. Taste. Touch. Sight. Sound.

Your five senses are one of the greatest keys to living softly, and giving them what they want will go a long way to improving your happiness.

For example, when I get home, I take a bath. An extremely hot one. I put lavender Epsom salts in to relax me. Then, I put on my softest pajamas — holey ones that have been washed so many times they feel like butter against my skin.

I do this before I do anything else because these small acts of self-care relax and calm me. Because I have indulged my senses, I respond to things more positively. For example, small worries stay small, and large worries diminish. Things that would “set me off” roll off my back. It’s like a new “me” is born, one that I like much better than the on-edge parent and partner I am before I treat myself to some sensual healing.

Hopefully, you also have certain “soft” routines with the same transformative effect. Keep doing them. Then, add in more for even more joy.

Some “soft” options for making the most of your senses

• Light scented candles. (These activate relaxation as they appeal to both your sense of sight and smell.)
• Make use of body oils and exfoliating scrubs that soften your skin. (They also come in delicious scents.)
• Wear soft pajamas.
• Go outside and sit under the stars. Carry a glass of wine, tea, or coffee to up the atmosphere. Bring along your partner for company if you prefer. (These activate relaxation as they appeal to both your sense of sight and smell.)
• Install Edison bulbs and dimmer switches that create a more tranquil (and romantic) environment.
• Play soothing songs and read your favorite book.
• Invest in a sound machine or use your Alexa to help you sleep by listening to ocean sounds, crackling fireplaces, gentle rains, or white noise.
• Love on your pets. (Johns Hopkins Medicine reports that “research has shown that simply petting a dog lowers the stress hormone cortisol, while the social interaction between people and their dogs actually increases levels of the feel-good hormone oxytocin.”)
• Wear your favorite perfume.
• Buy a diffuser or wax burner and fill it with your favorite scent.
• Buy sheets that appeal to your sense of touch.
• Give yourself a pedicure, a facial, and then paint your nails.
• Touch your partner. Hug them. Hold hands. Snuggle on the couch.

“The universe is abundant and supports each of us. In order to see this through, we must open all of our senses.” — Thomas Lloyd Qualls

The bottom line:

Living softly will not win you any awards or put more dollars in your pockets.

What it will do is let you breathe. Let you experience the beauty of life. Let you begin to see that nothing matters more than peace and joy.

And when your coworker asks you if you like their brand-new car, say yes. After all, they’ve worked hard to get it.

However, just remind yourself that no shiny vehicle beats the sight of a sunrise, and no velvet seats are as soft as your worn-out couch, your puppy’s fur, and your partner’s skin against yours.

Now go. Do your version of soft. You can thank me later.

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