SEX AND INTIMACY
If There’s No Sex In The Relationship — Can The Couple Survive?
It Depends on Empathy, Commitment — And Willingness to Give
“Outwardly, there was nothing remarkable about her, she was almost a bit fat, but it was when I discovered her eyes that something strange must have happened. These eyes wanted something from me, they made me more real, something with… “ (from Lars Gustafsson: The Death of a Beekeeper)
Often (not always, but often) your sex life reflects the health of your relationship in general. And even when the two things don’t relate one-to-one, we often see them that way.
Many people think that regular sex in a relationship is necessary for the relationship to work. We can ask ourselves: Can the Relationship Survive Without Sex?
One can think of many different answers to that question. We can sit down and think about it, together or separately. And we can start a conversation with ourselves — or preferably with our partner:
— Do we want the relationship to last, and do we want to continue like this, without sex?
Seeing each other
Some would probably answer in the negative. Many will probably say that a relationship, a marriage without sex is not a proper relationship; a sexless marriage is not a viable relationship.
A relationship, a marriage is a complex and complicated thing. One of the most important dimensions in a relationship is whether the two people see each other, really see each other on a daily basis.
In some cases, it may be that everything, the whole cohabitation, is based on a single, very simple principle, an agreement: It is forbidden to see each other. I mean to really see each other (free after Lars Gustafsson: The Death of a Beekeeper).
If the couple has entered into a kind of silent agreement of this type, not to see each other — they just look past each other — it can be a kind of modus vivendi, a way of living together for lack of something better.
How many relationships are in or have been in this state, I wonder? In some cases, it can make sense to live like this, without really seeing each other, but with sex as a kind of binder that holds the two together. If one or both of them for one or another personal reason want to avoid seeing the other, maybe sex here can then be a tool to have a little intimacy and closeness and keep the relationship together, after all?
I believe that it is entirely possible to have a relationship with sex where the parties otherwise have little direct to do with each other because through the closeness they get through sex, bonds are created that help build bridges over the other intellectuals and emotional distances between two people.
But what happens when there is no sex in the relationship?
When the sex life little by little becomes nothing — can the relationship then survive? Let’s say a relationship, a marriage that has lasted for many years. It is a relationship that one or both parties still want to last for many more years.
Most people like to think of their relationship as something that lasts a long time — for many years. It is natural and it is in accordance with human nature to try to build and maintain lasting relationships and long-term relationship over time, ie over many years.
Most people think like that, we believe and invest in the relationship, we trust ourselves and the one we love, and we plan for the future. We want to stay together with our whole lives if we can.
A mutual, lifelong commitment
To think like this is the same as having a good plan. In the vast majority of relationships, I guess, at least one — usually both — parties have thoughts that their relationship/marriage should last a long time, preferably a lifetime. This is often the case when the two partners have found each other and feel that they are deeply connected and love each other for who they are.
In the relationship, the two have lived a period of the intense union. They confirm each other through verbal, emotional, and physical actions and have come to the point where they begin to feel deeply united.
When the two partners start to feel like one — and at the same time they are both quite stable emotionally and mentally, there comes a moment when they may say to each other that they have a mutual, lifelong commitment to each other, to live together.
This is such a moment when they can say to each other: We have arrived, we have a lifelong mutual desire for each other. We have had beautiful children, we are a family, we are past, present, and future in one.
But what if -?
But what if there is an absence of sex in the relationship — can the couple survive?
In a normal relationship between a woman and a man, there is a basic rule. We meet each other in sexuality. At the beginning of the relationship, there is a lot of intimacy, a lot of eroticisms, a lot of sex. Then the years go by and the couple has children. Things other than intimacy and eroticism come to the fore. Building a home, a career — and not least raising children require more and more attention and energy. We more rarely have sex together. We still have sex from time to time, because we feel and know within ourselves that sex should be part of the couple’s intimate life. We know intuitively that without sex, the relationship can be in serious danger.
Capable of the worst — and the best
Why is it like that?
Humans are enormously complex beings. Man is — as everyone knows, capable of the worst — and the best. In relationships, we see this at least as often as in many other areas. People are affected by what they experience. We are also motivated by external factors that can sometimes be invisible to us. But the impulses are there. We seek towards the other, the one we are with. Other times we are lazy. We get bored, and sometimes we meet for sexual intercourse with almost no commitment at all. Sometimes it ends in a near-disaster.
When we are disappointed with our partner, it can be tricky to motivate ourselves for sex. Things that apparently have nothing to do with sex life come heavily in and ruin the sexual. Other external factors such as infidelity can also play a strong role. Often we do not want to have sex because of suspicion or certainty that the woman or man we love has been unfaithful.
In other cases, medical reasons may come into play. If it is painful to have intercourse, it is clear that the couple should find other ways to have sex that both can enjoy.
We can touch each other
The skin is the largest body organ, and it is very sensitive and sensual. Just stroking lightly on different parts of the body can lead to increased sex drive. We can train each other to gently touch the genitalia, he can massage the clitoris gently, at the same time as she gently touches the penis. Both must listen and feel forward, try to capture what is good for her/him.
Still, others are “done” with sex because it is boring and unsatisfactory. This is obviously a bad reason to sabotage sex in the relationship. No matter what excuse people have for not having sex with their partner in marriage or a relationship when the partner needs sex — one cannot ignore this need!
Clitoral stimulation and a very sensitive approach are sometimes necessary for the female to have an orgasm. This can create a problem in the relationship. Many women are not aware that they may be prone to orgasmic dysfunction. They do not know enough about this aspect of their body to understand that they probably need clitoral stimulation during sex. But this does not have to be a problem!
The long-lasting relationship
Imagine an example, a couple who have lived together for many years — 20, 30, or 40 years ! They have children who are now adults and are starting to have grandchildren, they become grandmothers and grandfathers. It’s so nice, so cute!
They step into the roles of grandparents and enjoy it, but for some reason, they begin to let go of something that was so important earlier in their relationship: eroticism, tenderness, and sex.
There can be many good reasons, physical, emotional or mental — whatever. The partner who does not want sex anymore, shows thumbs down when the question arises, for instance explicitly expressed in words: “Dear, shall we go to bed …?”, “Can we be close to each other … tonight … ? “ “Can we be together again, Love, it’s been so long since last?”
When one party in the relationship has tried such cautious but clear invitations to sex and from the other party is met with a “No, not now.” “Not tonight. Can’t stand it!” — what happens then? What does the sex-craving do when he or she just gets back an impatient movement, a body language that rejects the cautious suggestion of the partner who misses sex?
Sex is an important glue in a relationship
What should be done is — I think — obvious. The relationship cannot be live in a healthy way without sex. One partner who does not feel the longing for sex must try to spot the needs of the other — just as the other has learned to see the other and her or his lack of sexual needs as a real problem. This lack of sexual desire should not be allowed to affect the couple’s lives in a negative way.
What can they do then?
It is a fact that sex is an important glue in a relationship. This may not always be the case, but it is generally the case in many situations. Good sex makes the partners feel closer to each other. Good sex can compensate for many things that are not perfect in the relationship.
An important task and a challenge for the man in a relationship should therefore definitely be to learn to appreciate the female orgasm. Every man in a relationship should clearly get to know the sexual needs of the woman he is with and learn to practice stimulation that gives her orgasm.
Both the man and the woman must learn to play their partner’s instrument and fine-tune it so that the relationship can continue to live and grow.
Øivind H. Solheim is a novel author and a nature photographer from Norway who loves writing fiction, poetry, essays, and articles helping others understand life, other humans, and themselves. He has published six novels, two non-fiction books, and a poetry book.
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