Happiness | Mental Health | Advice
Why “Should” Is a Swear Word
Sometimes, words speak louder than anything.
“Should” is not your average swear word like *bleep*, *bleep*, or *bleep*.
If you call someone a “should” they are likely to respond with confusion as opposed to anger or agasp. “Should” is not a word that incites strong reactions from others but is extremely harmful to those that utter it.
Every time you use the word “should” you are creating three harmful thought patterns:
- Unfair expectations
- A rift between you and yourself
- An escape from accountability
Removing this foul word from your vocabulary creates a clearer mind. Here’s why and how to do it.
“Should” Creates Unfair Expectations
“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” — William Shakespeare
Have you ever felt yourself become anxious waking up to a beautiful day? Or start to sweat at the idea of going to a party?
Parties are supposed to be fun and sunny days make us feel good. So why would the thought of them make us feel any way other than happy or excited?
It’s because we attach expectations to them.
“It’s nice out so I must get outside.”
“I’m going to a party, I need to have fun.”
Even if you don’t feel up to it.
According to this anxiety expert, having unrealistic expectations can contribute to increased feelings of anxiety and dissatisfaction.
We often fool ourselves into thinking that there is a right and wrong way to live. We feel like we must take advantage of opportunities that may bring us happiness. Not because we want to but because that’s what is normal, right, or correct.
When walking down someone else’s path you will surely get lost.
Maybe you’ve had a stressful week and the best thing for you to do is stay home that day. Or, perhaps you don’t like large parties and prefer to socialize in smaller groups.
What’s right for you is right, period.
“Should” forces us to compare ourselves to others and an idea of “normal”. In turn, we are forced to live by imaginary expectations.
If you’re not careful this word can turn you against yourself, as well.
“Should” Pits You Against Yourself
We think of the world as having a set of rules. It’s the reason why we will continue to work at jobs we hate or stay in unhealthy relationships for years.
We feel like society expects us to have a job, relationship, or to uphold a certain image. In reality, we are the ones creating these rules.
Most expectations are self-imposed. They are heavily influenced by social media and limited by our experiences. Labelling our actions constricts us and forces us to live according to the illusion of societal expectations.
“Trying to feel any way other than you do is suffering.”
I used to see a great therapist that helped me overcome feelings of internal strife and self-sabotage. I would get frustrated with myself for not acting according to how I felt I should be. Jane (was her name) would tell me not to try to feel any way other than I do. If you’re resisting something there is a reason.
If reality, we don’t have control over how we feel, only how we respond. When we attempt to live any other way than what is real, we suffer. Creating expectations without honouring our feelings creates a battle between our conscious and emotional selves.
Remember that you are on your own team. Instead of thinking in terms of right, wrong, or normal, use the measurement of happiness.
“Is this serving me?”
“Is this what I really want?”
“ Will this bring me happiness?”
If the answer is not clear, question yourself. Going back to the example of the sunny day:
“I feel like I should go outside” — Why?
“Because everyone else is” — Well, if those people didn’t exist, would you still want to?
“No.” — Ok, then don’t. You do what serves you.
We can be our own worst enemy or best friend. Get on your own team and live your life, not the lives of others.
“Should” is the Opposite of Manifestation
If you’ve read the book “The Secret”, by Rhonda Byrne, or know anything about manifestation, you know that the concept is all about speaking your goals into existence. Instead of saying, “I want” or “I need” you say “I have” or “I am”. The act of speaking your goals out into the world helps you to achieve them.
The word “should” does the opposite of this. It speaks your goals into non-existence. “Should” suggests:
- There is an expectation that you do something
- You are not doing said thing
Right from the jump, you’re setting yourself up to fail. Should give us an excuse not to act. It is a non-action word; a cop-out.
Any form of action requires commitment. Without commitment, you can’t be accountable.
“Should” robs us of commitment. Saying, “I should get started on launching my online business” infers that:
- You would like to start an online business
- You have not started
- You may or may not start (it is undecided)
You can sit with this statement forever. “Should” is action-purgatory. A holding pattern that can keep us from ever acting and being ok with that.
How to Remove “should” From Your Vocabulary
As we’ve surfaced, the word “should” creates: unfair expectations, a rift within yourself, and is a big fat cop-out.
Here’s how you can create a clearer mindset by removing “should” from your vocabulary.
Removing unfair expectations:
Remove expectations by focusing on yourself and not others. Sometimes we don’t know the root of our feelings, we just know that something feels off. Be objective and honour your intuition. Take the time to understand what’s going on for you.
Once you do, make a decision based on your own needs, not the needs of others. Imagine that the world is made up of only you. How would you act?
“I should be having fun at this party. What’s wrong with me?”
Turns into:
“I’m not having fun at this party. I might not like large parties. I’m going to leave a little early and remember this for next time.”
Get on your own team:
Trying to force yourself to feel a certain way is suffering. When experiencing resistance from yourself, honestly assess your motives and make sure it’s what you want to be doing. Then, support yourself without judgement.
“Why am I not starting my online business? I should have started by now, I hate myself.”
Turns into:
“I’ve noticed that I feel anxious when I research how to get started on my online business. Am I scared of failing? Or, is this something I really want to do? Let’s explore these thoughts.”
Regain accountability:
Speak objectively and with intention. It doesn’t have to be inspiring or even positive but be honest about what’s really going on. Remember that “should” is a cop-out.
“I should work out more.”
Turns into:
“I want to be working out more than I have been.”
This will spark the question, ‘why?’. Asking yourself why forces accountability. Now you are either doing what you want to be doing or not. From here, you can manifest your desired direction.
“I am someone that works out __ times a week.”
You can’t manifest a “should”.
Apologies for All the Swearing
I would like to apologize for my repeated use of foul language throughout this article. If I can leave you with anything today, it’s to:
- Live for you
- Ask questions
- Answer honestly
- Get on your own team
Most importantly, clean up your language and remove *bleep* from your vocabulary. I hope you enjoyed this article and found value in it.
