DATING | RELATIONSHIPS

Why Most Dating Tips Young Men Get Are So Problematic

It’s all about fake it till you make it

I was sitting next to a friend in the lobby of our school. He was on his cell phone, seeming to write a message on WhatsApp.

All of a sudden, he put his phone away. He received another message but started to ignore his phone. Then he turned to me to tell me something.

A few days ago, he met a girl. Now he texts with her, trying to arrange a date. Then he sat there, holding his cell phone but not using it — just waiting for something.

I asked him why he wouldn’t answer her message. His answer blew me away. “I don’t want to appear needy," he said — that’s why he waits after every message from her and takes his time to reply.

He tried to seem busy — but in reality, he was sitting there waiting.

Wait a while after each message to not appear needy —There are plenty of such strange dating tips for men. However, very few people are aware that this is a problem.

Let’s take a closer look at what men are learning about dating today and why it’s problematic.

Fake it till you laid it

It may be true: if I wait before answering a message, it looks like I’m busy.

Young men hope that this will make them appear more mature and valuable. But appearances are deceptive, of course.

I tried this trick sometimes in the past. I would get a message and deliberately put my cell phone away. But the truth is that I was usually busy playing video games and could have just pressed pause to reply.

Today I don’t do such nonsense anymore, and the reason is simple: sooner or later, the truth reveals. Maybe in the short term, the deception succeeds, and you look like a busy man. But if the reality is different, it will come out at some point — maybe on the first date.

This kind of “tip” is nothing more than a short-term deception. Some men do not even have the claim to make it further than on a first date.

Delayed replying is easy — but there are more complex weird dating tips. Let’s move on to the next one.

Increase your sexual “market value” artificially

The self-proclaimed women experts of this century have several theses. One of them is the following: Women find you more attractive when other women find you attractive.

So if you surround yourself with women regularly, it will make you more attractive to other women; that’s what they claim.

This is a tip some men follow. If they are interested in a woman, they do everything to be seen by her, interacting with another woman. There are several ways to do this.

Thanks to social media, it’s relatively easy — post a picture containing you with another woman that the desired woman might see. It also goes even more blatant.

In a bar, a man happens to see a woman he likes a lot. They already know each other; maybe they have already dated — without success so far. If she has also noticed him, he starts interacting with another woman.

Pseudo deep questions as a shortcut

Maybe you’ve heard of the 36 Questions to Fall in Love.

It’s an experiment where two people can supposedly fall in love by asking each other the questions. The idea behind it is simple: by answering the questions, the two people build an emotional & intimate bond with each other.

Arriving at a date with a list of such questions would be strange. But from today’s dating coaches, there are always a few questions that are a must ask.

Most of the time, they’re open-ended questions that are very deep — or at least seem that way.

What do you think is the meaning of life? When was the last time you cried? What would you still want to do if you died tomorrow?

Honestly, if a woman asked me rows and rows of questions like that on a date, I’d run away immediately.

Dating coaches swear by it, though, because it supposedly seems confident to ask questions & these types of questions immediately build an emotional connection — at least, that’s what they claim.

Why such questions are so problematic

Many of these tips appealed to me when I was younger — I admit it. Based on my experiences with other men, I know they are widespread — a whole industry thrives on them.

But apart from the fact that such tricks only work in the short term, there are other problems with them.

A problematic image of women is created

It’s all about short-term manipulation, really: yes, it might even work — but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s a sham.

It is conveyed that women are impressionable. The fact that the tricks are pretty immoral is not addressed one bit. Mostly, the techniques are justified by the statement that this is what women actually want.

By creating a false impression, the person is deceived — and in my opinion, disrespected. Who wants to go on a date with a person only to find out later that you had a completely wrong impression of them?

But it doesn’t even have to get that far anymore. Often, these dating tips are not only meant to make a woman a permanent partner.

Prevalent are the short-term tricks in the community of pick-up artists — men who are usually only looking to sleep with a woman once.

Whether the woman herself “only” expected a one-night stand or didn’t want to sleep with the man at all usually doesn’t matter to these people.

The business with insecurity

Let’s face it: if you have a lot of self-confidence, you probably won’t pick up dating tips from books or courses before a date.

Most of the time, modern dating coaches approach insecure young men. Of course, these coaches are interested in selling something — whether it’s courses, books, or videos.

They thrive on the insecurities of young men. Simultaneously, there is often intense misogyny in the communities of modern men’s coaches & dating experts. It’s a gathering place of frustrated Young Men who reinforce each other’s views.

I can’t imagine it’s possible to build a healthy love relationship through the kind of dating tips I just showed you. If it is a relationship the men are after, they will probably fail at it — and their frustration will be even more incredible.

In any case, compensating your insecurities with manipulative tricks is not a good solution.

Sources

[1]: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/09/style/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html