Why “Nice Guys Finish Last” Might Just be So True
Being a nice guy is never the problem, your idea is.

I’m just as guilty as the next person.
I used to be a nice guy.
To be honest, I still am — but nowadays, I don’t really act like it to prove anything to anyone
I was the nicest guy you’ll ever come across. When a girl cancelled a date on me, I’d ask for another. When she took two days to reply to my texts, I’d still reply in a matter of seconds. And if she’d take three days before replying, I’d send another to remind her that I still existed.
If she ever accepted to go for a date with me and spent half of it on her phone… I’d still ask her out again. If I felt she needed my financial support, even without asking for it, there I was, spilling money, like the philanthropist cum nice guy I was.
If she loved watching drama and sitcoms and wasn’t into them, I’d turn “Orange Is the New Black” greatest fan out there. All to just gain her approval.
And where did that get me? Into the dreaded friend zone. Well, sometimes I was lucky to get nice rejections and a notch higher and became family — a brother.
I’ve been there mate… still recovering.
As such, being a “nice guy” and getting quite a couple of nice rejections taught me a number of things. The main: Being genuinely nice is rarely the cause of your “nice guy” problems, but “being nice” with an intention is.
While this statement holds true for most people, it’s not the ultimate reason. I understand that any absolutism is never totally an accurate assessment of anything.
As such, here are some other few lessons that I’ve learned along the way that try to unearth why nice guys don’t win.
“Mean Guys” is not the Opposite of “Nice Guys,” Good Guys Is
“Nice guys don’t finish last; bad guys posing as nice guys do.” Gary Vaynerchuk
Many guys fall into the trap of thinking that they have to behave like total jerks for ladies to like them, which is often not true.
Being genuinely nice doesn’t mean having a scoreboard and ticking every pleasantness you can think of, and expecting a relationship, or anything in return, for that matter. The whole “niceness” thing is actually a mask over entitlement, cowardice, and, quite frankly, insecurity.
Understanding the Nice Guy Syndrome
The nice guy syndrome can be used to sarcastically describe a man who sees himself as the stereotypical nice guy. His actions are driven by an ulterior intention to court a lady and hopes that the lady might develop romantic and sexual feelings for him out of his ‘niceness.’
Unfortunately, what inevitably and unconsciously happens is that the lady puts the guy in the friend zone instead of reciprocating the “nice guy’s" feelings. What results after is resentment and anger towards women, and the society as a whole, from the guy for the “conceived idea” that they do not value nice guys.
The problem is not their actions but their intentions. They operate under some “covert contracts” which expect the other party to do something nice to them in return. In essence, it’s an “I’ll do this for you IF you do this for me” type of model.
So they will not do nice things because that’s not what they want to do but because they expect the girl to do something for them in return — and when this model fails, they start emotionally blackmailing the lady for ignoring them and pursuing a jerk.
Honestly, there’s nothing genuinely nice about that.
The nice guy syndrome is true in some circumstances but is not necessarily the whole story. Here are some other factors and reasons that significantly contribute to the “nice guys" problems.
Nice Guys Don’t Understand How Attraction Works
For a start, friend-zone isn’t a term women coined but a myth that women deny romance to men they’re attracted to. Honestly, no lady puts a guy in the friend-zone — guys put themselves in the zone. I don’t think any woman in their right mind would sit and start to think: “this one goes to the friendzone, or that one should move to the boyfriend zone.” That simply isn’t how human attraction works.
Attraction is an organic process just like taste. You don’t eat food and then decide whether it’s sweet or not. You either like the taste, or you don’t. It’s that simple.
Nice guys don’t realize that they have to be more than just nice to attract a lady, or any human. You see, being nice is a given and expected basic human trait, just like hygiene. As a high-value man, you need to offer more than just the basics. If all you have to offer is “I’m not-cruel,” how the heck do you expect that to sound even attractive?
Nice isn’t attractive in and of itself — but it’s also a mistake to conclude the opposite is true. Everyone requires and expects people they relate to be friendly, generous, polite, respectful, kind, etc. It’s just a core level of humanity and a minimum requirement that you expect even before you consider relating to anyone.
But come to think of it, is being nice enough to interest you in a person? I highly doubt it.
Having the bare minimum of a human being is a good place to start, but that’s not all there is. You need to build on several things, including but not limited to:
- Impressive intelligence.
- Something you’re really good at.
- Outstanding skills.
- Interesting knowledge.
- A sense of humor.
- Well-presented looks. Not necessarily wearing expensive clothes, but you take care of yourself.
Do you present yourself as caring, kind, friendly, complimentary, and fun, or you are simply not “cruel and bothersome?” Does your haircut suit you, or did you have it for impressions? Do you wear fitting clothing, or you’re always a scruffy mess? Are your talks always shallow, or do you engage in deep, meaningful conversations once in a while? When talking to people, are you interesting and polite, or are you only polite?
Answering these simple questions will help you know whether you’re just an average person or a beyond average and attractive person.
Nice Guys Never Make Their Intentions Known
Nice guys think that if they exhibit platonic, loving, and simp-like behavior to ladies they like, they will get romantic behavior from them. Think for a second… does it even make sense?
That’s one of the simplest reasons why most men get themselves into the friend zone. They treat the woman they like as a friend rather than a potential partner. And when these guys drop the “I love you speech or paragraphs,” the lady is left agape and hits them with “What! I didn’t think you felt that about me, and I saw you only as a friend.” Oooof!
Here’s the key: announce your intent.
If you want to take her out for dinner. Do it. Don’t just fool around with the issue. What’s the worst that’ll happen with saying, “I want to know you over some barbecue?” Well, you don’t know that cause you’re too afraid of rejection.
Quit that nice guy attitude and create a romantic attraction rather than drowning in the false hopes that your politeness, generosity, and good acts will form that for you.
Making your intentions known will put you at a better place in knowing whether she’ll be emotionally invested in you or not, rather than wasting a lot of time skirting around.
Nice Guys Are Desperate
Desperation is just another word for “neediness” and the opposite of confidence. No one likes a timid guy, so if you’re just another person trying to seek validation in order to be, I’m sorry, you failed.
Nice guys are usually in a desperate hurry to change who they are to meet the needs and interests of the lady they like. They are worried about how the lady thinks about them, apologetic for their opinions, and start liking things they dislike to accommodate the lady, especially when she starts showing resistance or some lack of interest.
You don’t need to fit some proto-type of a masculine mold where the only hobby is crushing beer and watching football. Don’t fall for the hype. If you genuinely love doing that, great. But if you don’t, you don’t have to change to impress anyone.
The whole point of dating and falling in love is finding someone who loves you and likes spending time with you for whom you are.
If you think you have to change the things you love just to accommodate someone else, then they’re not the one for you, move on. And if you change for someone to like you, the relationship will not last long because you can’t live up to that facade forever.
Being proud of who you are is hands down one of the greatest attractive traits you can every possess. That spells confidence — and it’s attractive. Have a self-image that’s strong enough to handle and say the word “no.” If a girl doesn’t want to go out with you, heck, there’s a lot of them, and no one really cares.
You can have the weirdest of hobbies, but provided you have the confidence to own up to them and never lie to a girl just to please her, you will be attractive to the ideal woman.
Be you, do you, own yourself and act like it. Understand that whatever you like doing is worthy of your attention, and it’s just as cool as crushing beers and watching a football match.
Nice Guys are Less Assertive
Do you know who takes your place when you act all nice to please everyone?
The bold, assertive, centered men with a strong sense of purpose. They are too busy with what matters to them to change an aspect of them to please another person. They live life on their terms and accomplish many of their goals.
In that way, they’re always almost the same with the bad guy… but there’s a significant difference: They’re gentlemen.
They never bend their rules to fit into the idea of someone else. They never say yes to things they don’t like. They don’t act like pleasers just to get a girl on a date or get girls to like them. They aren’t short-tempered or rude, and they treat women with respect and dignity.
The only thing they don’t do is that they don’t let a girl waste their time. They know what they want, show a girl that they’re interested but don’t chase her around in the hope that she’ll get to like them one day.
In a word, they’re nice — but not people pleasers.
If you’re willing to change who you are at the drop of a hat just to please a woman, it tells her one thing:
You think you’re not good enough the way you are, so you have to change it somehow to please her. You’re afraid to be yourself. You feel unworthy of her presence.
Change that around and be assertive. Learn to say no when you genuinely don’t like something.
Nice Guys Chase Girls
Unfortunately, nice guys think they have to compete to win someone they like. But the truth is: there’s no race. The reason why you can’t win her over is because you’re in a virtual race, and since there’s no race, you end up chasing her away.
It’s okay to pursue, talk, and text girls. The problem comes in when you overdo them. When you give too much attention early on, you talk out all excitement out of dating. The lady knows what to expect, and there’s zero challenge of her learning more about you. Don’t suck up all the mystery in you by overpursuing.
You know the first thing a girl does despite the fact that she’s insanely into you?
She puts you on probation — until she feels like you’re really worth it.
Now go ahead and ask yourself this: why shouldn’t you do the same and filter everyone who comes into your life? Are you willing to let any girl just walk into your life and claim space up there simply because she’s invested in her aesthetics fine?
If you’re looking for a partner, you should set some well-defined and reasonable standards for yourself as a high-value man. If she is setting goals and doing the filtering herself, why shouldn’t you? If you don’t, then it means it’s so easy to get into your life, lowering your value.
When you don’t do the screening, it screams neediness, and quite frankly, it’s the opposite of attractive.
A woman, or anyone, can sense when you are needy and insecure. She understands and knows when you feel you’re not good enough for her. She can smell this, just like a shark smells blood. But instead of swimming towards the kill, they run in the opposite direction.
What usually happens is that the woman deems you unattractive, dull, and carefully packs as forgettable.
Nice Guys Claim They’re Nice
I was recently in a meeting with a lot of senior people, most of whom were far beyond my age bracket. During socializing, though feeling a bit weird for the age gap, I noticed something inherently different with them when doing their introductions. None of them described themselves with simple, cartoon-like terms: “I’m dark and brooding” or “I’m goofy” or “I’m nice.”
All of them had skills, deep interests, and profound careers, and when being introduced, they would be termed as “A great artist,” “A highly qualified teacher.” “An excellent programmer.” None was described as “nice” despite most of them being nice.
Genuinely nice people just do things and don’t care to say they’re good. They also don’t shout from the top of Burj Khalifa, saying how kind they are. Inauthentic guys do that.
This is why being nice will take you so far. You need to focus on building a strong you instead of whining and thinking about why girls don’t like you. Dive into your passions, interests, careers and be more than just nice. By doing this, you’ll become a more skilled and confident nice person, rather than just sitting and deciding to be one. You literally have to put in the hours of passion.
You need to find something that interests you and dedicate yourself to it. If you focus on it, serve it, and become good at it, you’ll eventually reach an admirable stage of confidence with it.
Nice Guys Think they Are the Only the Nice Guys
In my teenage years, I fell in love. I really liked this girl, and I would treat her so nicely. I think I mentioned a lot of the weird stuff I did at the beginning, but the worst I did, and I even cringe at it till now, is thinking I was the only one hitting upon the girl as a good guy. I thought all the other guys flooding her inbox were douchebags and couldn’t beat me in the game.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t be so wrong.
Whoever coined the phrase “You can’t have a dozen cooks to prepare a morsel, must’ve been in the dating phase themselves. The higher percentage of men that women meet is actually the nice guys, with only about 3% of them having the courage to approach her confidently.
She already has a large pool of nice guys to choose from — and that’s why you need to stand out.
The guys that win don’t have to worry much about engaging in friendly banter or flirting because they don’t fear they’ll sound offensive or uncool.
You see, the reason why the guy with a motorcycle, a leather jacket, and who generally doesn’t care about other people’s opinions keeps on winning is that they live life on their own terms and believe they’re good enough.
Their attitude is either, “You like me, or see ya.”
For the same reason, you’re intimidated by that is for the same reason that girls find that appealing.
The guy is sure of himself and presents a necessary mystery that needs to be solved. Any woman, or person, knows that they can’t push them around just to get them to do what they want. A woman can trust that guy to make her comfortable and safe (okay except for the motorcycle part) whenever she needs the guy to, and he won’t fall into pieces at the first sign of trouble.
The Upshot
You sell yourself to women, and the world in general, when you decide to approach. When you market yourself as only “nice,” you come off as bland, boring, and easily forgettable with nothing good to offer apart from being nice.
So, where do you start your approach as a nice guy? It’s quite simple. Stop being nice- it’s not an interesting quality- and approach with boldness and confidence.
So the next time you see a lady you’re interested in, walk up to her, politely interrupt, and say this to her:
“I’m sorry for interrupting what I’m sure is important, but this couldn’t wait. I really would like to know you more over lunch, but I have to run. Could I get your number to hash the details?”
If it’s a no, say thank you, and jog off, it’s not a big deal. Repeat until success.
Finally, understand that having success with ladies is not about living the Hollywood version of a rich, successful, and arrogant guy. Neither is it being the guy who needs validation from other people to prove he has self-confidence.
Being a good guy means valuing your time and energy; holding the keys to your heart and happiness; and having great hobbies and interests that are outside a potential relationship. It means marching to the beat of your drums, and being the protagonist to your own story. Being your own boogeyman to your fears, and hers too, and consequently the best version of you. Only by this will you pull in the right people.
Be the guy who is unapologetic for his opinion and life choices. Don’t interact with women and the world with the mindset of whether they’ll like you or not. Stand by your convictions and have self-confidence regardless of the money you have, the job you do, and your status in your social circles.
Rather than trying to package yourself as an object you are looking to exchange in a superficial, sexual “free” market. Be yourself.
Remember:
If you faked yourself, she’ll rightfully leave.
If you didn’t, she might just stay.
Her choice. You don’t dictate that. She’s the selector. You’re the player.
See you soon, stud!
Victor