Summary

Being a pirate was not as glamorous as depicted in popular media, as they often faced harsh living conditions, forced recruitment, and brutal combat.

Abstract

The article discusses the harsh realities of life as a pirate, debunking the romanticized image portrayed in popular culture. Pirates were often forced into joining crews, with little choice but to comply or face death. The living conditions were far from luxurious, with poor food quality, overcrowded ships, and a high risk of disease. Pirates were known for their heavy drinking and raucous behavior, but their diet was largely unappetizing, consisting mainly of hardtack infested with weevils. The article also mentions the prevalence of homosexual relationships among pirates, which were often used to reduce tensions and increase bonds between men. Combat was brutal and bloody, with pirates having little actual sword fighting skill. The most terrorizing pirate was Edward Low, known for his extreme acts of violence.

Opinions

Pirate life was not as glamorous as depicted in popular media.
Pirates were often forced into joining crews, with little choice but to comply or face death.
Living conditions for pirates were harsh, with poor food quality, overcrowded ships, and a high risk of disease.
Pirates were known for their heavy drinking and raucous behavior, but their diet was largely unappetizing.
Homosexual relationships were prevalent among pirates and were often used to reduce tensions and increase bonds between men.
Combat was brutal and bloody, with pirates having little actual sword fighting skill.
The most terrorizing pirate was Edward Low, known for his extreme acts of violence.

Why it Sucked to Be a Pirate

Being a homeless man but at sea

Growing up some of my favorite books were about pirates. ‘Captain Blood’, ‘Sea Hawk’, ‘Treasure island’, ‘Master and Commander,’ ‘Two Years Before the Mast’, you name it! I loved them all. And like many kids, I wanted to be a pirate when I grew up.

“HOIST THE COLOURS!”

“HEAVE HO!”

“A PIRATES LIFE FOR ME ♪”

Now as an adult I realize that being a pirate would have sucked. Pirates were basically homeless men but at sea.

Pirate food tasted like sand, ships were overcrowded and smelled like a barn, and crewmates were often infested with lice and fleas.

Here’s why it sucked to be a pirate.

Nobody Joined Pirate Crews. You Were Forced Into it

Imagine that you’re minding your own business, sailing the seven seas. You have a hot wife who still has all her teeth and two kids who don’t have scurvy.

You’re doing fine, living the dream, when suddenly out of nowhere a band of dirty barbarian pirates appear on the horizon.

Your ship is quickly overtaken and you’re given two choices: join the pirates or walk the plank into shark-infested waters.

“YE SCURVY DOG, YER OFF THAR PLANK HAND OVER YE SPYGLASS AND YE TREASURE MAP AFOR I SEND YE TA DAVY JONES ARR ARR ARR ARR ARRR.”

This was common practice in the world of pirates. Ships would capture merchant vessels and take the most skilled crew such as carpenters or coopers (i.e. people who could fashion wood into barrels and other containers) and force them to join.

At least the upside to being a pirate was they existed outside the hierarchy of normal life.

You could become very rich as a pirate and have freedoms that you could never enjoy as a civilian, but the price you paid was a life of misery, toil and disease. Plus if you ever got captured the government would execute you and your entire crew in the most brutal way possible.

A Pirate’s Diet is Diarrhea with Blood

“Hardtack,” basically a big dry cracker, was common food for both sailors and pirates alike. If the name hardtack sounds off-putting don’t worry, it had other names such as “dog biscuits”, “sheet iron”, “worm castles”, or “molar breakers”.

Hardtack was about as appetizing as eating a piece of cardboard.

In addition to being dry and bland, it was also infested with weevils. These little buggers are actually beetles that lay their eggs in grains.

The weevil larva would hatch inside the hardtack and then eat their way out, leaving behind small holes. Usually, the pirates would brush off the weevils and eat the hardtack anyway. It was especially common to eat Hardtack in the dark so you didn’t have to see the weevil larva all over it.

Hardtack recipe I found online https://www.twinkl.co.in/resource/t-t-5360-pirate-themed-hardtack-recipe-sheets

There were only two upsides to pirate cuisine: turtles and booze.

Turtles were a common food source for pirates because they were relatively easy to catch. They could also be roasted, stewed, or made into soup. Plus they came with a built-in cooking bowl!

As for booze, most pirate ships were known for their heavy drinking and raucous behavior. One popular drink among crews was “grog” which is a mix of rum, water, and lime juice.

Grog was originally introduced as a way to prevent scurvy (a disease caused by a lack of vitamin C) but it quickly became a favorite among pirates.

Some pirate captains, such as Blackbeard, encouraged drinking for morale purposes. Other pirate captains, such as Edward Low banned all drinking to keep things tightly ordered.

Pirates Were Gay

Pirates were gay and sucked each other’s dicks very often. When you have a ship full of sweaty men all expecting to die fairly young, you might as well.

And it wasn’t all just crazy debauched peg-legged missing teeth sex — although I’m sure some of that happened — a lot of the intercourse was used to reduce tensions and increase the bond between men.

There were even marriage contracts between men on some ships. Buccaneer Alexander Exquemelin wrote: ‘It is the general and solemn custom amongst them all to seek out… a comrade or companion, whom we may call partner… with whom they join the whole stock of what they possess.’

Your partner was called a ‘matelot’, and if they died you’d get a share of their property or some of their booty (no pun intended).

It was rather progressive for a bunch of insane savages.

Combat

In the Pirates of the Caribbean movies combat between pirate crews are portrayed as ostentatious and flamboyant. The truth is it was much more brutal and bloody.

Pirates didn’t have much actual sword fighting skill so they would just hack away at each other until somebody died.

Especially when trying to scare merchant ships, pirates would cut off limbs, ears, and noses to send a message.

They were also known for using “Greek fire” which was basically a medieval flamethrower. It was a mixture of naphtha, quicklime, and sulfur that would stick to whatever it touched and then burst into flames.

The most terrorizing pirate was a guy named 18th-century pirate named Edward Low.

One notorious story involved Low cutting off the lips of an enemy captain and roasting them in front of his eyes. Then, Low killed the captain’s entire crew of 32 people.

Final Thoughts

Pirate life seems a lot more fun in ‘Treasure Island’ or ‘One Piece’ than it actually was. In reality, it’s a life of toil, disease, and violence.

Was it better than the soul-sucking life of a 9 to 5 job?

Probably. Some pirates even had civil unions and health insurance plans, so there’s that.

But at the end of the day, it was still a life that most people wouldn’t want to lead. Arrrgh!

Join 2000+ people on my Substack for a limited copy of my new eBook “Gold2.0.”