Why Narcissists Need To Be in Control

Many people who have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) receive mental health support and actively work very hard to suppress their symptoms. This article is not outing those people, as I commend them for taking active steps to combat their illness.

The Psychology Behind Narcissism:

The act of control tends to stem from childhood. A future narcissist may incorporate learned behaviors from their narcissistic parent(s). They may feel like they are living their life under a watchful eye. When they reach adulthood, they tend to turn a learned behavior into a copied behavior.

The main reason why a narcissist needs control is because they suffer from fragile egos. Although it may seem like a narcissist is confident, beneath that facade is a person with very low self-esteem. In their heads, it is easier to guilt-shame and gaslight somebody than to admit to their wrongdoings.

Like Fire and Ice:

Visualize the hot and cold taps in your bathroom. Imagine if when running your hand under the tap you get a large shock due to scolding water. This is similar to the “lightswitch” mind of a narcissist. They are unpredictable and you will never truly know what mood they are in.

Narcissists will take the joy out of your pain and misery. This is something that you cannot change and it is up to you to decide if you want to accommodate this person in your life with assertive boundaries or if you need to go “no contact”. To keep you around, a narcissist will make the future look hazy so you don’t think about leaving them.

As somebody with BPD, I can understand the fear of abandonment in people who are narcissists. But I do not react in the same way. I am open to communication and hearing the other person out to find healthy ways forward. A narcissist needs you to agree to all of their demands so they can hold you emotionally captive. Do not let their entitlement lead to exploitation.

Warning Signs of Narcissistic Rage:

• Aggressive Outbursts: An aggressive outburst can take the form of intimidation, overtalking the victim, yelling, threats of harm, throwing objects, and verbal abuse.
• Violent Outbursts: Violence typically occurs when narcissistic rage gets to an uncontrollable level, and they feel they have no other outlet besides physical force. The violence is either towards their victim or themselves.
• Passive Aggressive Behavior: This is a more subtle form of rage but equally as damaging. Passive aggression can involve methods like withdrawing or engaging in silent treatment. In addition, it can include behaviors like gaslighting, highlighting someone else’s failures, procrastinating on important tasks, guilt-tripping, or agreeing to do something and then refusing to do it later.
• Suppressive behavior: This type of behavior entails playing the victim. For example, the narcissist acts as if something is wrong to get attention. In a similar vein, they might also downplay certain problems or withhold vital information from loved ones.

And yet you want to know the one thing that will make them stop…

Ignore them.

Sounds funny, but the one thing narcissists hate is being ignored. By ignoring their actions, the grip of control is loosened and the mask fades away.

Don’t fight back anymore. Don’t throw the first verbal punch. You are not the drama. The best way of giving them a piece of your mind is by not giving them to you at all. Get support from your friends and family and never back down from your beliefs and values.

Going “No Contact”:

If you cannot cope with a narcissist, you are well within your right to leave without explanation. At the end of the day, what is the point of staying with somebody who doesn’t love you, who loves manipulating you? If you relate to this, I strongly urge you to seek support from your social circle and create a plan to remove yourself from the situation permanently. Ending the relationship may feel painful, but staying in this toxic pattern will probably cause you even more harm.

Understanding why narcissists need to be in control provides valuable insight into their behavior and the underlying psychological factors driving their actions. The need for control often originates from childhood experiences and a fragile ego, leading to unpredictable emotional outbursts and manipulative tactics. Recognizing the warning signs of narcissistic rage can help protect ourselves and set assertive boundaries to maintain emotional well-being.

When dealing with a narcissist, it’s essential to remember that ignoring their actions not “poking the bear” can help to nullify their impact. You also deserve to be loved by your friends and family so don’t let them take your social circle away, this is abuse. Seeking support from friends and family can feel incredibly difficult, but they can help you find the strength to break free from the toxic cycle. Going “no contact” may be a difficult decision, but it can be a crucial step towards reclaiming your life and rebuilding an exciting future. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and love, and choosing to prioritize your well-being is never a sin. Keep smiling, keep fighting.