Why Is It so Hard to Start Meaningful Conversations?
Most of our new interactions seem to follow a script, especially on Tinder
If you have ever been on Tinder, chances are that at the same time that you hope to get to meet someone interesting you also dread starting the same conversation over and over again. How are you, where are you from, what do you do for a living. Even worse is that when the conversation starts with nothing but an emoji. What am I supposed to do with that?
Conversation starters are often generic and unengaging. A funny remark or an unexpected question often get better answers, as they take us out of an autopilot script and increase our interest right away.
Can I tell you about my mom?
Thinking about all these scripts we have for new interactions, I started thinking about artists, politics, and scientists who are often interviewed and asked the same questions over and over again. Yes, some of them publicly state how they dislike interviews, but others seem to naturally keep the spark in their eyes. Which takes me to my mom.
My mom is an embryologist and has researched shrimps for the past 45 years. Which means a big part of her time is spent talking about shrimps. Every time she talks about these creatures, her eyes glow like there is nothing more fascinating in this world than shrimps. She is an authority in the field (yes, there is such a thing as authorities in shrimp reproduction).
Yet, it does not matter if she is talking to a fellow researcher about the latest research or to a high school student about the most basic aspect of embryology. In both situations, the same excitement appears on her face. How does she do it?
I am so not like my mom…
I recently caught myself failing in keeping up my excitement. A while ago, I saw something weird. Long story short, I was showering at the gym and the woman who was showering in front of me started eating a clementine in the shower while she was waiting for her shampoo to do its magic.
The scene, her hair covered in foam as she stood there naked with rounded shoulders eating a clementine, was peculiar. I told the story to a few people, all of which cracked laughing, but after telling it to about four people I was done.
Telling it once again wouldn’t be much fun for me. How on Earth do fishermen do it? How can they tell the same adventure over and over again, with joy? As if every time they tell it, they are taken back to that moment in life.
Where does that kind of passion come from and how can my excitement vanish so easily? This presence, this ability to live through similar things as if every time was the very first time.
If you are there, then be there. If you don’t want to be there, then don’t.
Life stales when we are on autopilot, living with scripts, routines, full of preconceptions. When we are not involved with what we are living and not fully engaged with the people we are talking with. In autopilot, it is as if we were watching our lives from a distance, living through our minds — and our minds are clearly somewhere else.
Life is rich when we are fully present in the situation we are living without the desire to be somewhere else. Immersed wherever we are, with curiosity, detached from what has already been or what is to come.
I have to say I’ve had fabulous conversations on Tinder and met amazing people there. Yes, I have had boring ones too, but then again, I am not always 100% present and so is not the other person… just like in offline life.
We often unconsciously let our minds run the show with fears of sounding ridiculous and being rejected. In this way, we prevent the wholeness of our being from taking the lead.
We provide short ready-made answers and try too hard to be funny, instead of opening up and elaborating on our answers, sharing relevant bits and pieces of us that are eager to be shared.
We barely listen to the answers we receive and don’t pick between the lines or build on them. We either don’t want to be there or we care too much about impressing. Conversations are boring, superficial, unexciting because we don’t surrender to just being our authentic ourselves.
Starting from scratch
Just as every day is a new day, every interaction is a new interaction, a fresh new possibility to do things differently, better or simply with more awareness. A brand new chance to be more present, and to improve how to tell stories, how to engage with people around us, how to capture their signals.
Every blink of an eye, a reminder to reset our preconceptions. To not allow the past to limit the present and the future. To start fresh, and not drag the past. To allow for a clear, empty mind. That’s my mother’s mind.
Chances are we are going to say “good morning” every morning of our lives. A mind open to reset, to be there, to learn and to play is a big fat asset. Aware that even if it all looks the same as the previous day, as the previous interaction, nothing is actually the same- unless we make it so in our heads.
But we have to be fully present to decide how we are going to do it this time around. Hopefully more present, more open, and more authentic. Without caring so much to impress or be funny, and yet caring about the interaction, not downplaying everything.
I know, easier said than done, but practice makes it perfect. That’s where Tinder can help, as we get to practice from our couch with people that we don’t even know. It’s the perfect arena to fail fast and learn fast. Can we read a person’s description, check their pictures, and bring something more personal than “hi” or an emoji?
On Tinder or anywhere else, can we come up with a few things that we would be eager to talk about with a close friend, and then go and talk about them with someone we just met instead?
Let’s do a game and challenge ourselves to talk to people without ever asking them what they do for a living, where they are from, where they live and what they had for lunch.
When someone asks us how we are, let’s answer with at least ten words. When you see someone you want to talk with, go and talk with them right away, even if you don’t know what you want to talk about. Just open your mouth and get ready to surprise and be surprised.
Hi, I am Aline Ra M, spiritual guide, energy worker, and tea lover.