Howl

Why She Doesn’t Initiate Sex

And what you can do about it

It probably won’t surprise you to hear that I get a lot of emails from men who ask me why women don’t initiate sex more often. One said, “It’s so frustrating that I’m always the one to make the first move, even after 6 years of marriage.” Another said, “It hurts me to think that my wife doesn’t desire me enough to ask for sex.”

There’s a lot of pain out there around this subject, understandably. Initiating sex is, indeed, a signal of desire, and every human being wants and needs to be desired. Being in a long-term relationship in which the communication of desire is rarely or never reciprocated can cause deep feelings of rejection to surface.

To all those who asked me to tackle this subject, I’m sorry to say that I think it’s a long-term problem that will have to be handled with delicacy and more patience than you might think you have. So if you’re up to it, let’s unpack this:

Why isn’t she initiating sex?

I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: Many, many women are literally bound in chains when it comes to their sexuality. So many of us have been taught our sexuality is shameful. We’ve been taught our bodies aren’t sexy enough and at the same time, are lewd and corrupting. We’ve been taught that talking about sex is inappropriate. We’ve been shamed for having desire, let alone expressing it.

This is barely the tip of the iceberg when it comes to our culture’s beliefs about female sexuality. There’s so much more than this, but you get the picture.

Every woman (every human, in fact) is a unique cocktail that reflects the beliefs of the culture in which they were raised. And each person is at a different place in their journey toward defining their personal expressions, beliefs, and sexuality. In other words, my emphasis on the ways in which women are sexually repressed and shamed in Western culture are in no way meant to be taken as a generalization about all women.

Further, these complex issues are not the only reasons why a woman might choose not to initiate sex. If this is a new dynamic, then I’d first explore emotional issues or address issues within the relationship. For many women, sexual desire is strongly connected to their emotions and how deeply they feel connected to their partner. If you’re going through a rough patch, I’d suggest doing everything you can to work through it, including getting counseling if necessary, and trying to be as patient and receptive as possible.

Also consider health issues that might be at fault. Hormonal changes play a huge role in a woman’s sexual appetite. Or perhaps she is going through a stressful period in her life, which can dramatically affect our sex drive. Many other physical changes and illnesses can deplete a woman’s libido, as well.

But if you are in a long-term relationship in which your partner has never (or rarely) initiated sex, even many years in, my hunch would be that she’s dealing with issues regarding her sexuality. Here are a few that come to mind:

Fear of rejection

For some of us (no matter our gender), expressing sexual desire can be an extraordinarily vulnerable act. Being turned down can feel like a personal rejection not just of our sexuality, but of everything that we are and even the love we have to offer in a relationship.

Let’s not pretend here. Human beings are deeply insecure creatures.

For women, the rejection of a sexual invitation can be even more cutting than it might be for some men. Did he say no because of the ten pounds I gained this winter? she might wonder. Is this because of the stretch marks from my latest pregnancy? Does he wish I looked like that porn star he likes so much?

And like men, we also suffer from insecurity about our prowess as lovers. But unlike men, who are encouraged to master lovemaking skills, women know that practicing the art of sex comes with all kinds of judgments about our sexuality and morality. We do our best to navigate this, but some of us feel our general skills are lacking because it is difficult to fully express ourselves and “practice our moves” in the bedroom.

We all fear rejection and when you top all the judgment and shame about female sexuality on top of that, it can feel safer to just not initiate sex, at all.

Good girls don’t ask for sex

This is a big one. I struggled with this for a long time. In my first relationship, at 19, I absolutely could not use my words to express a desire for sex. It was such a taboo for me. I was a good girl and good girls weren’t supposed to like sex.

However, I did like sex, and I liked it a lot, so I had to figure out a way to be creative about it. I couldn’t ask for it. I couldn’t even initiate sexual touch with him (good girls don’t grab their boyfriend’s dick).

At some point, I figured out a loophole: finding ways to passively express my desire. When we were relaxing, I’d take off my bra without taking off my shirt (Flashdance-style, though admittedly, not nearly as sexy) and innocently cuddle close to him. Bingo. His hand would be under my shirt in less than two seconds.

As the months went on, my passive initiations escalated. When we were kissing, I would literally reach down and maneuver my breast into his hand. Eventually, that escalated to me placing his hand on my breast. And finally, a few months in, I’d put on a see-through nightgown that was cut down to my belly button, the fabric barely holding my breasts in. Any time he saw me come into the bedroom wearing that, he’d have his pants off in a heartbeat.

It took me over ten years to fully let go of the notion that good girls don’t ask for (or want) sex. That’s a deep mindfuck that many women are dealing with.

It helped that I had such a strong sex drive. But it also helped to have a patient partner who encouraged me to come out of my sexual shell. Hearing how much my sexual expression aroused him was a major turning point for me.

Disconnection

There is one aspect of repressed female sexuality that is the hardest to repair: the fact that many women are so disconnected from their own bodies and sexual desires that they don’t even recognize them anymore.

I want you to imagine The Golden Compass. Remember that story, in which people’s souls were actual creatures — daemons, they were called (not to be confused with demons) — who existed outside the humans’ bodies? In that story, the government was working on a project in which they would excise the soul of each human — a process called intercision.

This is a perfect metaphor for what our culture does to a woman’s sexuality. It tries to cut it away from us in a violent and traumatic process and then expects us to function normally without it.

Many women try to conform. Believe me, it is so much easier to box up our sexuality and do what we’re expected to do than to face the criticism, cruelty, and aggression that awaits the sexually liberated woman.

What I’m trying to say is that I suspect many women who say they “just aren’t that sexual” are, in fact, sexual but unable to connect with or even recognize their sexuality and desire. They’ve been through the process of intercision.

What’s next?

As I mentioned, this is not necessarily going to be an easy fix. In fact, I suspect in most cases, it’s a long journey to get to where you want to be.

But here’s where you can start:

Don’t make assumptions

Don’t assume that your partner doesn’t love you or desire you. Don’t assume that you’re a bad lover. Don’t assume that the problem has anything to do with you, at all. If you haven’t talked about it and don’t know what’s going through your partner’s mind, do not assume anything.

Don’t blame

This isn’t your fault. This isn’t her fault. But ultimately, you both have to take responsibility if you want to move past this.

Many men who have asked me about this express a lot of frustration and anger over this issue. I understand. It sucks.

But don’t be angry at your partner. Be angry at the circumstances. Be angry that we live in a culture that shames women for their expressions of sexuality. Be angry that even in 2020, we still have a long way to go to achieve female sexual empowerment.

Then take on whatever responsibility you can in order to change this.

Communicate

I firmly believe that we should speak up about our desire again and again and again. Tell your partner how much you would love for her to initiate sex. Tell her how much it would turn you on. Tell her how good it would make you feel.

If she needs more structure, give it to her. Can you create a signal that might help her feel less self-conscious about initiating sex? Maybe a sexy nightgown like the one I used to wear to get my partner to jump me? Maybe a code word that she could bring up at the dinner table or somewhere else that might add a little secret naughtiness to the request? Maybe she could leave a pair of panties on your side of the bed or wear a certain shade of lipstick to indicate her interest?

If she has simply landed on the fact that she’s just not interested in sex, I think it’s imperative to communicate that you still are and that, for the sake of your relationship, the issue must be addressed. Counseling is a good option. Reassessing the terms of your relationship agreement is also a valid option.

Whatever you are dealing with, be honest, be forthcoming, share, talk, listen.

Accept the situation

It might suck, but this is where you are at. You absolutely deserve to want your partner to initiate sex and to have a partner who does initiate sex. Your partner also deserves to express her sexuality — or not express it — as she sees fit.

Ultimately, this comes down to assessing your “deal breakers.” If she will not or cannot budge from her stance, is it worth it to leave? There’s no right or wrong answer there. We all have needs, including sexual needs, that we deserve to pursue.

If you decide you need to be with someone who will initiate sex, then leave without shame. If you decide you can live with it, then stay without bitterness.

The situation is what it is. Make a choice and then be happy.

None of this is easy, I know. I understand how helpless it can feel to be in a relationship that doesn’t give you something you desperately want, yet fulfills you in other ways.

But it doesn’t serve you to feel victimized by this. Nor would that be an accurate interpretation, being as most of the men who’ve asked me about this subject are at the top of the food chain. Cis, hetero, white men have more power than any of us — which is good news because that means you have more power than anyone else to change the damaging and sexist cultural mores under which we live.

Use your power to lift up your female partner. Encourage her. Make space for her. Call out sexism whenever you see it. Show her that you are fighting for her sexual empowerment and fulfillment as much as you are pursuing your own.

It is a long journey, I know, but we’ll get there all the faster with your help.

*Author’s note: Please understand that I am in no way stating or even implying that the generalizations I made here are so broad as to encompass all women. Everyone is different.

Further, I realize that this issue does not only apply to heterosexual couples in which the female has trouble initiating sex. There are many iterations of this problem irrespective of gender, relationship structure, or sexual orientation.

This article was written for Howl by Yael Wolfe, a weekly column. © Yael Wolfe 2020

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