Why the Narcissistic Parent Needs to Be Cut Out of Your Life Forever

Toxic family members destroy your chance at happiness.

I have a cousin who knows my narcissistic father. He occasionally does work for him, and that means that I’m frequently a topic of conversation.

One day my cousin mentioned that he “didn’t agree” with how I’m raising my kids. The statement irritated me, mainly because my cousin is divorced and only sees his daughter once a month at best. Why should I care what he thinks is the right way to raise my kids?

But, instead of leaving the room and slamming the door, I asked him to elaborate. He said, “Well, what if one day your girls meet your dad and they think he’s really nice?”

The total lack of awareness in that statement almost blew my mind.

Well, of course my father would be nice when he met them! Narcissists always know when to put on their best behavior. He’d shower my girls with compliments. He’d show kindness. He’d make them think he was there for them.

He wouldn’t start his pattern of hurting them until he knew it inflicted the greatest possible amount of pain.

My father wasn’t at my wedding. I didn’t invite him because I wanted to have a good day. I think I deserved to have a good day. I really don’t care what anyone else thinks about that.

My wife agrees with me on things like this. We had a non-traditional wedding because I don’t believe in spending thousands of dollars on stuff you don’t need. Instead of a church, we rented a resort. This was in Peru, so it wasn’t expensive.

We didn’t have a preacher, we just had the resort manager do a little ceremony. The real part of the wedding is when you go in front of a judge. All the rest is just a non-binding ceremony so you can do it however you want.

It’s a party. You’re throwing a party. Throw the party you want.

Some of my wife’s relatives started to complain that we weren’t doing things “right.” My wife told them to shut up and if they said one more negative thing she’d have them kicked out.

They shut up.

People need to behave. It wasn’t their day. It was our day. We invited them to celebrate as a courtesy. If they can’t behave they can leave.

If I’d said something like that to my dad, he would have started to pout and ruined the whole day. He’s a narcissist. He only cares about himself.

Had he been there, I would have been waiting for the insults. He’s just not capable of treating anyone with kindness. He’s got to make a joke about everything, he can never be sincere.

Perhaps it would have been the very first time I saw him.

“Oh, that suit doesn’t fit you very well, didn’t you have it tailored?”

Or maybe it would have been the venue.

“This is a pretty decent resort even if a few of the rooms could do with another coat of paint.”

Or maybe it would have been the weather.

“It’s too bad you didn’t have a sunnier day.”

You might be reading those and thinking to yourself, “Oh, that’s not so bad.” That’s the trick. None of those comments by themselves are all that bad. None of them are anything a third party observer would listen to and find objectionable.

But after a lifetime of constant passive aggressive criticisms, they start to sting. After a while, you start to start to wonder: Why can’t he just say I look nice? Why can’t he just say the venue is great? Why can’t he just say it’s a perfect day?

Something always has to be wrong and he has to point it out.

And that’s when he’s on his best behavior. When he’s on his worst behavior, his words cut deep. When he really wants to say the worst possible thing, he always knows exactly what it is.

When my cousin asked about my father, I mentioned that my father had never even inquired about meeting my daughters.

Even after a lifetime of disappointment, I was still surprised that my father showed no interest in them. In the back of my mind, I thought the birth of my daughter would be a moment where he might reach out and try to make amends. I thought family was supposed to matter.

I’m not sure why I thought that. Nothing he’d ever done in my life indicated he cared much about us.

But my daughter was born and my father said nothing and I was surprised. It was good to have my eyes opened to the reality.

Does he think I have an obligation to go to him and beg that he be in my daughter’s life? Why? So he can undermine all my choices and question my authority as a parent? That would be a nightmare.

My kids are getting old enough that he might consider reaching out to them behind my back. He might try to come into their lives promising them gifts, showering them with praise. That’s the funny thing, I know that he knows how to praise people. I’ve seen him do it when it serves his ends.

Sometimes people try to tell me that all the passive aggressive comments might be inadvertent.

They’re not inadvertent. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

The evidence is that I’ve seen him say the best possible thing on other occasions.

Money is dangerous when a child turns 14, 15, 16, etc. When you have enough money, why should you study? When grandpa shows up and starts buying you things, why should you listen to daddy?

If he shows up in their life, it won’t be because he’s interested in getting to know them. If he’d been interested in getting to know them, it would have happened before now.

If he shows up in their life, it will be to attack me and to control them.

Young people are beset by negative influences. Despite everyone’s best efforts, there are drugs at schools. There is underage drinking. Children are trying to learn their way in the world. They have intense emotions. They are going to suffer heartache from broken romances.

Children are vulnerable again and again and again and again.

It’s my job to protect my children the best I can from all the challenges that await them. It keeps me up at night. I want them to find a nice partner, somebody who truly cares about them. Wouldn’t it be nice for them to have a relationship built on mutual admiration? Few people have that.

But if my father comes along, the focus will be on him.

He’ll give them bad advice. He’ll make them think life is easy. He’ll tell them all they have to do is exactly what he says. He’ll try to control them.

That’s how he behaves.

That influence will be yet another obstacle on the way to achieving the life they deserve. Bad advice can destroy a young person. It’s not worth the risk based on the hope that maybe he’s reformed, maybe he’ll do better, maybe this time he’s sincere.

It’s too late now. He’s had decades to fix these problems. When I was twenty, I might have risked a year of my own personal happiness for the sake of repairing my relationship with my father. At 46, I will not risk the future happiness of my children.

The stakes are too high now. It’s not about me anymore. It’s about them. I couldn’t live with myself if I allowed him to stand in their presence and make even one comment that caused them pain.

Love shouldn’t hurt.

You shouldn’t have to “put up” with inappropriate behavior.

Either be supportive, caring, nurturing in all circumstances…

…or get out.