Why must you seek out the good in everyone?
How to look beyond a person’s flaws?
INTRODUCTION
More than a decade ago, I worked for X who was immensely talented, hard-working, and knowledgeable. There was so much to learn from him. I took the opportunity to work and soak in every bit of insight he had to offer.
But there was a problem.
I did not like the way he taught, trained, or treated people.
There was a sense of supremacy in X’s attitude. Every interaction, conversation, or proposed discussion would end up into a monologue interspersed with personal jabs at my (in)competence. X behaved in the same manner with everyone. Somehow people around him accepted this behavior and often idolized him.
With time, my conversations became strained and limited to the bare requisite. Every word of X seemed to challenge my abilities and an attempt to denigrate my self-worth.
I don’t know when the shift happened but I started taking things as a personal attack. Circumstances forced us to work together and things became volatile. I blamed X for that without realizing I was equally responsible.
Two swords cannot fit into the same sheath.
X and I became those two swords. I would not back down from any discussion. Simple conversations became contentious. Being a socially awkward person, I avoid confrontation. Here, I was in a continuous combative mode and it spilled over into my personal life.
Luckily, it was creating an unpleasant state of mind and THAT acted as a trigger for change.
Bridging the Gap
After every heated interaction, the tone and content of the conversation kept playing on my mind. I struggled to focus on my work but was left agitated and on the edge.
One day my soul sister called to check on me. Thank God! Our conversation was the turning point for the better.
She was horrified at my transformation.
“If you think that you are winning, you are NOT. You are turning into X. You are getting sucked into extreme negativity and it is affecting you in more ways than one. I would like you to look in the mirror and wonder when did you turn into this awful human being and give away the power to someone else.” Being able to affect my moods and behavior means exactly that, isn’t it?
She warned me to fix this before it’s too late.
The question is how do I bridge the gap and yet retain my identity? I dug into what I know and applied it in this context.
Factors affecting our behavior and attitude
“Why-Why” analysis is a management concept to determine the root cause. A person is not born good or bad. Behavior and attitude are learned and developed over time.
Why am I the way I am?
- Personal (family, friends) and emotional factors(needs and wants)
- Expectations, life experiences, events
- Impact of others’ actions, community norms
- Perception
Had I made an effort at the beginning to know more about X, his background, his environment, and the enabling factors — I would have figured out how to deal with him better. I would have saved myself from wasting precious time on inane issues. Instead of being at loggerheads, a comfortable working relationship could be formed.
Stepping into someone’s shoes
A question that often intrigued me was how does X get away with this behavior? Why is it acceptable to everyone? What is enabling this behavior?
To my utter surprise, I found that people around X were happy to be compliant. They discreetly let on that “do as directed” absolved them of any responsibilities towards the outcome. No one wanted to question the status quo. Anyway, the buck stopped with X.
It was an infinite loop. X’s behavior was domineering. Others working or living with X had two options — resist or comply. Compliance was easier. X won’t be able to blame the others. Resisting meant taking the initiative to think and act differently. It was riskier. Over time, instead of addressing this underlying issue; X started believing he was superior.
At times, the environment enables such behavior and when left unchecked, it fosters it.
Draw up a strategy
My initial approach to dealing with X was incorrect. The “tit for tat” behavior was eroding my identity, values, and ethics. My personality was undergoing rapid change (towards the negative) while X remained as he was.
Here’s the thing.
If you cannot see eye to eye with someone, spiteful action is not the way. You can always be nasty. Before that, give the benefit of the doubt to the other person.
Ask yourself — is there an underlying reason for this behavior or bothersome character trait?
I needed to come up with a different strategy to work with X. Confronting him at every step was not the goal; learning and extracting his wisdom was. And that milestone was moving further away.
From Introspection to Growth
Instead of looking outwards, I chose to take responsibility and look inwards. Is there something in my internal locus of control? If yes, I can fix it.
Self Assessment and Realization
The first step was determining why X’s domineering behavior irked me so much. The answer lies in my upbringing.
I have been brought up in an Asian family where independence of thought was always encouraged. I was taught to take initiative, read, learn, self-educate, find better alternatives and take up challenges. X was not used to such people. Realization hit like a ton of bricks.
What if his offensive behavior was a defense mechanism? Can I do something differently to make things pleasant and yet be who I am?
The initial action to turn around the fragmented relationship was to stop arguing and start listening. The temperature dropped immediately. I went about following the instructions and doing the job as directed. A few weeks later, I presented some alternate ideas that helped me achieve the same goal in less time.
I automated a few tasks. Set a couple of checks and balances to mistake-proof mundane activities. Developed templates to save time. Trained the others to use them effectively.
The gains were visible. X consented. Soon, my opinion mattered. I was asking questions, gaining knowledge, and applying them to improve my work and increase my value.
Empathy
Empathy is a gargantuan weapon. It can cut through the thickest layer of ice.
As one of my favorite authors, Brene Brown says -
“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘You’re not alone.’”
Inability to see eye to eye is an outcome of us being judgmental. Often, the gap between reality and our expectations from the other individual is the root cause of a lot of pain. If we can let go of that, there would be harmony and peace in our lives. Accepting imperfections create a possibility for growth.
Broadening perspective toward life
My experience with X taught me a few life lessons for which I am thankful.
I can identify bias within me and steer clear. I have become open-minded, believing that everyone has some redeeming qualities and values. And it is my conscious choice to dig out that good in someone and seize it.
Life has much to offer if you are clever enough to grab it. Each one of us possesses a reservoir of information and knowledge. Every experience has a teachable aspect. If you can set aside your differences and focus on learning, you will enhance your value and well-being. Learning history impacts our life experiences and perception.
“Improving by 1 percent isn’t particularly notable — sometimes it isn’t even noticeable — but it can be far more meaningful, especially in the long run. The difference a tiny improvement can make over time is astounding.”
James Clear from Atomic Habits
CONCLUSION
My hurtful behavior at the beginning was a reaction but where did it leave me as a person? Was I proud of myself? Absolutely not!
Today while writing this post, I feel shame and regret but also gratitude at the universe for teaching me this life lesson.
A lot of my work systems, ethics, analytical abilities, and eye for detail are loosely based on what I had amassed from X. Much of it is now muscle memory. It leaves me with the bandwidth to acquire new skills. Had I continued to be confrontational, I would have missed out on a treasure trove of experience.
My takeaway
Step into the other person’s shoes, be empathetic, and stop judging others. Life is complicated. Nothing is black or white. No man is all parts good or bad.
TL;DR
In life, we might come across a person whom we can’t stand. Usually, the reason is not a physical trait, color of skin, or gender.
It is the behavior.
Either we steer clear or end up confronting.
A better way would be to identify the “whys” and bridge the gap.
Why can’t you see eye to eye? How do you make it work?
How do you fix it?
Why does the person behave the way he does?
What does the world look like from his eyes?
Every man has something good to offer.
Can I change my approach and try a different tactic? Yes, you can.
Practice empathy
Make it a win-win.
Enrich your life.
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Thank you Trista Signe Ainsworth, Ellie Jacobson, and Sharing Randomly for this wonderful publication.
I write about small businesses, health, and life as I see it on Medium, LinkedIn, and my website.
