Why Journaling & Sharing My Addiction Stories With Others Finally Helped Me to Quit Alcohol

Summary

The author found solace and strength in journaling and sharing their addiction stories on the "I Am Sober" app, which played a crucial role in their journey to overcome alcohol addiction.

Abstract

The author, a stay-at-home mum, struggled with alcohol addiction and initially relied on willpower to maintain sobriety. However, in 2019, they discovered the "I Am Sober" app, which allowed them to anonymously engage with a community of individuals facing similar challenges. Despite initial reluctance to contribute, the act of journaling on the app became a pivotal tool in their sobriety journey. The author's candid writings during dark periods of relapse served as a stark reminder of the consequences of drinking and helped them resist the urge to return to alcohol. They found that sharing their experiences and reading about others' struggles provided a sense of community, understanding, and support that was instrumental in their recovery. The process of writing and sharing their stories transformed the author's understanding of their addiction and aided in their continued sobriety.

Opinions

The author initially believed they were not a "real addict" because they did not drink daily, which hindered their engagement with the sobriety community.
Journaling on the app revealed patterns in the author's drinking behavior, such as increased risk during the week before their menstrual cycle.
The author's journal entries were instrumental in maintaining sobriety, as revisiting the shame and guilt of past relapses served as a deterrent from drinking.
The author sought stories from individuals with similar backgrounds—specifically, other parents who appeared to lead functional lives while secretly battling addiction.
The author found that existing literature on addiction often did not resonate with them, as it typically featured high-achieving professionals rather than "regular" people.
Sharing personal stories on the app led to a sense of belonging and mutual support, which was crucial for the author's recovery.
The act of writing and sharing their journey helped the author to acknowledge and confront their addiction openly.

Why Journaling & Sharing My Addiction Stories With Others Finally Helped Me to Quit Alcohol

A few years ago (2019 to be precise) I knew I needed to take my sobriety battle up a notch and not rely on my willpower alone. Ha! What willpower?

I’d already proved that my willpower was mythical and I needed something much more powerful in my sober toolbox.

In the middle of 2019 I came across the “I Am Sober” app and tentatively joined anonymously. For the next 6 months I would occasionally pledge to stay sober, I would sometimes read a few stories from other struggling lost souls.

But I would keep telling myself that I wasn’t an addict as addicts drank every day, so I didn’t need to contribute to the app. No one wanted to hear what I had to say as I wasn’t a real addict.

Yep, alcohol was still convincing my tired and depressed brain that if I could do a few weeks without alcohol, all would be well.

It wasn’t though, far from it.

Things progressively got worse throughout 2019 and then 2020 came with lockdown speeding up the process. By then, I had started to journal on I Am Sober and this was the start of the end of my drinking days.

I never kept a diary when I was younger, I never really had anything of interest to say.

But wow, my drinking turned me into a novelist and on those very very dark days when I would have to reset my counter after weeks of binge drinking, I would write my finest work.

I don’t think it’s any coincidence that some of the finest writers, artists and pop stars of our times were/are alcoholics.

In 2020, after months of lockdown and daily drinking, I began to write daily on the I Am Sober app to record how my day had been.

It began as an exercise to figure out what my triggers were. If there was a cycle or reason to explain why sometimes I could handle my drink and others I’d end up fighting with my loved ones or in hospital (turns out, the week before my menstrual cycle was the danger zone, but that’s for another story!)

In time, I found that my journal was hugely influential in helping me stay off the booze.

When the cravings came back and I was extremely close to picking up a glass of wine, I would go back to a point when I last fell off the wagon spectacularly and read what I put the following day. It was a stark warning to stay away from that glass.

This is a journal entry from Boxing Day 2020 –

I still have so much shame and guilt about my behaviour and drinking at Christmas and although my extreme anxiety and suicidal thoughts have subsided, I’m sick with worry that I will fall off the wagon again and go back to square one. But I’m also anxious I will find life dull and boring without my Friday night fizz to look forward to!

My skin is bad, my hair is lacklustre and I’m in a bad mood with everyone around me. I don’t want to see anyone or be around anyone and want to lock myself away from the world whilst I deal with what’s going on inside my head. I know I’ll snap out of it but that’s the danger. This feeling will soon subside and I will forget how wretched I feel and my brain will start to convince me that next time will be ok, I’ve learnt my lesson and I’ll only have one or two. But every time it never ends up at one or two. I end up on another bender and the repercussions get increasingly worse each time. What will it take to stop? That is the real worry.

The thing is, I kept repeating this journal entry. It would be a different date with slightly different words, but it was always the same message. I knew I had to stop, I was desperate to stop drinking.

But as soon as the hangxiety and shame from another prolonged drinking session subsided, I’d be back to square one and eyeing up my next drink.

Why am I telling you this? When I was in the real depths of my addiction and trying to get sober, I would hunt for these stories. I wanted to know if there were people like me out there. I was desperate to find out if people “like me” had managed to find a way out as I started to think I couldn’t.

I wanted to read stories from people who had hit rock bottom and felt utter despair but had managed to claw their way out of addiction and were happy in their sobriety.

Sure, I had read tonnes of books by people who were recovering addicts but for some reason, their story never seemed to resonate with me.

The books were often written by high flying over-achievers. People who were Heads of Advertising agencies who flew all around the world. Or CEOs who would spend their lunch times with colleagues drinking £250 bottles of wine for shits and giggles.

I was just a stay at home mum with no stresses in life other than what to feed my kids for dinner.

I wanted to read more stories from a mum of three who, from the outside looked like she had a wonderful life, but on the inside was crying and screaming as she hid her addiction away from the world.

I wanted to read stories from people who had fallen off the wagon for the 20th time in 2 years but were not giving up.

This is why journaling, and in time, writing my stories for all to see on the I Am Sober app, were life changing when it came to my drinking. I was no longer hiding behind my belief that I wasn’t an addict. My writing was raw and the community would come together to offer advice, a shared experience or to just tell me they understood.

Slowly, that screaming inside my head was written down for people to see and finally, I could also see it for what it really was. Addiction.