Why she said no: 5 reasons I say no to a second date with a guy
What was wrong? What did you do? Here’s a run down
So you went on a date and you liked her. But when you text, she says thanks, but she doesn’t want to go on another. You’re surprised: it wasn’t super awkward or uncomfortable. So what is she probably thinking? What wasn’t working for her? I’m not a psychic but as a human female adult woman, here’s some thoughts.
- No attraction or romantic connection
This is the biggest one. If I’m not physically attracted to you, or romantically interested, I’m not going to pursue you any further. This isn’t the same as you not being hot, or me thinking I’m hotter than you. It just means that the pheromones and what I personally find attractive wasn’t there. I’ve found myself feeling ‘meh’ about literal models and actors, while being mad with lust for awkward skinny men with glasses. There’s absolutely no logic to it at all, so don’t beat yourself up. And it’s not something you can ‘build up to in time’ either: trust me, I’ve tried. Waste of your time and mine.
2. Misaligned values or goals
I really, really want monogamy and marriage. I’d be really sad if that didn’t happen. A man who wants casual or multiple partners is just going to make me miserable. There is no point, at all, in me seeing that man again no matter how much I liked him. We’re at different points in our lives and on different paths with what we want. Similarly, I strongly believe in gender equity and my own individuality and autonomy, so I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who wanted a submissive, obedient wife who believed she was inferior to her husband. No matter how funny, clever, ambitious or handsome he was. I’d make him completely miserable in a marriage, and I’d always resent being with him and disagree with him about daily life.
3. Intuition
This is a bit of a hard one to explain so: have you ever just felt something was very wrong? Not necessarily romantically; could be a business deal, a drunk guy at the car park, or a dodgy bloke selling his iPhone on Facebook. There’s nothing you could really explain as obvious: but the language, the mannerisms, the conversation, and the body language left you feeling a little unsafe and a bit scared. I’d watch Elliot Rodger talking about himself if you want to know what ‘bad vibes’ feels like. As women, we strongly trust our intuition; it’s there to protect us. There are many times I’ve ignored my own and come to massively regret doing so, and I fully expect women to reply to this with their own horror stories. Sure, you might just be a socially awkward guy who stood way too close to me and went a bit TMI on how you felt about my ass, but I’m always going to say no just in case. I’d say don’t be creepy, but really? If you’re a creep, we’re probably going to sense it anyway. Thank goodness!
4. You didn’t seem over your ex
To be clear; there’s nothing wrong with this. We’ve all been heartbroken, crushed, and left breathless by love. You’re not ‘damaged goods’, you’re just hurting. That being said, no one wants to be the other woman or the rebound: it’s famously fiery and fraught territory. I’ve sat opposite so many divorced and separated men who have been close to tears or unable to stay quiet about what their ex did, or how unhappy they are about custody. And it’s sad, and I’ve stayed friends with many of them, but I’d absolutely not go there again. Best case scenario, you eventually choose me. Worst, I have to sit there while you get over your divorce/break up/separation until you realise I was just a nice distraction and I’ve had my own heart broken. Not fun. So it’s a no.
5. We’d be a bad fit in a relationship
I’m a very affectionate person. The kind of person who will write you a love poem at random and want to tell you how in love I feel all the time. I need a lot of engagement, a lot of talking, a lot of love and kindness, and a lot of time and investment. For the wrong person, I’m going to be needy. Clingy. Exhausting. Emotional. Now you could say: just don’t be like that then. Be more reserved and distant. Hold back. But why? It’s not who I am. I’d rather just be with a man who had the same love language and attachment to me, and liked who I actually was. If you’re cold, struggle with communicating, and don’t like talking about emotions or feelings, I’m going to be unhappy, and you’re going to be unhappy. And you could say “what if he was just feeling stressed and awkward”, and that’s valid. But I’m not. I need a fellow passionate extrovert!
Conclusion
I should say that men reject me sometimes too! I’ve had men say no to a second date; and not because I’m a swamp troll, just because I was wrong for them. They aren’t evil, choosy, shallow, or ‘not giving me a chance’: they just don’t see a relationship working with me. Maybe I was too young, too talkative, too weird, too political, too wired, too tall, too jumpy or too emotional. It doesn’t really matter: who I really was wasn’t a good fit for them.
I will always say be who you really are at a date. Never lie or hide how you actually think and feel because you’ll just make it harder to find someone who actually likes you. Likes your obsession with the Moomins, your scarf collection, your fascination with dinosaurs, your career in the civil service or your dream of owning a cottage in Cornwall. Someone will like you. And someone will be liked by you back.
But unless you’re ok with letting those who are wrong for you fall through the net, you’re always going to end up with Mr/Mrs/Mx Wrong. Until you are ok saying ‘no’ to Jess who is ok but not someone you really like, until you are ok saying ‘no’ and being on your own when Dave cheats on you, until you are ok saying ‘ok’ when Sarah doesn’t want to date you anymore: you are always, always going to be with or chasing someone who is a bad fit.
Trust yourself. The optimal state isn’t with someone fine, or chasing someone who doesn’t really like you. It’s with someone who wants you as much as you want them.
