Why The Fuck Do I Have COVID Again?

The encore I never wanted.

I’ve had a rough few weeks, not going to lie. There was heartbreak, a family tragedy, and the stress of the holidays — all at once. I’ve been in a funk and frankly haven’t felt the desire to pull myself out of it. I’ve just been trying to get through it.

I didn’t stop writing, for myself and my own eyes, but I did abandon my writing goals for shared consumption almost entirely. It wasn’t the priority — appreciating being alive, being with family, and our health was the priority.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to go say goodbye to a cousin at her memorial and be present for her military honors.

I’ve been telling myself for weeks that I just need to make it through until January 8th… then I can rest and breathe.

Or so I thought.

I tested positive on an at-home COVID-19 test today — the second time I’ve had it.

The first time was last January, during my 30th birthday, and near the end of my time as a disease investigator for my local health department.

I was upset then and I’m upset now.

Ultimately, I know how and why I have COVID again (on both a personal level with this current infection and generally speaking about our nation’s response), and there is nothing I can say that will change or fix it.

We are all exhausted of COVID, for a multitude of reasons and from many different perspectives, but hear me when I say: I am fucking exhausted.