Why Tips & Tricks Don’t Work

And What To Do Instead

The Techniques That Led to One Failed Relationship

I’ve been studying social skills for 10 years.

I wish someone would take my brain and erase most of what I’ve learned.

Eye contact, body language, vocal tonality, and improv comedy are topics I’ve dissected, implement, and perhaps mastered but ultimately kept me from real success.

I’d go to a party, bar, or club and talk to a girl I found attractive, maintain solid eye contact, and say something witty while having relaxed body language, and she’d like me.

The next night out, I’d do the same thing and get the same results.

“Hey this eye contact, witty comment, calm body language thing really works.”

Over time I became dependent on techniques and felt trapped in my head.

“How’s my eye contact? I need to hold contact until she breaks my gaze.”

“What funny thing should I say? I need to say something funny. Hurry! Think!”

“How’s my body language? I need to look chill so she thinks I’m confident and will like me.”

The problem with tips and tricks is the underlying frame behind their use.

“I don’t believe I’m good enough the way I am, so I have to ‘do something’ to get people to like me.”

The more success you have using techniques, the more the underlying frame gets reinforced.

“She likes me because of my eye contact, so I always have to have good eye contact.”

I was so excited when I got my first girlfriend.

But because I attracted her using tips and tricks, I felt like I always had to use them to keep her desire.

While driving to her house to hang out, I’d try to calm my nerves and relax my body so I’d appear happy and confident.

The relationship lasted three months. It was the most anxiety-ridden three months of my life because I never felt like I could be myself.

My nose was deep in another self-help book as soon as we broke up. The more information I consumed, the more confused and stiff I became.

It wasn’t until I learned to let go of trauma energy that my social interactions and relationships felt easy and pleasurable.

How To Let Go of Trauma Energy

Trauma varies. It isn’t limited to war veterans and rape victims.

A disapproving comment from a parent, an insult from a peer, and misinformation from social media can cause emotional turmoil that stays trapped within your mind and body.

There are many different angles you could take to release trauma energy. Here are 4 practices and mental shifts to help you let go of trauma, which will make socializing and dating less complicated:

1.Stop trying to control everything

Shame is trauma’s master emotion.

If you didn’t feel low about yourself, you wouldn’t be inclined to study techniques. In fact, doing so would seem weird.

But because shame is an unpleasant feeling, we attempt to suppress it as much as possible.

Making mistakes will trigger your believed inadequacy. We attempt to control our inner and outer world to avoid waking shame.

“I won’t get rejected if I learn everything there to know about social skills and relationships.”

Control and perfectionism are shame’s masks.

The remaining tools will be geared toward healing shame.

2.Become internally validated

When you believe you’re not good enough, you’ll look for outside proof that you are enough.

“If I get her to like me, that’ll mean I’m cool.”

To become internally validated, you have to accept everything that is you unconditionally. Acceptance doesn’t mean like.

I’m overweight right now. I don’t like the way I look or the fact my clothes fit tighter, but beating myself up over it isn’t going to help.

If I didn’t accept my current physical appearance, I’d look for outside approval to feel good about myself.

Acceptance removes the tension from acknowledging your truth.

External approval is unnecessary when you’re internally content.

3.Change your RAS

RAS is your Reticular Activation System. It’s a part of the brain that chooses what we focus on.

We can determine our focus and retrain our RAS. Affirmations will train your mind to concentrate on aspects of your self that are positive.

Traditional affirmations don’t work because they attempt to fight or rebuttal shame. They’re a tip or trick to change who you are.

The frame of traditional affirmations are “you’re thoughts are bad. You need to change them to good ones.”

Traditional affirmations only strengthen shame because they install the belief there is something inherently wrong with you.

Compassionate affirmations differ from traditional affirmations because they change your relationship with yourself.

Instead of being mean to yourself by focusing on your negative aspects or viewing them in an inferior way, you’d choose to be nice to yourself by noticing your positive traits and qualities.

4.Socializing is supposed to be fun

Socializing and relationships are supposed to be fun, carefree, and light.

Let go of “needing” to get a reaction, of “needing” to get a human you believe will make you happier.

Use socializing as a tool to release tension and reconnect to your inner untethered child.

Disclaimer:

Don’t use the mentioned practices to get better results.

Positive habits and information used for the wrong intent will garner negative results.

You may even get results, but they’ll be setting you further back from your long term goals.

Also, techniques aren’t “bad.” They’re useful and should be learned. But the intention behind their use needs to change.

Don’t use techniques as a be-all-end-all. Tips are training wheels reconnecting you to your core.

Relaxed, solid eye contact happens naturally as you get out of your head and become present to the moment.

Lastly, results don’t determine your worth.

Of course, we all want them, but don’t let them control how you view yourself or life.

Heal Wounds to Make Your Skin Crawl

We all want connection, intimacy, and love.

Techniques, tips, and tricks will border you from your innate desires.

Heal the wounds that tell you you’re not good enough; the wounds that use control and fear as oxygen.

You’re on the right path when the thought of being anything but you makes your skin crawl.

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