FAMILY
Why Taking It Personal Is Always a Bad Idea
A tiny life moment of hurting my mum
Typing fast and furious with four fingers. Or am I using three? Or five? It won’t be many more. My mum (85) is having breakfast while I’m writing.
She says: “You type fast, D. I remember when you were a young professional, you often used the derogatory term ‘typing goat’ (‘tikgeit’ in my mother tongue Dutch). And now you have become one yourself.”
I feel the hurt in her words. So I rise and give her a hug. Sometimes loving silence is better than words. They can sting.
Because it’s cold in our caravan in winter, we’re staying more often with my mum now. 100 km to the north, but at least it has warmth. I can write there as much as I can write anywhere. And much of my other work happens online as well. So I type, and I Zoom and I enjoy the company of my mum and Mike.
My mum was a stay-at-home-mum until I was twelve and went to secondary school. Then she went to work as a secretary. Her skills were shorthand (remember what that is?) and typing. And many more! She’s a very intelligent woman, my mum. But she sadly lived in a time when she was fired just for getting married. Married women couldn’t explore their skills in the workplace back then.
She and my dad made it possible for me to study and have a high-fly career in business before becoming a changemaker.
When I left my studies in 1987, the job market was terrible. Many of my peers were taking 10-finger-typing courses to enhance their job chances. I was too proud for that. I might have said back then that I didn’t want to become a ‘typing goat’. I just wanted a career.
And I got one. So I might have repeated that term more often. I don’t remember. But apparently, my mum does. And it hurts her.
In my changemaker work, I have come across the four agreements in Toltec wisdom (Miguel Ruiz wrote about it). And the sentences always stay with me.
- Be impeccable with your word
- Don’t take anything personally
- Don’t make assumptions
- Always do your best
The first two are for me and my mum. I should have been more impeccable with my words. She should not have taken it personally, because it was never meant that way.
And in the meantime, I’m just awfully sorry I didn’t take a typing course back then. Writing is a large part of my life now and it would have come in so handy! This story is written with lots of respect for all professional ‘typing goats’ out there. I definitely fall short by only using four fingers…
Takeaways
- You can be more careful with your words as well. Please realize that sarcastic or cynical words can sting badly even if they are not meant to
- We’ve all been on the receiving end of stinging words, I bet. Don’t take them personally. It will only hurt you. And the other person probably doesn’t even notice
- Assumptions are the cause of many misunderstandings and fights. Other people perceive the world differently from you. Trust them. And ask them to explain whenever you feel hurt or don’t agree. Try to see it from their perspective before you make up your mind and express your own opinion
- Do your best at a certain moment. Learn every day and when you know better, do better. We’ll never stop growing. So, there’s always a next time. And a moment when you can say sorry. Or be lovingly silent.
If you want to connect, you can find me in my food forest, admiring the pollinating bees. Or via Patreon, LinkedIn, Vocal, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, ManyStories, Quora, and my website.
Thank you, Mike, for adding your wise energy to my words.
© Désirée Driesenaar
