Why Shunning Your Anger Can Actually Create More Long-Term Agony
Anger is a valid emotion. It’s time for you to start listening to the messages its trying to deliver.
by: E.B. Johnson
They say that hatred is nothing more than settled anger, and that’s true. When we bury our anger down deep inside — or turn away from it — we end up giving ourselves a festering wound. This wound moves from anger to resentment, and eventually to hatred. That hatred, viciously, can turn against ourselves as easily as we turn it against others. Getting out of this cycle requires that we do the one thing that makes us most uncomfortable. We must embrace our anger, learn to live with it, and stop shunning it and avoiding it in our lives.
Why shunning your anger creates long-term agony.
A lot of us have been raised on the lie that anger is bad. We associate it with conflict and blowups, and we see it as something which destroys relationships. But the truth is, anger is a valid emotion, just like any other emotion. It comes with important messages for us. But we have to listen to those messages to make sense of what they say. Shunning our anger, turning away those messages? It only creates long-term agony in all the worst possible ways.
Missing crucial lessons
Anger always comes with a lesson, and they always come with a message. Too often, though, we tune these messages out because they make us uncomfortable. You see, anger can make us realize we’re not being treated well, or that we’re not getting what we want. With that knowledge at hand, we are driven to act. That means standing up for ourselves and speaking truth to power in many circumstances. Which can be a very uncomfortable concept for those with insecure attachment or boundary issues.
Relaxing your boundaries
Let’s face it. Our anger is primarily sparked when our boundaries are in some state of violation. Maybe someone talked to you in a way you didn’t like, or they behaved in a way that made you feel unseen or disrespected. When our boundaries aren’t honored, our anger runs to its post. Raising the alarm, it them attempts to alert our subconscious that this environment may not be the safest for us and our interests.
Selling yourself short
Although you probably don’t realize it, shunning your anger is actually an act of selling yourself short. It’s true. When you cannot process, question, or react in any way to genuine upset — you’re disrespecting yourself, showing no honor for your inner self. After all, if anger happens for a reason, then you ignore it. You’re telling your subconscious that you don’t respect this very valid aspect of yourself. It’s a message your subconscious takes loud and clear.
Giving away your power
You give away your power when you cannot react to anger in ways that are both valid and helpful. The world around you sees this failure to protect your interests, too. You can find yourself landing in the lap of predators, abusers, and worse. Our anger exists to protect us. Striking this defense down, however, we’re left at the mercy of a world and those who would rather take more than they give.
Compounding the pain
Ignoring your anger or shunning it isn’t simply an exercise in ignoring it. You actually create more internal upset and conflict. You strike an emotional wound and compound the pain that you’re. The longer this goes on, the worse the emotional turmoil gets. Eventually, that anger is going to come out in the most spectacular way. And when it does, your emotional wounds can be made worse.
Manifesting resentment
There’s no having a relationship with others (or even the world) without running into anger from time-to-time. It’s bound to happen. The real trouble occurs when we don’t face this anger inspired by the world around us. Relationships in which anger is buried or ignored explode in resentment. This resentment serves as a poison, which creates a death that many friends, families, and couples never overcome.
Physical deterioration
Perhaps the worst side effect of ignoring our anger, physical deterioration, is a very real thing. Burying our anger can block up our bodies. Creating a lot of stress, we can notice aches, pains, gastric distress, and a host of other ailments that can work all the way up to cardiac arrest. Anger is an emotion that must not be bottled up lest we want our bodies to pay the ultimate price.
How to handle our anger more honestly.
Confronting our anger seems a fearful thing. It can be scary to admit that something isn’t right, and it’s even scarier to realize we may have to stand up for ourselves. Dealing with your anger more honestly is the only way you’re going to rid yourself of the poison that’s building up inside. To do that, however, you’re going to have to get to the root of what’s going wrong, learn new ways to process, and embrace presence in the current moment.
1. Track your anger down
For you to deal with your anger, you first have to make sense of it. Why are you angry? Where do your responses to this anger dwell? Tracking your anger down has to become a top priority. Taking these inventories provides you with answers that don’t just let you understand your anger.
It also helps you to come up with new ways to think, believe, and relate to your anger. Think of it as getting comfortable with your emotions. You’ve got to sit down and talk it out so you can come to embrace this very valid emotion.
Track your anger down where it lives. Figure it out. Question it at the moment. Identify where it’s coming from. This response must be swift, and it must be consistent. Your anger has a message. What is that message? Systematic self-questioning is the only way to get the response you need.
When you feel yourself becoming upset, step away. Get out a journal, or find a safe (and quiet) space where you can have an honest conversation with yourself. Start with the basics.
What am I feeling right now? How is my body? How is my mind? Then go a little deeper. Why are you feeling that way? What happened? Does the situation really remind you of a deeper hurt or conflict? Go all the way down. Question your anger layer by layer until you better understand where it is sprouting from.
2. Process in the present moment
Processing is a must with anger. It’s not enough to make sense of your anger with questions. You need to get to the bottom of it and figure out what your honest resolutions are. More than that, you need to learn how to do it in the present moment.
Don’t react. Don’t lash out or jump out of your seat to confront the person who angered you. Instead, learn how to take a step back, count to 10, and process the facts fully so you can picture the most effective ways to react .
Been put in a state of anger? Walk yourself out of the situation (literally) and get somewhere quiet where you can process the thoughts. If you’re new to this, the best way to do it is through journaling or through meditation.
Once you’re done questioning where the anger is coming from, you need to question how you want to respond to it. How do you want the outcome to resolve itself (honestly)? What is going to bring you the most peace, and how can you effectively craft that situation with your words and compassion.
3. Listen to your body for cues
Your body has a lot to do with your anger and your reaction to it. Our responses start here. We may feel a tightness in our chest. We may feel our pulse race and the sweat start to form on our palms.
Listening to your body is an act of rooting yourself in the present moment. You have to listen and understand why you run from the anger, or why you pretend it doesn’t exist when it has such important messages to deliver to you.
Listen to your body for the cues it is giving you. So much of our anger begins in our bodies. The warning lights go off, and this is when we make the decision to either ignore or our anger or embrace it. Your body is closely tied to your psyche, and it knows when you are being compromised in some way.
How does your body respond when you are angry? And how can this information help you in responding to your anger in future? The next time you get angry, close your eyes and zero in on what’s going on internally. Does your heart race? Do your palms sweat? Do you get a headache or get dizzy at the thought of confrontation?
These can all be early indicators that your emotion needs to be addressed. The longer these symptoms are ignored, the more damage they can do to our physical bodies.
4. Look for physical discharge
Anger is an energy as well as an emotion. As a matter of fact, it’s one of the most powerful feelings out there — constantly urging us to take action (even when we’re not ready).
Acknowledging your anger alone isn’t always enough. When you’re really facing a wall of rage, sometimes you need to find outlets to discharge that raw energy and emotion. Screaming and yelling aren’t the way to go. Exploding and terrorizing people? It will only hurt you in the end.
Instead, look for outlets that allow you to express this energy healthily. Physical outlets are the best. Because anger is such a powerful emotion, it often needs a strong channel to be expressed through.
Running, exercising, boxing, cleaning the house, taking the kids out to ramble in the park — these are all physical movements that can help you to break up the angry thoughts and ideas that are firing through your system.
5. Discover community expression
Community expression can be yet another powerful way to discharge and face our anger. It’s easier to process our feelings when we can talk them out with those who have spent time with their own emotions.
There’s no right or wrong way to do this. Some people prefer group coaching or therapy, while others form a small group of core friends and family they can trust. All of these are good options, and give you the practice you need to start expressing your anger in healthier ways.
Discovery the power of sharing your feelings with others. When we are new in our confrontation of anger, speaking up can provide a means of better understanding. Through this understanding, we are inclined to better management, resolve our anger in healthier ways.
There is no right or wrong way to do this. You can reach out and find community group therapy (both in person and online). But you can also keep it simple by sharing your journey with friends and family that you trust (appropriately; sans trauma dumping).
Expressing your anger with those who care is powerful. They can provide new insights on ways to deal, and support you with any complicated experiences you may go through.
Putting it all together…
If you can embrace your anger and turn it into something positive, you’ll be on your way to a greater sense of well-being and less stress. Everyone has anger but, sadly, too many of us try to bury it instead of being open about it. But there is no need for that, because anger can actually be a good thing for you and your relationships when you channel it in the right direction. Anger can make you more aware of who you are and what you want. But you must open your arms and embrace it first.
Track your anger down and get used to questioning it at the moment — before you react. What’s upset you and why? Peel back the layers like an interview so you can come to understand your anger. Process in the current moment, but don’t react. Find healthier ways to channel the answers you need. Listen, too, to your body. How does it respond to anger? How does this drive you to respond (or not respond)? Look for healthy outlets to discharge the high levels of energy that come with your anger. Reach out for help and find the community and the comfort in sharing your emotions. Anger isn’t wrong, but burying it away is. Open your mind to the messages they bring and embrace your anger as you embrace every other emotion in your life.