Why “Make a Good First Impression” is Bad Advice

First Impressions are Overrated

I suffered from social anxiety in high school. I didn’t go to a football game, party, dance, and didn’t kiss a girl until college.

I spent years reading and watching videos about dating and relationships. I flunked out of college my freshmen year because I was reading and practicing everything I was learning instead of studying for class.

One of the most common pieces of advice I received was, “make a good first impression.”

A significant part of a first impression is your body language and attitude, so I began learning about eye contact, posture, vocal tonality, improv comedy, and other charismatic skills.

Within years, my friends, family, coworkers, and romantic partners began to view me as extroverted, funny, witty, and charismatic.

But eventually, my facade would fade, and I’d become human again.

I’d get mad at a coworker, argue with a friend, get jealous of a partner, and withdraw because I was tired or stressed.

My social mishaps made others question my persona: “Maybe he’s not as positive, fun, nice, and confident as he seems.”

I felt the people closest to me become weary, distant, and judgemental.

I have a coworker who is the opposite of me: quiet, hostile, and honestly, a jerk.

I was talking with him, and we had a long conversation about school and basketball. I left the interaction, thinking, “he’s not as bad as I thought. He’s actually a pretty cool guy.”

My best friend is one of the best people I know socially. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have gone to prom or discovered that socializing is a skill that can be learned.

He’s not charismatic by technical definition. He’s not loud, outgoing, or high energy. But he’s liked by literally everyone I know and is seen as a leader, confident, and funny.

In social settings, he doesn’t try and be “cool,” “chill,” or the life of the party. Instead, he’s just normal.

He has normal conversations. He speaks when he has something valuable to add. He makes a joke when appropriate.

Use Human Biology to Your Advantage

Humans have a biological drive to conserve energy. To do this, we mentally group ideas, behaviors, and people into categories — good, bad, right, wrong, strong, weak, happy, sad, fun, boring.

Any single behavior could change the way people view you.

If you’re generally happy and cheerful and one day you’re sad and gloomy, people will start to doubt your past behaviors and label you off your current one because it’s the easiest choice.

This doesn’t mean you should be an uptight jerk that only lightens up when all the chips fall your way. It implies that stability and neutrality are more optimal than extremes socially.

If you’re commonly an emotionally stable person, one behavior won’t change your categorization.

Let’s say you get angry at your coworker. They won’t categorize you because you weren’t in a category to begin with. There’s no previous evidence to base your most current behavior.

Conversely, let’s say you’re overly excited and happy. People will believe something positive happened in your life, and you’re just having a normal human reaction.

Socially, it’s better to be intuitive and adapt to your surroundings instead of trying to stand out.

“Standing out” is the more attractive option but doesn’t garner the best results because one faulty behavior can trap you in a category that you’ll have to pry yourself from.

To become intuitive, emotionally stable, and socially calibrated, you have to become aware of and allow to pass, your initial reactions and behaviors.

Patterns of thought and actions have become so ingrained in us that we cannot see other possible realities.

Instead of saying or doing the first thing that comes to mind, breathe. Relax. Become centered and respond from this place.

You may feel self-conscious and stifled initially, but with time, you’ll become more connected to your true feelings and others’ emotions, which will allow you to connect with them.

Connection is a necessity for human survival and determines how you’re perceived.

Putting on an act will only create a barrier from people feeling connected to and liking you.

Leaving the Acting for Dicaprio

Don’t try and get people to view you as fun, playful, witty, confident, extroverted, cool, or chill.

It only affects your ability to be congruent to yourself and your surroundings.

Instead, ground yourself in the present moment, and intuitively choose the words and actions that make you and others feel good.

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