Summary

The article discusses the addictive nature of a narcissist's love due to intense idealization, intermittent reinforcement, and the narcissist's ability to connect with susceptible individuals.

Abstract

The article "Why the Narcissist’s “Love” Is So Powerfully Addictive" explains that the allure of a narcissist's love stems from an initial phase of intense idealization, where the narcissist showers their partner with adoration that feels divine and magical. This phase, known as lovebombing, is followed by devaluation and abuse, creating a cycle that is hard to break due to the intermittent nature of the reward (the narcissist's affection). The article suggests that narcissists are drawn to individuals who are deeply empathetic and capable of forming strong bonds, making the connection even more potent. The unpredictability of the narcissist's behavior triggers an obsessive neurochemical response in their partners. Despite the technical possibility of change, realistically, narcissists rarely overcome their patterns. The article emphasizes the challenge of breaking free from such a relationship, likening it to overcoming a chemical addiction, and offers strategies for moving on.

Opinions

The author believes that the love provided by a narcissist is exceptionally intense and worshipful, often feeling sublime or magical during the lovebombing phase.
It is conveyed that the narcissist's love is not sustainable due to its basis on a fragmented view of reality and the inevitable introduction of the narcissist's other, less desirable traits.
The article posits that the intermittent nature of the narcissist's positive reinforcement is highly addictive, akin to the most powerful form of reward as demonstrated in psychological studies with rats.
The author suggests that individuals who are particularly empathetic, sensitive, or neurodivergent are more susceptible to the narcissist's charms and thus more likely to form a strong, trauma-induced bond with them.
The opinion is expressed that while change is theoretically possible for a narcissist, it is highly unlikely in practice due to significant obstacles, making it unrealistic to hope for a consistent, healthy relationship with them.
The author advises that breaking free from a narcissistic relationship requires strength, strategy, and perseverance, akin to overcoming a substance addiction, and that doing so is crucial to prevent further damage.

Why the Narcissist’s “Love” Is So Powerfully Addictive

If you’ve ever been involved with a narcissist you know that there are few things on the face of this earth more addictive than their love and attention.

Here’s why:

1. The Narcissist’s idealization carries a whiff of the holy.

This is most profoundly experienced in the early days of falling in love with a narcissist, the “lovebombing” phase.

In the lovebombing stage the narcissist will raise you up and lavish you with an almost worshipful adoration. The “love” they give during this time often feels like the love of a perfect devotee for their god, or the love of a god for their perfect devotee. It can feel ecstatic, exalted, sublime. It can feel like real magic.

This is because, in these early days, it kind of is: the narcissist is seeing in you everything they themselves wish they could be. And they can see the good in themselves too, and feel suddenly empowered and capable of giving so much more than usual. They will be tapping into a part of themselves they usually can’t access, and giving you an experience of love that most people don’t ever get.

The problem: it doesn’t last, because it’s all based on a fragmented view of reality.

Their feelings are based on their fragmented view of you, and your feelings are based on both their feelings and your correspondingly fragmented image of them. Once the other pieces of who you both are come into the picture, the heaven of these early days can’t hold. (The narcissist will then blame you for the fall from grace, and treat you with resentment and disdain.)

The “lovebombing” of these early day is not always, however, disingenuous: in the beginning, you represent a salvation to the narcissist, and they want to do everything to secure their access to you. While what they say while lovebombing may be in insincere, their efforts are genuine. This is because they feel they need you: on some level they believe you could save them from themselves.

In most normal relationships, this level of heightened worshipful attention is rarely reached. The absence of it is, in fact, usually a symptom of balance: this kind of all-encompassing adoration the narcissist can provide is not something that’s usually realistically possible to sustain.

But with the narcissist, even once the early days have passed, there will still be glimpses or echoes of this love. When the sun of their affection breaks through the dark storm of their abusive behavior, it feels like it has the power to wash everything else away — all the pain, suffering, and even the calculated abuse that they doled out to you.

The feeling that one day, maybe one day you could return to this heaven of love with them and stay in it forever, free from the abuse part of the cycle, is one of the most powerful motivators that keeps you going back to the narcissist and trying to make it work.

Some part of you may be wondering: but isn’t it technically possible? Couldn’t they grow out of their negative patterns and just love consistently?

Technically yes, but realistically no. I write about the two obstacles a narcissist faces in changing here: Can a Narcissist Ever Change? The 2 Foundational Obstacles in Their Way

2. Intermittent reward has been shown to be the most powerfully addictive form of reward.

Take a group of rats. Divide them into three groups. Give them all a button to press. In the first group, every time a rat presses the button, it receives food. In the second group, pressing the button does nothing. In the third group, pressing the button sometimes leads to the rat getting food.

Guess which group becomes completely addicted to pressing the button, to the exclusion of everything else (grooming, socializing, etc.)? The “sometimes” group.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is so powerfully addictive because they respond favorably only sometimes, while other times they ignore you, or may even be actively trying to hurt you.

The uncertainty taps into something primal in your brain and sets your neurochemistry up for obsession.

3. The Narcissist picked you because you were susceptible to their charms.

This is not a criticism: it’s anything but.

You are likely someone who can feel deeply. Who cares about others. Who is sensitive to other’s needs. Who may have higher than usual empathy. Who may be slightly neurodivergent and thus capable of connecting to someone else who feels like they are on the fringes of society.

None of this is bad.

But it makes you a uniquely attractive target to the narcissist. And it also makes you uniquely able to form a very close bond with them.

We all want to be seen as special, and in the early days the narcissist gives as good as they get: their currency of love is specialness, and they will shower you with recognition of your own brand of specialness. This is very hard to say no to, especially when it comes from someone who is a master of charm.

To escape you will need to find a way to give yourself some other sources of positive self-reinforcement that have nothing to do with the narcissist. (I write a bit about how to hack your way out of being addicted to an ex here.)

The bond that the narcissist offers is a real bond, but it is also, unfortunately, a trauma bond.

Breaking free of a relationship in which one person has narcissistic tendencies will be a process similar to breaking a chemical addiction. It will take strength, strategizing, and perseverance. But it is possible. And the sooner you can begin, the more damage you will save yourself from in the long run.