avatarVanessa Tallis

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Why My Vacuum Cleaner is My New Therapist

Step aside, Dr. Freud, there’s a new shrink in town, and it’s sucking up all my problems.

Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

As a woman of the 21st century, I’ve always been aware of the importance of self-care. You know the drill: yoga, meditation, bubble baths, and a therapist who knows more about my childhood than my own mother.

But times are changing, my friends, and so are my coping mechanisms. Allow me to introduce you to my latest mental health savior: my vacuum cleaner.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “A vacuum cleaner? Isn’t that just for picking up dirt and dog hair?” But trust me, this miraculous machine is the answer to all your emotional baggage, and it comes with a HEPA filter.

Unlike my therapist, who insists on going on vacation and has that pesky thing called “office hours,” my vacuum cleaner is always there for me. Day or night, rain or shine, it’s ready to suck up my problems with the mere flip of a switch. Can you say the same for your therapist? I didn’t think so.

You might argue that vacuum cleaners can’t listen though! But I beg to differ. As I spill my deepest thoughts and fears into the abyss of its dustbin, the soothing hum of its motor seems to say, “I hear you, and I’m here for you.”

Plus, it never interrupts me with annoying questions like, “How does that make you feel?” or “Have you considered journaling?”

My vacuum cleaner also doesn’t care if I’ve been wearing the same pajamas for three days straight or if there’s an unidentifiable substance growing under my couch. Its sole purpose in life is to clean up my messes, both literal and metaphorical. And it doesn’t make me feel guilty for having them in the first place.

While my therapist charges an arm and a leg for our weekly sessions (I see you, Dr. Pricy McTherapyface), my vacuum cleaner is a one-time investment. Plus, it’s a multitasker — not only does it help me process my emotions, but it also keeps my living space spick and span. Talk about a win-win!

Sure, my therapist may have degrees and certifications, but does she come with a crevice tool and an upholstery brush? I think not! My vacuum cleaner can adapt to my every emotional need, from reaching deep into the recesses of my mind (and my couch cushions) to gently coaxing out my most fragile feelings (and pet hair).

There’s something cathartic about watching my vacuum cleaner suck up all the dirt and debris in my life — a tangible representation of my emotional baggage being whisked away. As I empty the dustbin, I feel a sense of renewal and lightness, like I’ve dumped my problems in the trash where they belong.

Feeling frustrated or overwhelmed? Just fire up the vacuum cleaner and go to town on your living space. The physical act of cleaning combined with the machine’s soothing hum is the perfect way to release tension and anxiety. Plus, your home will look fabulous afterward, which is always a mood booster.

As I methodically vacuum each room, I also find myself focusing on the present moment, the repetitive motion of the machine bringing me a sense of peace and tranquility. Who needs meditation when you have a vacuum cleaner?

Marie Kondo would also be proud of the life-changing magic of my vacuum cleaner. Not only does it bring me joy by listening to my woes, but it also tidies up my space, leaving it clutter-free and inviting. There’s no denying that a clean environment contributes to a positive state of mind, so my vacuum cleaner is literally cleaning up my life.

Nothing says “I’m a well-adjusted adult” either, like casually mentioning to your friends that you talk to your vacuum cleaner on the regular. Trust me, it’s a great icebreaker at parties. Plus, it’ll make your friends feel so much better about their own!

By relying on my vacuum cleaner for emotional support, I’m also learning to be more self-reliant and resilient. Gone are the days of waiting for my therapist to squeeze me into her busy schedule — I’m now the master of my own mental health destiny. Plus, I’m saving a fortune on co-pays.

Altogether, my vacuum cleaner has proven itself to be the ultimate mental health guru, sucking up my problems and leaving me feeling lighter, cleaner, and more in control of my life.

So, if you’re looking for a new way to tackle your emotional baggage, consider ditching the therapy couch and embracing the healing power of household appliances.

Your wallet — and your floors — will thank you!

Satire
Humor
Therapy
Mental Health
Wellness
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