Summary

The article discusses the personal journey of the author in managing impatience, particularly in parenting situations, and offers strategies for dealing with frustration based on psychological insights.

Abstract

The author reflects on their transition from a patient person in their 20s to a more impatient individual in their late 30s, especially when interacting with their 3-year-old child. The article cites Jim Stone Ph.D.'s work on impatience, defining it as the emotional response when the cost of achieving a goal exceeds expectations. The author shares their struggle with the mismatch between expectations and reality, particularly in dressing their child for school, and how this leads to frustration and anger. The article provides a thought process to handle such frustrations, including taking a deep breath, identifying the frustrated goal, and deciding whether to find a shortcut, switch goals, or accept the situation. The author emphasizes the importance of self-control, rational decision-making, and mindset adjustment to maintain peace and find happiness in challenging circumstances.

Opinions

The author believes that impatience stems from a disconnect between expected and actual costs of achieving a goal.
They admit to feeling angry and irritable when their goals, such as dressing their child efficiently, are not met.
The author suggests that one should consider the consequences of anger and strive to maintain self-control.
They advocate for a calm and rational approach to frustrating situations, which may involve adjusting expectations or re-evaluating the importance of the goal.
The author emphasizes gratitude and perspective-taking, acknowledging the fortunate aspects of their life, such as having a child to care for and the means to provide for them.
They propose that accepting the increased costs and changing one's mindset can lead to a more peaceful and happier life.

Why some people are always happier than you.

… it has to do with your patience management in every day circumstances.

I used to be a patient person in my 20s.

Long line ups? No problem, I used to see it as a chance to think.

Someone cut me off driving? No problem. Such is life.

Lose something important? Frustrated, sure, but nothing I can’t replace.

I am in my late 30s now and I’ve become the opposite.

I have become a very impatient person. Especially when I am dealing with my 3-year-old.

I am angry that I get angry.

Frustrated that I get frustrated.

How did I get here?

In trying to understand impatience, I came across a brilliant article here by Jim Stone Ph.D.

I will quote some of his points that are very interesting and informative.

Impatience

When does impatience arise?

Impatience is triggered when we have a goal, and realize it’s going to cost us more than we thought to reach it.

I see this as having an expectation of meeting a goal and something happens to derail me from reaching it.

It really is frustrating.

But what exactly is impatience?

Impatience is not willing to wait; having irritability or restlessness.

This is good definition. I would have to add that I feel angry and irritable when I am trying to reach my goal and barriers arise to derail from it.

For example, I hate dressing my 3-year-old to go to anywhere.

In my head, I think he will let me put on his jackets, his snow pants, make little chit chats and be excited for to go to school.

Then 80% of the time the exact opposite happens!

My son tries to run away or gets distracted and almost always I get angry.

In situations like this, I get angry because things are not what I had expected, if anything, the exact opposite happened. It will now cost me a lot more energy and time to deal with this.

What happens when we realize the goal is going to cost us a lot more?

Impatience motivates us to reduce the costs of reaching our goal, or to switch goals.

This quote really nailed it on the head.

As I deal with my son’s tantrum, I start to think whether it is worth it to bring him out, I assign blame and think maybe the jam in his sandwich made him hyper. ( Reducing the cost of reaching a goal by letting myself know it may not be worth it, so I can stop doing it asap).

I start to think about many other things I can be doing. Such as having a coffee in peace. (Switching goals)

The problem here is not him.

The problem is me.

The resource (time) I had allocated for him was too little. The expectation I had of him cooperating and dressing up was unrealistic.

I should be waking up earlier, getting things ready and so that there will be more available resources to meet this need. The expectation of him dressing up and going to daycare easily should be adjusted as well.

How to face a frustrating situation.

What can you do if you are faced with a frustrating situation?

Here is a thought process to follow.

1. Take a deep breath.

Realize that sometimes being angry in a situation and acting out are different things.

You don’t have to act out your anger.

You still have self control.

Confucius once said — ”When you are angry, think of the consequences”. It very much applies here.

It’s better to take a deep breath, remove yourself in that situation, if possible, rethink and come back.

2. Identify which goal is being frustrated

Here my son is being difficult in dressing up. My expectation of being on time is probably not going to be met. The energy I have for this is becoming a lot more than I am used to.

Being on time is important and my son not cooperating is what is frustrating me.

3. Decide, calmly and rationally, whether you should a) try to find a shortcut, b) switch goals, or c) settle in and come to peace with the situation.

Here I can’t avoid dressing my son. It’s a fact of life, sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s hard. He still has to go to school. The best I can do is to come to peace with the situation.

4. If you have decided to settle in and come to peace with the situation, then accept the increased costs, and change your mindset.

I can let my daycare know I will be a few minutes late.

I can also change my mindset of this situation by asking myself why being on time for me is so important.

I can reframe by realizing that some families want to have children and they can’t, so I am lucky. Some families cannot afford day care. No matter how hard I think I have it, I have many reasons to be happy.

It’s hard to think in a frustrating situation, but it’s important to think rationally to keep the peace with yourself and others.

Hope this helps you in your journey to living a better, happier life!

Thank you for reading!

Works cited

Stone, Jim. “The 7 laws of Impatience” Psychology Today, 19 November 2014, The 7 Laws of Impatience | Psychology Today Canada.

Stone, Jim. “Understanding Impatience” Psychology Today, 19 November 2014, Understanding Impatience | Psychology Today Canada.