Why Quitting Is for Winners

Maybe the problem isn’t that you’re a quitter. Maybe it’s that you stay where you shouldn’t.

We have been taught to never give up, that quitting is for losers, to never let setbacks discourage us. And sure, perseverance can be a virtue. The thing is that it’s just not always a virtue. From time to time, it would be preferable if you just gave up and did something else.

I have to be honest here. Hanzi is a quitter. In fact, it’s actually a habit of mine to quit things when they don’t provide the results I want. And I believe that everyone is better off for it. Consequently, if this book does nothing for you, or just rubs you the wrong way, I suggest you simply quit reading it.

Quitting is for winners.

Now, if we have set up happiness as a goal, to be in higher subjective states, we cannot turn a blind eye to the social contexts within which our lives play out. Situationalist psychology has proven to have greater explanatory power than almost any other branch of the study of human behavior. Simple example: Who helps a stranger in need? Is it the goodhearted, the empathetic? That explains some of the variance in behavioral responses to such a situation, but the most powerful factor is simply whether the person (the test subject) is in a hurry or not. The situation we are in dictates how we act. They’ve shown this in experimental psychology. This not only offers us insights into understanding other people (that putting ourselves “in their shoes”, in their situation, is usually one of the very best ways of understanding why people act as they do, because we often resemble one another in more ways than we think), but it also underscores that the situations we are in dictate much of how we feel — unsurprisingly enough.

So (almost) nobody can be happy, even with all the self-knowledge and inner state management in the world, in a very detrimental social situation. I know I can’t. When you quit a detrimental social situation, it’s like something is unlocked. You suddenly have all the time and energy that you invested into that situation available for other things. That’s interesting to think of, isn’t it? What would be happening in your life instead, if you got out of a certain situation? You could put time and energy into new use and begin investing in new relationships. There is a release, a kind of rebirth, even if finding one’s feet can take some time and effort.

Looking back at my own life, at least three or four of the biggest and best decisions of my life have been to simply quit. I have quit a romantic relationship and life partnership, a university education, a career path, and a life project. Lots of small and less dramatic quits add to the path and story of my life. I almost shiver at the thought of how my life would have been if I hadn’t quit even one of the major ones. Some of these decisions involved a lot of suffering, for myself and even for others, and yet that was primarily because I wasn’t wise enough to quit in due time. In some cases I have been good enough at quitting, at knowing when to call it a day, in others, I have not. To be honest, most of the times when I have been a complete asshole and hurt myself and other people the most, really come down to my inability to quit in time.

Chances are, some select times in life, we need to quit. Just quit.

And at any point in our lives, there’s at least something to quit, even if it’s just social media, a lousy book we’re reading (wink wink) or a certain subtask we’ve sort of fallen into at our job. Quitting has costs, yes, but at most times in our lives there is bound to be something we’d be better off without, even if there’s a price to be paid. Maybe we just haven’t thought of our possibility to “just quit” in that particular setting. To attain wisdom, remove things every day, as Lao Tze said.

Hence, we must become good at quitting, so that we know when to do it, how to do it well, and why we’re doing it. If you can’t say no to life, or the things in it, or to other people, you can’t say yes to life, either. Whenever people turn difficult life situations around for the better, it almost inevitably involves a lot of quitting. That may indeed be a centerpiece of their personal empowerment.

Quitting is at the core of what it means to “set boundaries”. We have all been hearing, for the last few decades, about the need for setting healthy boundaries for ourselves and sticking to them. But what does “boundary setting” really mean, and what does it mean to maintain a strong and healthy boundary, say, a preference that we should not be yelled at by a romantic partner? It ultimately means that we have the capacity to quit, and we use that capacity when we deem appropriate. No capacity to quit, no boundary. Boundaries can change over time, as you gain new insights and preferences. But they will always rely on your power to quit; lose that power, and you also lose the capacity to set boundaries in your life. Which is to say: You lose the power to create the life you want and thus to be treated the way you want.

Boundaries are about what you want, what you will tolerate in your life — or not. But, of course, you can have boundaries that are solid, clean, and reasonable (“nobody will ever hit me again”), or you can have destructive and unreasonable ones (“I won’t tolerate people who don’t give me free stuff”). The better you are at knowing when it makes sense to quit, the better boundaries you’ll be making, and the more beautiful life you will be sculpting for yourself.

You know who didn’t quit, by the way? [Brief rhetorical pause for cliffhanger effect.] The Nazis. In fact, they considered it a mark of virtue to never ever pull back. They kept pushing forward on all fronts, perhaps the front against Great Britain being the only exception. This relentlessness proved to be a disastrous strategy. Luckily. So don’t be a Nazi. When bullshit amasses in your life, be [an appropriate gender denomination] and quit it.

From the upcoming book, Jan 1st 2023. www.metamoderna.org