Why Losing My Father-in-law Affected Me More Than My Father’s Passing

How the depth of your relationship affects your level of grieving

It is the capacity to feel consuming grief and pain and despair that also allows me to embrace love and joy and beauty with my whole heart. I must let it all in. — Anna White

My father-in-law passed away in mid-April. Our family was devastated by his loss, which was made more difficult due to the coronavirus and restrictions on visiting him while his rehab center and then ICU was on lockdown.

My father passed away in 2018.

Losing my father-in-law recently has brought back emotions from my father’s passing. With my father, I’d experienced a mix of emotions from grief to sadness to guilt.

My parents got divorced when I was a young teenager and I’ve had a complicated relationship with my father both before and after my parent’s divorce. After they got divorced, I didn’t see my father too much throughout the years.

My father got sick and I knew the day would come when he would no longer be with us. I remember the day my brother called to tell me our father had died. I sat on the floor and just cried for long time. My mind was telling me that I knew he was going to die, but my heart countered with feelings of grief and guilt.

I felt guilty for lost time, for being too busy with life to do more to rebuild a broken relationship. I’m sad that my father is no longer with us, but my heart hurts for the lost years without him.

Growing up, I had conflicted feelings for my father.

I remember he called me Princess and my younger sister Pumpkin. I loved him and looked up to him as my daddy but didn’t know how to deal with the conflict at home.

I feel guilty for having wanted him to leave because of all the strife he’d caused and for how happy I felt when my parents got divorced when I was 14.

I still remember one day when I was getting ready for school. As I brushed my hair in the bathroom, my father came to say goodbye before he left for work. I was still angry about the heated argument he’d had with my mother the night before. I didn’t even turn around to say goodbye. I only said, “I hate you and hope you leave.” I could tell that my childish outburst hurt his feelings when I saw his sad face staring back in the mirror. Not long after that moment, my parents got divorced.

That is one of the bittersweet moments with my father that still haunts me to this day.

I did not see my father for more than a decade after the divorce, except for one time when my older brother drove us down the Garden State Parkway in NJ to meet my father, stepmother, and half-brother at a truck stop for dinner. That meeting was awkward, but looking back now, I was glad we got to see them and meet our younger brother for the first time.

However, during that meeting, I remember thinking that I was mad that my father looked so happy with his new wife and new son. I wondered how he could start over with a new family and why couldn’t things have worked out with him and my mom.

Then I remembered all the fighting and why it was better that he’d left.

After I got married, my husband and I went to NJ to visit my father. It was such a nice time of reconnecting with him even further after having seen him again at our wedding the year before.

We got to see him, my stepmother, and half-brother again. It was weird seeing my half-brother who was then 17 years old and grown up. He was only 7 years old when my siblings and I had met him at the truck stop.

That day my hopes of cultivating our relationship again were dashed after I found out that my father had to move to Arizona to be near relatives due to work issues and he needed to find more work. I was happy that he was going to find work, but so sad that I wouldn’t be able to see him much anymore.

I had gotten married, started to grow up emotionally, and had wanted to try to pick up the pieces of our shattered relationship and see if it could be repaired and grow.

That was the last time I saw my father.

My husband and I kept hoping to have the money to go to Arizona to visit him, his wife, and son. However, we both lost our jobs, had bad financial difficulties, and never had the money to travel to Arizona. Phone calls on holidays and other days throughout the year had to suffice.

When I found out that my father got sick, my husband and I desperately wanted to visit him, but we never could. And now he’s gone. Did I do enough? Was there something else I could have done to find a way to see him even in our severe financial difficulties?

With the loss of my father, I had to deal with hurt, regrets, and guilt over lost time. I vented my feelings through writing and wrote him a poem. Writing was the first step in helping me process my feelings and grief.

Opposite relationship

My relationship with my father-in-law was drastically different from the one with my father.

The first time my husband, John brought me home to meet his parents, his father had shingles. I remember feeling extremely nervous and thinking his father was very grumpy. I had to remind myself that he was in pain, not simply grumpy. Then John went to talk to his mom upstairs. A few minutes later, Pop went into another room and I was alone in the family room with Nonna. She kept smiling at me, but we couldn’t communicate due to the language barrier. She only spoke Italian.

It was definitely a memorable first meeting with my soon to be in-laws! I knew in that moment, that even though Pop was not feeling well and barely spoke to me that I would grow to love him like the father figure that had always been missing in my life.

From the moment that Pop found out at one of our family dinners that I had written a novel, he was surprised, but then beamed with pride. I found out later that he’d told everyone in his large extended Italian family that his daughter-in-law was an author and how proud he was.

After my second book was published, I remember when Pop called me and asked if my book was based on a true story. I said, “Yes.”

He said, “Hmm, ok, ok. That’s good. I liked the story. Ok. Goodbye.” That was Pop. Always direct and to the point. It made my day to know that he’d read my book and actually liked it. He was one of my biggest fans and had always supported me in my writing — constantly asking me when my next book was being released or what writing projects I was working on.

One of the last memories with Pop was when John and I went to see him and mom at their home. By this time, Pop was weak, but he still sat at the table with us and enjoyed a delicious meal that my mother-in-law had made.

Afterwards, we were in the living room talking and he said, “I’m the Major Money.” You had to be there to get the joke, but the familiar banter between him and his wife warmed my heart. That memory will always make me smile.

My father-in-law’s passing affected me so much more than when my father died because he had so lovingly filled the role of a father to me.

He taught me how to be a good steward of our finances and how to be brave and speak up for myself. He loved me unconditionally and encouraged me to keep following my dreams.

He was there for me during my 1 year engagement and the 16 years that I have been married to his son. Pop always wanted the best for me even when normal issues arose when we planned our wedding and merged our two families.

He was a part of my life for 17 years, while my father was barely there for 14.

That’s why losing Pop left a hole in my heart.

Losing my father-in-law

When my father-in-law passed away, we only got to see him two times before he died from double pneumonia. We had to wear masks and a nurse came down to the waiting room to take us up two at a time to see him.

Only ten people were permitted to come to the funeral, and we had to wear masks that day as well. Somehow, my brother-in-law convinced the funeral director to allow five more relatives to come to the viewing service.

One special moment that gives me peace and that I will remember forever is when my husband and I got to see him one last time. My husband played Pop’s favorite hymns on the Pandora app on his phone and we sat with him, holding his hands.

Thankfully, he tested negative for COVID-19 three times. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have been able to see him in person.

The doctor had wanted us to say our goodbyes on a Zoom video call, but I’m so thankful they finally allowed us to come in.

In that moment with Pop as we were leaving and saying our final goodbyes, I leaned close to his ear since his hearing aids weren’t in and told him I was grateful he’d welcomed me into his family and I’d always considered him like my father, not simply an in-law.

I know he heard me because he squeezed my hand so tightly and I saw tears roll down his cheeks.

I’m sure each day will get better. However, I deeply feel his loss and am emotionally wiped out.

I never felt that way about losing my father. Part of me still feels bad for admitting that, but I want to share the truth and be open about how I feel.

Losing people you love affects you. It is buried inside of you and becomes this big, deep hole of ache. It doesn’t magically go away, even when you stop officially mourning. — Carrie Jones

Loss affects people in different ways and for different reasons.

Right now, our world is dealing with so much loss due to the coronavirus pandemic. My father-in-law did not die from contracting COVID-19. However, this virus stole precious time we could have spent with him while he was on lockdown in the rehab center and then the ICU.

I don’t want to end this on a low note.

I know Pop wouldn’t want that.

He would want me to embrace the fact that he is in a better place now and that I need to live my life like it’s my last day on earth. He would want me to love those in my circle of family and friends and share that same compassion with the world.

I hope we all can start to live life like it’s our last day and love like our lives depend on it — because right now that’s especially true — as we all embark on this journey in our new normal.

Joanne Troppello is an author, writer, and poet. She is the publisher of the online Christian lifestyle magazine, Mustard Seed Sentinel. Connect with Joanne on Twitter and join in cultivating positivity in your life and sharing it with others by subscribing to the Living the Sunflower Life community.