Why Self Discipline Is So Difficult

Self-discipline. For some, that word probably makes them straighten their back and lift their chin, ready to take on the world. For others, it might make them slump a bit and let out a deep sigh. “Ugh, self-discipline. Do we really need to talk about this?” I get it. It’s not the most fun topic. It reminds us of things like eating vegetables, doing homework, going to the dentist — all those not-so-fun things we’re “supposed” to do.

But what if we flipped the script? What if we stopped seeing self-discipline as the enemy that makes us miss out on fun, and started seeing it as our ally that helps us create the life we really want? That would be a game-changer. But to get there, we have to understand why self-discipline is so hard in the first place.

Our Human Hardware

Let’s rewind the clock. Way back before smartphones, or even electricity. Back when we humans were trying to survive. Every day was about finding food, water, and shelter. Staying alive. Our brains developed some pretty clever shortcuts and survival mechanisms to help us do that more easily.

One of those is what scientists call our lizard brain. It’s the most primal part of our brain that is wired for instant gratification. It wants to do whatever feels good right now — eat tasty food, sleep, avoid danger. Our lizard brain helped early humans survive by urging them towards rewards and away from threats. Can’t blame it, just doing its job!

But nowadays, those survival mechanisms don’t serve us so well. Eating doughnuts all day long isn’t going to help us thrive. Neither is binge-watching Netflix or hitting snooze for the fifth time. The problem is our lizard brain can’t tell the difference between life-threatening dangers and everyday challenges. To it, self-discipline is basically torture.

This means that even as modern humans with awesome prefrontal cortexes that let us learn, plan, and solve problems, we still have that primal urge for instant gratification. That’s the little lizard inside us, just trying to survive the only way it knows how.

And since willpower draws from the same limited resource in our brain, no wonder self-control is so exhausting! It’s like asking a kid to sit perfectly still for hours — brutal!

The FOMO Monster Awakens

Now let’s fast forward to today. Not only do we still have our pesky lizard brains making self-discipline an uphill battle, but we also have another modern phenomenon making things even harder: FOMO.

FOMO, which stands for “fear of missing out,” is that uneasy feeling you get when you think other people might be having cooler experiences than you. FOMO is like that annoying friend who always texts you pictures from the fun party you didn’t get invited to. “Ugh, looks like so much fun! I never get invited anywhere.” Thanks a lot, FOMO!

Here’s the thing — FOMO isn’t just about parties or events. It applies to practically everything, especially when it comes to self-discipline. When we decide to stick to our plan to go to the gym rather than meet friends for brunch, FOMO starts creeping in…But what if the food is amazing? What if everyone is having such a nice time without me? What if they talk about me behind my back for being so lame?

You can see how this makes self-discipline ridiculously hard. We not only have our stubborn lizard brain fighting us, but now we have to battle this scary FOMO bully too! Talk about a tag-team match-up nobody asked for.

So when it comes to things like eating healthy, exercising consistently, saving money instead of shopping, and focusing at work…it’s like a battle royale in our brains between what we really want for our future selves and what our primal urges and FOMO try to force on us at the moment. No wonder just getting started on self-discipline feels so impossible!

Playing the Long Game

As we can see, human evolution has stacked the cards against us when it comes to self-discipline. Our primal brain cries out for immediate pleasure while FOMO whispers fearful thoughts in our ears. Not exactly a recipe for success. But the good news is, we can outsmart them — if we change the game.

What our sabotaging lizard brain and bully FOMO have in common is that they only see the present. They cloud our judgment and trick us into thinking,” This is all there is.” When really, we have so much more time ahead of us!

My dad convinced me to keep practicing by folding a piece of paper in half dozens of times. He said, “If this paper represents your whole life, this tiny folded corner is how little time you’ve been alive so far!” It blew my 12-year-old mind realizing how early in the journey I still was.

The same is true for self-discipline. Compared to the decades ahead of us, resisting that cookie right now hardly matters.

Going to bed on time tonight, even if we have to miss our show, is just a tiny sliver of our lifelong journey. We have to play the long game.

So here are 3 unconventional ways to make self-discipline easier by outsmarting our primitive brains and FOMO…

1. Get Curious, Not Furious

When we’re trying to focus but get distracted or want to snack when we should be fasting, it’s easy to get down on ourselves. Ugh, I have no willpower! Why can’t you stick to anything? I’ll never reach my goals at this rate! Sound familiar? Been there, my friends.

But what if, instead of beating ourselves up, we got curious? Huh, isn’t it fascinating that I want to keep scrolling Instagram even though I just said I should be working? Isn’t it interesting that I crave chocolate even though I just had a big meal?

By observing our urges and impulses with curiosity rather than judgment, we create some space between stimulus and response. It helps us recognize those sabotaging voices without immediately believing them or letting them control our behavior. We can watch as our inner lizard brain and FOMO monster rear their silly heads, without getting hooked. “Oh there goes my primitive brain trying to keep me stuck again! Nice try buddy.”

Taking this observer perspective keeps us feeling calm and empowered in the driver’s seat, instead of tossed around by each passing desire. Over time, it rewires our brains too, so self-discipline feels more natural and doable.

2. Trade Motivation for Curiosity

Sticking to goals often depends on motivation. When motivation runs high, self-discipline feels easy. We’re fired up and determined to make changes! But as we all know,

motivation is a fickle friend. It comes and goes like the weather.

When those motivating emotions fade (as they always do eventually), suddenly even minor self-discipline feels impossible. I was so pumped to eat healthy this week! What happened? This inevitable motivation rollercoaster is enough to make anyone throw in the towel.

But what if, instead of relying on motivation, we relied on curiosity? What if staying the course, even when enthusiasm dips, was simply about getting curious about what happens next?

Imagine reading an interesting novel that suddenly gets slow for a few chapters. Of course motivation drops! But what makes you keep going is curiosity about the overall story. We power through the slower parts driven to answer that nagging question in our mind: “How does it end??”

We can apply the same principle to self-discipline, especially for long-term goals. Each small choice along the way isn’t always super thrilling or exciting. But when those actions are part of a bigger quest we’re invested in, our natural curiosity keeps us moving forward through the dips. We want to find out what happens when we stick it out!

After all, it’s not about having tons of willpower in each moment but maintaining overall forward momentum however we can.

3. Make Friends with Your Future Self

As we now understand, self-discipline is so challenging in part because our brains evolved to hyper-focus on immediate gratification — eat that cookie now! click that cat video now! But the cool thing is, that scientists have discovered a way we can outsmart this impulse. How? By making friends with our future selves.

What?! Let me explain…

Yale psychologist Hal Hershfield found that imagining our future selves as different people that we interact with shifts our perspective in powerful ways. When we mentally meet “Future Emily” or “Future Ryan” and start caring about them, suddenly their needs feel just as real and urgent.

Here’s the game-changing piece though: Once we’re connected to our future selves this way, prioritizing their needs over short-term pleasures like bingeing or procrastinating becomes an act of friendship…not self-discipline!

Let me give you an example. My future self Ryan is super into being healthy and fit. He wants to live a long, active life well into his later years. Now, Present Ryan doesn’t always feel like going to the gym — he’d rather play video games and eat takeout if we’re being honest.

But when I make friends with Future Ryan in my mind, getting my butt to the gym isn’t me “forcing” self-discipline anymore. It’s me being a good friend to that future version of myself who depends on me making those solid choices now that pay off later. I’m showing up for my future friend — how cool is that?

Final Lap

And here’s the cool part — the more we practice, the more our brains structurally change through neuroplasticity to make self-discipline our normal way of being! Like upgrading an old rusty bike to a smooth new ride. It takes time and tends to happen in fits and starts, but it does happen.

The key is being patient with ourselves and remembering the lifetime ahead. Our 80-year-old self is cheering us on! When it comes to self-discipline, progress not perfection is what matters most on this wild ride we call life.

So, keep showing up — for you, your goals, and the epic adventure ahead.

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