Why it’s considered offensive to ask a woman her age

Challenging the idea that it’s not offensive

Apparently, some people believe it’s really inappropriate to ask a woman her age. Somehow I wasn’t aware of this until recently when my dad brought it to my attention seemingly perplexed by the idea.

He didn’t think it made any sense and to be honest, I understand why.

At first, the idea was really strange to me as well for a number of reasons. One is that I’ve never been offended or found the question rude. In fact, I’ve found a bit of fun in it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not exactly thrilled at the idea of being old one day, but I don’t see the issue of age in a negative light. That probably doesn’t mean much coming from me, a woman in her mid-twenties since this mostly applies to older women.

But even then, when I reflect on the older women around me including my mother and my grandmother have always been pretty open about their age as far I could recall. Throughout the years I’ve always known my mother’s date of birth so I could always calculate it even if I forgot her current age. She never made me feel like it was wrong to ask her age. So, it was strange to me that women were actually very offended about being asked such a basic question. Especially since age is a basic part of our identity, much like our name.

I mean there’s not much you can do to prevent others from knowing your age 100% of the time. You’ll have to disclose it at some point. It’s everywhere — on your birth certificate, your drivers' license, etc. It may as well be on your forehead. And even if that wasn’t the case, most people’s age can be estimated just by just looking at them and talking to them for a while.

The appropriacy of the question is based on relationship

The fact that age is something that has to be communicated in some official situations means that everyone who is supposed to know already knows someone should already know or will have the means to find out. If you’re not within this realm of relationship with the person, you probably don’t need to know. Whether for social or legal reasons. From everyone else, the question is intrusive.

Age does matter and marks significant social and legal milestones, so it’s normal for both women and men to be asked this question considering those circumstances. But, outside of those important circumstances, there is no other real basis for this question than judging the person and that’s what makes it intrusive.

If you’re close enough to someone to celebrate their birthday with them, more than likely you’ll know they’re age. If you aren’t that close or have a clear purpose for asking other than sheer curiosity, it’s inappropriate.

So, a more important question persons need to ask themselves is “Do I really need to ask this question?”

Enforcing boundaries

Some people may even say that the prospect of being judged by one's age is not a good reason to refuse to answer the question or to believe its inappropriate. But, if someone feels they are going to be judged and feels uncomfortable with you asking the question for which you don’t absolutely need the answer, they absolutely have the right to not answer you. It’s called having boundaries.

While I think it’s okay to disagree with women not wanting to share that piece of information, there is no reason to erode someone else’s boundaries just because you’re curious.

Also, in questioning this belief, we turn a blind eye to known standards that women are judged by and how it affects them.

How society connects a woman’s value to her age

Women are judged, especially by men, based on their beauty, and it's generally perceived that that with age comes diminishing beauty, fertility, and desirability which can evoke feelings of insecurity.

This is why women are always trying their best to appear as young as they possibly can in order to feel beautiful and desirable. And why there are so many anti-aging remedies in the beauty industry.

So most of the time when she hears this question, especially from a man, she is hearing the question with that in mind.

Furthermore, since this insecurity is tied to ideas of diminishing beauty, it’s not surprising that discussions get heated when men, in particular, ask this question. And it’s also not surprising that men are the ones that get the most backlash when it comes to asking this question, especially in the context of dating. In response to the backlash, men have either accepted it or have actively dismissed it. Some of the most popular reasons I’ve heard of, for men dismissing this belief are:

Needing to get as much information about the woman they’re dating, in the process of getting to know her.

Gauging whether or not she’s fertile in case he wants to start a family.

And of course, curiosity.

But, getting to know a person based on their values and character is a more regarding approach than questioning them about a physical characteristic.

Also, if you are having doubts about a woman’s fertility, chances are you’re already assuming she’s old, so is there really a need to know the exact figure right away?

Not to mention, age isn’t always an accurate measure of fertility anyway.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to look out your own interest, it’s perfectly normal and expected but, looking out for SOLEY your own interest and benefit, is. The previous considerations I listed above, screams self-interest.

Also, defending these stances at all costs demonstrates a lack of empathy that may stem from willful ignorance or just plain ignorance. Ignorance of the fact that men themselves are not exempt from being judged by society and they can relate to women’s plight more than they might think.

Men and women being judged by different standards

Men don’t necessarily relate to the judgements that women face from society because they are judged by different standards.

For example, while women’s value seems to diminish with age, it is the exact opposite for men — they’re value increases and they’re seen as ‘distinguished’. So, they simply cannot relate or so they believe.

But, that doesn’t mean that they are not exempt from being judged by society standards either.

If you bring up the topic of how much a man earns, it will likely be quite awkward as well, because this is what men are judged by. Most men would see this as intrusive and decline to answer or just flat out, lie.

And guess what? It’s okay for a man not to disclose that. Who’s supposed to know, already knows. Also, upon meeting a man, you can make an educated guess based on observing his occupation. Just like, you can make an educated guess about someone's age. So, again there is no real basis to know the exact figure out of pure curiosity or any other reason.

While it’s necessary for women to be more secure about their age, this situation definitely calls for some sensitivity towards women.

Also, I’m willing to understand that I am not in a position to judge because that isn’t an issue I am facing. Maybe, if I was facing it, I would have a different outlook. So, I would encourage women to be patient with themselves and uphold their boundaries. I encourage others to extend the same courtesy within reason.

Lastly, as a woman, freeing yourself from how the world determines your value is very liberating. We should embrace all stages of life we are in and find the beauty in it.