Why Motivational Writing Doesn’t Need to be Tough Love

And why you need to cherish your tablespoons

You’d think you’d be reading Cosmo with all the advice to swallow hard truths these days.

Listen, it’s 2021. We’re all fucking tired. The world is on fire. I don’t want to be yelled at to do what I’m already doing.

And you know? Yeah. Personal responsibility is important. You can’t sit there and whine all the damn time, even though I think we’re all allowed to bitch from time to time. But you don’t have control over everything.

Motivational writing doesn’t really acknowledge that. It goes to the one extreme and preys on the insecurities of the other extreme.

I should just accept that life is crap and not do anything to better myself?

Ha. No. I’m not saying that.

I’m saying that when life is traumatic, sometimes the best you can do is rest and preserve that fire within you. Forgive yourself for not having energy.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where just about everything depends on luck. Part of that luck depends on race, gender, disability, etc. But it also depends on the right person liking you at the right time. It depends on interviewers being in a decent mood. And no, it’s not fair.

But in this unfair world we live in, we can at least be fair to ourselves. It’s hard because of all the toxic optimism and motivational rhetoric.

Take care of your responsibilities that you need to survive or take care of your family. Even if that saps you of more than you can give, don’t beat yourself up for not being able to do more.

Why do I say all of this?

In a world that profits off self-hatred, self-compassion is the strongest form of resistance.

There’s a reason I take this route instead of hustling myself to work harder and faster. It’s because if I take things out on myself, I just burn through energy I don’t need to.

Accept the things you can’t control. But remember that your energy is precious. If you haven’t heard of spoon theory, it is something disabled people use to describe energy. The theory is you wake up every day with a limited number of spoons and every action you take either regenerates or depletes them.

I take it a step further. We all have teaspoons and tablespoons.

Teaspoons are daily spoons. They are the ones we reach for first, and they regenerate every morning.

But tablespoons are larger and they are the ones we reach for when the teaspoons are gone. They are the ones we always have on spare. They are our motivation, sense of purpose, and what makes us human. Regenerating tablespoons is much harder, and they can also be depleted by grief and trauma. By things that are outside of our control. If we resist things outside of our control, we go at those things harder, thinking a larger spoon will do the trick. But we’re just depleting ourselves.

It is possible to have a bunch of teaspoons and be low on tablespoons. When this happens, instead of feeling fulfilled at the end of a busy day, we feel exhausted and drained. Being high on tablespoons but low on teaspoons means we feel fulfilled and accomplished after a busy day. But we can’t expect ourselves to keep going without taking away tablespoons.

Always remember to take care of your tablespoons. They are your motivation. Never unnecessarily go past your teaspoon limit. You’ll know when you’re there. It will be when you’ve been working several hours and your brain is yelling at you to stop, but you resist.

Because of the world we live in, a lot of us are low on tablespoons right now. No matter how much we do during the day, it feels like we haven’t done enough. Instead of pushing yourself to do more, find what will regenerate tablespoons.

Call a friend. Read a book. Write in a journal. Look at old pictures. Anything to remind yourself who you are and what you are working towards. Remind yourself why you are using so many teaspoons. Is there a dream? Even if it isn’t realistic right now? There will always be something.

Motivation doesn’t need to be tough love because right now, what we need is just love. We need a goddamn break. Even if it is small, give it to yourself. Embrace your humanity. Cherish your tablespoons.

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