Why Some Women Think Men Should Always Pay for Dates

Crunch the numbers and you’ll understand…

A woman should never pay for a date — especially in the early stages of a relationship. That’s the current dating debate making the rounds on social media.

This isn’t a new take on this subject — not by a long shot. Women have been debating this for decades.

The last time I saw the resurgence of the “men should pay” argument was about five years ago, when feminist author Chidera Eggerue (a.k.a. The Slumflower) encouraged an Instagram follower to dump her medical student boyfriend because he couldn’t afford to cover all the bills.

Though many feel her take on dating, love, patriarchy, and money is extreme, there seems to be an increasing number of women who are at least in agreement that men in heterosexual relationships should always pay for dates.

And if you can’t guess why, let’s take a closer look…

Though it would be easy (and incredibly simplistic) to lean into the misogynistic trope that women only care about money, it’s important to be honest about all the factors at play when women make this argument.

The women who want men to pay for dates have multiple, compelling reasons that brought them to this conclusion.

The Numbers Don’t Add Up

For starters, women are financially disadvantaged at the outset because of the gender wage gap. The expectation that we should pay for half the dates or split the bill for dates isn’t exactly fair when you consider the fact that we are not equally compensated for our work. In this patriarchal system, even splitting the bills in half isn’t fair for women.

Add to that the cost of our unpaid, unacknowledged domestic labor — something any man we get into a relationship with will benefit from — and you’ve definitely got a situation where the math isn’t mathing. Until we have a culture that acknowledges the value of this labor and expects everyone (not just women) to participate in it, women will be bringing far more to the table than they can hope to receive.

The Cost of Patriarchal Beauty Standards

Many women also feel that it’s fair to expect men to pay for dates considering the patriarchal expectations on women to present a certain standard of appearance during courtship rituals. For instance, women are generally expected to show up for a date with a fresh mani-pedi, a blowout, and a new dress.

Men have a very low bar to meet when it comes to their grooming and appearance — a shower and their good khakis will suffice, which means they are sinking nothing but $40–60 (on average) on a dinner, while women have to invest upwards of $100 just to be considered “date ready.”

Heterosexual Relationship Inequities

And let’s talk about equality in heterosexual relationships — or rather, the lack thereof. Relationships between men and women in a patriarchal society benefit men while disempowering and disenfranching the female partner. Women who are in relationships with men tend to struggle with their mental health more, have shorter lifespans, are more likely to be abused or murdered (by their male partner, I might add), and have an increased risk of financial ruin, while the men in these relationships tend to experience a higher quality of life, live longer, and make more money.

Women who know this but would still like to experience a romantic relationship are simply arguing that if they are going to be disadvantaged by this relationship, there are ways that men can make it fairer — like paying for all the dates.

The Risk Factors

Last, women face serious risks when dating. A woman who simply wants to find a nice boyfriend has to show up on a date knowing that she might be raped and/or killed by the man sitting across the table from her.

I doubt any man can understand what it’s like to sit there smiling and hoping for the best while knowing you can’t leave the table to use the restroom, lest he slips something into your drink while you’re gone.

So yeah…asking a guy to foot the bill on dates seems like a small ask in light of this.

Despite the fact that this all makes perfect sense to me and I’d support any woman who felt this way, it’s been a very long time since I’ve allowed a man to pay for a date unless we are already in a relationship. For me, before couplehood has happened, it is a split bill all the way.

Sadly, I didn’t come to this decision because I want to exercise my expectations for equality in a relationship from the beginning. I have come to this decision simply because experience has taught me that 100% of the time (thus far), a man who buys me dinner will expect, at the very least, a blow job in return.

I wish I could say I had a story in which I didn’t end up in an argument with a man who wanted sex after buying me a $15 hamburger or a $9 movie ticket. And yes, I’m talking about the first date — not the third.

I’ve learned the hard lesson that the average guy sees a date as a transaction, pure and simple. And that he has absolutely no clue about the market value for a good sex worker. You won’t find $9 blow jobs or $15 fucks anywhere but a Greyhound bathroom, okay? I have no problem with sex work (and have even considered doing it) but what a goddamn insult to have a man think he can stick his dick in me for the price of an entree at Applebee’s.

Unfortunately, my method makes it a lot harder to identify the men who see my body as a Dollar Tree bargain. But it triggers the hell out of me when I go to hug a man after a first date that he pays for and he grabs me and tries to turn it into a kiss, then expresses his anger and frustration that he just paid for my meal and that it’s my turn to pay up.

This is all very rape-y to me, and you know what? I’ve been through enough of that to last multiple lifetimes. I’d rather just pay my own way and avoid the coercion and manipulation, even though it’ll prolong the time it takes for me to find out what kind of man he is.

Trust me, the ones who are there for sex will out themselves soon enough.

Hopefully at this point you have noticed that this isn’t a simple debate. We love to pretend it is — to chalk it up to women’s superficiality and laziness — but that’s the same kind of misogyny that put women in this position in the first place.

In the end, I don’t think it matters what we decide. I might insist on paying my own way, but eventually, the men I’ve dated have had the same explosive response to my desire not to jump into sex — not because they feel they paid for my acquiescence, but because I took away the tool they are used to employing in order to get it.

Women who insist on men paying for all the dates aren’t going to be saved from this problem, either. And on top of that, they’ll be called selfish, arrogant, and entitled, without anyone actually examining the reasons behind their decision.

It’s impossible to get it right — which is why it’s important to support women in making any choice about dating and money that works for them. Sadly, we’re likely to only get that support from one another. The men who would understand why we might expect them to pay for all the dates, or the ones who won’t argue with us when we insist on always paying our own way are few and far between.

But when you do find one of those rare men…here’s hoping the dates keep coming, regardless of who ends up paying for them.

© Y.L. Wolfe 2024 (Please note that there are many active scammers pretending to be me — I do not solicit readers in the comment section.)

Y.L. Wolfe is a gender-curious, solosexual, perimenopausal, childless crone-in-training, exploring these experiences through writing, photography, and art. You can find more of her work at yaelwolfe.com. If you love her writing, leave her a tip over at Ko-fi.

More on money, dating, and women: