Relationships

Why It Can Be So Hard To Get Over That One Person

Four reasons I struggled getting over my crush

Yesterday I saw her again. The girl I had a crush on for over a year.

We romanticize the idea of being attracted to someone. Nevertheless, my infatuation didn’t end well. I couldn’t get over her. She was the only one for me — and the one I could never have.

I knew she would leave the city soon. Simply moving on was the only option left. But did I succeed in doing so? Absolutely not. I struggled so much to get over her.

You surely know this feeling. Every one of us already had a crush and struggled with getting over this person. But why is this the case?

Here are the reasons that make it so hard.

1. We project all our wishes onto this person

You might know what you expect from a love relationship. These expectations differ. This is what often causes conflict in a relationship.

He prefers to watch Netflix on the couch. She prefers to go out to eat. Preferences are different.

Most adults can deal with such a conflict of interests — someone has to put his needs behind. But if you’re not in a relationship with the person, it’s a different story. What’s stopping you from imagining living out your needs?

We tend to daydream about how beautiful everything could be. We tend to neglect reality. The person we find so great becomes a projection surface. In the end, an ideal relationship that can’t be replaced is created in your head.

2. You never had the chance to show your adoration

An unlived love feels like the regrets of a person on his deathbed.

We dream about romantic dates, vacations, and cuddles — and are the creators and main characters of this story in our heads. We dream about receiving, but also giving love — a lot of love. The longer you are in a phase of having a crush, the more romantic ideas you collect. And in the end, the bigger the pain of not realizing your plans.

3. We romanticize hope and the distance

Reality is harsh and sad. In reality, love fails because of many things. Even a long-distance relationship can lead to a breakup for many — in a fairy tale, this would not be the slightest challenge. Well, unfortunately, the reality is not a fairy tale. And yet, we think as if we were writing our own wonderful story.

Our idea of love is filled with exaggerated, romanticized ideals. Some believe they want to be fought over, and others think they have found their soul mate.

The objects of reality fit into a beautiful story that we write ourselves. Distance? Rejection? Unattainability? Confusion of opinion? All this only serves to build up tension before the happy ending is sure to come — at least in our minds.

For a hopeless romanticist, it is tough to move on.

My love for this girl failed because she will move away. Far away. Together we talked and laughed about the fact that she will be back one day, and then she might be the one wanting to try a relationship. Even though it was funny and kind of nice, it had after-effects.

It was a little bit of hope, where there was none before. Where I should have moved on long ago, I stopped waiting. It was an attempt to create a fairy tale in the midst of hard and sad reality. We romanticize even the biggest, insurmountable obstacles. And in the end, we fail.

4. There was never the conflict that was needed

Having a crush on someone means one thing: Viewing the person we adore as somebody special. Yet, having a crush on someone doesn’t mean we figured out the person fully.

What we often refer to as “real love” contains understanding, trust, and taking responsibility for the person. While having a crush on someone, this often isn’t the case. In contrast to “love,” having a crush is often driven by superficial attraction — mostly, a sexual one, or one through over-idealization.

I overrated the girl I had a crush on. This is a normal part of this naive phase.

But when the person can never be reached, this phase doesn’t end. While having a relationship with your desired person might lead to conflict, sooner or later, your naive phase of having a crush doesn’t include this. When desiring this person, you won’t be confronted with the ugly side.

The way out, I found

When she was gone, I felt left behind. Realizing this is the end took me a while. Even though I still was stuck with my feelings, it was the first step to better things. At the same time, I got to know a lot of other girls. It felt like a blessing to me — of course, this distracts you from the person you desire.

So, distraction is only temporary and won’t lead to you getting rid of your desire. Something else is needed. For me, it was changing my mind about the desire I had for her. Getting to know other girls I found attractive showed me one thing: There are other girls I could have a crush on. Some even amazed me that much that I questioned whether my desire for her was ever justified.

Broadening my horizon made me skeptical of what I used to believe. And broadening my horizon showed me the range of opportunities and chances—no need to be stuck with feelings for one person.

Thank you for reading.