Why It’s Absolutely Okay to Not Be Okay

It’s high time we renormalized something that we have wrongly abnormalized

My last breakup was painful, well calling it painful would be a gross understatement. It tore my heart and flung me into a state of hopeless sadness.

Life lost all its color and seemed drab, meaningless, and dark.

The present held no charm. It was the past that did. All-day, I would try hard to keep myself occupied with something, to keep the onslaught of thoughts at bay.

“The present held no charm. It was the past that did.”

If I were idle for even a short while, the thought of the past would cause a stab of pain in my heart, then nostalgia, then a rude awakening to the present, and then a fresh wave of melancholy.

“There is no greater sorrow than to recall a happy time when miserable.” — Dante

I also stopped using social media as pictures of smiling couples looking happy and perfect made me feel even worse.

The funny thing about depression is how wrongly it is portrayed — as looking sad, clutching your head in your hands, rolling into a fetal position, and dwelling in darkness while in reality, it is invisible.

“It was only during moments of solitude that it would become visible — a shroud of melancholy and disappointment.”

Yes, not a single soul suspected that I was depressed. I laughed, ate well, worked out, slept well, and did everything the same way as I would normally do.

It was only during moments of solitude that it would become visible, a shroud of melancholy and disappointment. There were times when I wondered, “I always thought I was mentally strong, so why am I feeling like this?”

I felt ashamed to talk about it with others, being mentally ill is abnormal and something to be ashamed of, right?

“In an age and day where abnormal things like racism, sexual abuse, etc. are being normalized, we have abnormalized something normal.”

Looking back, I realize just how wrong I was, we all were. It was completely okay to not be okay.

Society, the internet, and mainstream media brainwash us into thinking otherwise. In an age and day where abnormal things like racism, sexual abuse, etc. are being normalized, we have abnormalized something normal.

The Web of Lies

The advent of the internet has completely and irrevocably changed our lives. Connecting with someone on the other side of the globe is just a friend request or an email away.

Heck! Information about just anything is just a google search away — from the extremely basic such as “How to turn on a computer?” to the extremely complicated such as “How to build a computer?”.

The funny thing is that communication has never been easier but it’s exactly since the advent of the internet that there has been a spike in global loneliness and depression.

“The internet is so big, so powerful, and so pointless that for some people, it is a complete substitute for life. “— Andrew Brown

A cesspool of porn

The internet is a huge cesspool of porn, no not the traditional kind. That kind is much better than the other kinds — success, motivation, and happiness porn.

It’s inundated with outrageous successes, forever happy couples, picture-perfect models, unreal rags to riches stories, etc.

It’s only natural to feel inadequate right? But none of it is real.

“The seemingly forever happy couples are just like any other couple, with their fights, squabbles, and moments of ugliness.”

For every outrageous success story displayed, there are hundreds of mediocre successes and thousands of failures that go unnoticed. The seemingly forever happy couples are just like any other couple, with their fights, squabbles, and moments of ugliness.

That picture-perfect model’s pictures are shot using the ideal lighting, angles, and setting and posted only after extensive editing and a generous amount of photoshop.

Validation Is the Name of The Game

It’s validation that everyone seeks. Even I am guilty of it. Back when I wanted to be a fitness “influencer”, posting an ab picture was quite an elaborate undertaking.

• Being on an empty stomach, getting an ab pump, pulling back my tummy skin, finding the best angle and lighting, and taking tens and sometimes even hundreds of pictures.
• Sifting through these to find the best one.
• Tweaking the photo’s brightness, contrast, sharpness, shadows, etc. to make the abs look deeper and more prominent.

As the likes and comments rolled in, I would feel happy and more confident about my physique. But this begs the question,

If I was so confident about my physique, why couldn’t I post raw unedited randomly taken pictures?

It was simple. Because others didn’t.

It’s become a vicious cycle of sorts — go on the internet, feel inadequate, project an exaggerated version of your best self, make others feel inadequate which makes them do the same.

“When you depend on people to build you up, they’ll have the same power to break you down. You don’t need their validation to know your worth.” — Anonymous.

Nothing is real on the internet. It’s not a web of computers but rather a web of lies.

Nobody Is Always Okay

When Black Panther actor Chadwick Boseman died of cancer recently, it shocked everyone. Chadwick was the textbook definition of a cheery perma-smiling celebrity.

A lot goes on under the hood

When he was diagnosed with cancer in 2016, he decided to fight it in secret and announce it to the world only after he recovered from it.

“Chadwick was the textbook definition of a cheery perma-smiling celebrity.”

It’s sad that that didn’t come to pass but this news made me think just how deceptive outward appearances can be.

All the while, when he was smiling for photos, filming Black Panther, laughing during his interviews, all the damn while, he was suffering underneath.

As I said earlier, even in my case, not a single soul suspected that there was anything wrong with me. The happiest person you know on the outside could actually be suffering from severe depression on the inside.

“The happiest person you know on the outside could actually be suffering from severe depression on the inside.”

A Negative Feedback Loop

The internet has so brainwashed us into thinking that there’s something inherently wrong with being not okay that we feel ashamed and start despising ourselves.

The problem with this is that it becomes a negative feedback loop — be not okay, despise yourself, become more not okay, and so on.

“It’s normal, as normal as eating food or sleeping every night.”

This self-sustaining cycle of negative feelings can quickly eat you up from the inside if you feed into it.

You can choose not to. The first step is understanding that there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s completely okay to not be okay. It’s normal, as normal as eating food or sleeping every night.

The Sound of Suffering

As I am writing this, there’s the sound of drums being beat, flutes being played, and voices of cheerful singing. Probably a marriage procession. I stay in India and in my country, marriages are grand events — you must have heard the phrase, “A big fat Indian wedding”.

Anyway, that’s beside the point. The point I just realized was that we celebrate things like marriages, birthdays, festivals, and other “happy” events with pomp and volume while we suffer in silence.

Why Does It Have to Be Silence?

We feel this strong urge to “celebrate”, to talk to people, to broadcast to the entire world when we feel happy while we roll up into a ball and try to hide from the same world when we are suffering.

“It’s when you are down that you need a helping hand to pull you out the most.”

The funny thing is that it’s when we are suffering that we need people much more than when we are happy. It’s when you are down that you need a helping hand to pull you out the most.

We Need to Unmute Suffering

When I was depressed, I needed people but I was ashamed to seek help. Most of us are, thanks to the amazing internet and society in general. I recovered pretty quick but most don’t and some even take their own lives.

“It’s even worse for men, given that our definition of “manly” includes remaining unfazed by your emotions.”

It’s even worse for men, given that the definition of “manly” includes remaining unfazed by your emotions — no wonder that a statistical analysis found that the male suicide rate was 3.7 times higher than the female suicide rate.

We tend to brush it away as a sign of weakness or something not serious. But it is serious and has nothing to do with mental strength.

We need to unmute suffering, “renormalize” something that we have wrongly abnormalized. When the sound of happiness is so loud, the sound of suffering shouldn’t be dead silent.

“It’s when we are suffering that we need people much more than when we are happy.”

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