Why is Female Orgasm Harder to Reach With a Man Involved?

I asked 20+ women around me, and these were the astonishing answers.

According to science, only around 18%-50% of women can orgasm through penetration only. And the pleasure gap is still enormous.

While most women in my bubble agree with the secret sauce to pleasure — stimulate the clit — there’s a lot more diversity around than I initially thought.

I asked 20+ women about what they think is the reason why female orgasm is harder to reach when a man is involved, and these are the answers I got. Including potential solutions to experience more pleasure.

Destigmatize the orgasm conversation

“I never talk about these intimate topics with friends, y’know”

Yet the women who said this were also aware the topic needs to be destigmatized. We need to talk to each other to overcome shame and discomfort.

As female sexuality has been taboo for a long time, it’s understandable that breaking the ice is challenging. If we could invite humor to the topic, like the way boys talk about jerking off, it’d be easier to address it.

Maybe then we could share best practices, encourage each other to explore our own bodies before anyone touches them, and get a glimpse into the diversity of pleasure and intimacy.

The pressure to cum

“…there is a lot of pressure on women to have an orgasm since many men measure their success on that.”

If we don’t worry about ‘taking too long,’ it’s so much more intuitive to turn off, stay in the moment and enjoy. But the second we feel the pressure to cum, the sparkle disappears.

And oh boy, some men are trying so desperately to make us orgasm that it’s easier to fake it than to explain ourselves.

I also learned that to the question, ‘did you cum yet,’ the only acceptable answer is ‘yes, to the wrong apartment.’

Sex is all about him

“We’re too focused on what the other person needs, and we got used to the idea that sex is mainly about satisfying him.”

Way too many women said they habitually put his pleasure above theirs. It’s not that sex isn’t good for them. But his orgasm is always “a must to have,” while her’s is only a plus. If it happens is great, if it doesn’t, there’s nothing wrong.

And while it’s okay to not cum all the time, having the mindset that his pleasure and his comfort stand above ours is not good for anyone involved. It deprives women of so much pleasure, and it reinforces the idea that her orgasm isn’t that important.

Maybe it’s time to claim our pleasure, even if that comes with a few uncomfortable conversations?

Women experience a more diverse yet also less intuitive pleasure

“It seems to me that whatever we do intuitively feels good for men, but for us, there are just so many other things to be right. And then sex feels good.”

Ranging from room temperature through the angle and pressure of the touch to a feeling of safety, we need some variables to be right, and then we can relax and maybe enjoy.

That’s usually not the case with men, according to the experience of my friends and me. When we ask men what could be done better or differently, the answer is ‘nothing.’ They’re satisfied with whatever they get from us.

But even though female pleasure seems to be more diverse and thus also more complex, it’s ain’t rocket science.

It’s something we can learn if we pay deep attention to our partners, communicate and look up a few best practices on female-friendly sex education websites.

We got used to not orgasming

Some friends shared they had already gotten used to not orgasming during partnered sex which is a vicious circle. If you show your partner sex is fine without a female orgasm, it can become a habit, and you might both stop thriving towards mutual satisfaction.

Indeed. According to a recent study, once women start believing they’re not going to orgasm, they’ll have fewer of them.

Once in this situation, it’s challenging to extricate ourselves. It could require a deep conversation with our partner, a realization that sex can be way better, a strong mindset shift, and a conscious desire to change.

The fault in our sexed

“Sex education is way too penetration and reproduction focused. We learned how to put on a condom, but they never told us sex should be pleasurable.”

Ah, the good old sex education blaming. I love it.

Teenagers deserve sex education that doesn’t make them feel guilty about their very human desire. While adults should help teenagers prepare for the dangers of sexuality, it’s also their task to share the whole picture: love-making is fulfilling and pleasurable, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

I also wish someone had told me that being bisexual wasn’t a sickness.

Act the way you saw it in mainstream porn

“We learned what we’re supposed to do in the bedroom from mainstream porn.”

The unrealistic depiction of sex in mainstream porn also makes it harder to orgasm. We believe we have to act and be a certain way otherwise, we’re not attractive to men.

And boy, so many women I asked were aware of this and yet also affected by it.

Having internalized expectations of what sex should look like distracts us from finding out what we really like. It also goes together with a feeling of shame. Because if our pleasure doesn’t look like what we saw in mainstream porn, we must be the problem, right? And we adjust instead of speaking up about our dirty and disgusting desires.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

There’s a lot of safe guidance for self-exploration where nothing is judged and where women can experience the opposite of shame: empathy.

Seeking out female-friendly content, let it be audioporn, sex-ed articles, or interviews with other women, could be the first step to overcoming our internalized shame and creating more space for pleasure.

Resources that could help are, for example, OMGYes, Cheex, or other websites that show exactly how our pleasure can be enhanced (no affiliate links.)

When they forget about foreplay

“Women need more time, and dudes like to skip foreplay.”

The penis isn’t the main actor of the show for most women. We fall for stroking, touching, massaging, and a lot of diverse stimulation on different parts of our bodies.

And compared to men, we take more time to orgasm.

We can’t get out of our head

“We can easily be distracted, think about other things, and can’t concentrate on our pleasure.”

We multitask, remain conscious, and can’t let go of the day. It’s indeed harder to experience pleasure when in the back of your mind, you think about stuff you still need to get done.

Some suggest evolution might play a role here. I know this is a dangerous argument to pick today, but women are generally weaker compared to men. Our best way to protect ourselves was always to run away. Thus, it might just generally be harder to turn off. Women were also usually the caregivers throughout human history, so multitasking is kinda a must for us. And with so much going on, no wonder it’s harder for women to enjoy.

But is this because we’re wired to be multitaskers, or is it rather — as another friend suggested — because women today still do the majority of household chores, care work, and emotional labor?

To experience more pleasure, we could think of sex as a sort of meditation. It won’t always work, our thoughts will drag us back to reality over and over again. But every time we spot we’re shifting away from pleasure, we can shift our attention away from our thoughts and onto our bodies. We can try to observe the sensations consciously — similarly to meditation, where people focus their attention back on their breaths every time their thoughts shift away.

And we could also share the household chores with our partners equally if that’s not the case yet.

Being an only child makes orgasming easier

“I think as an only child, I just generally am fairly at ease directly saying what I want.”

This was a big aha moment for me as I’m also an only child. I have always been told only children are selfish, but it turns out our self-centeredness can be quite an advantage.

We need to feel safe first

“Men sometimes have that animalistic look in their eyes, which almost feels like “the point of no return,” and that’s scary sometimes. It’s also demeaning and makes you feel like you’re just a piece of meat…”

Some women told me they feel threatened when they see the animalistic desire in men’s eyes. While it feels good to be desired, there’s a point where it almost feels as if there’s no way back, and we have to have sex.

It makes sense, though, because as much as some women hate acknowledging it, we’re the physically weaker gender. And if the dude in our bedroom has bad intentions, well, he can literally do with our bodies whatever he desires.

The personality with whom we go to bed with does matter a lot. I hate linking back to this article, but these are the five things every woman needs to know about her potential rapist.

So give your body all the time it needs to get used to the person you have sex with. Feeling unsafe is our natural coping mechanism.

Listen to your body.

Clit is the queen

“I think our clits just don’t get the attention they deserve.”

When I first had sex, I already knew how to bring myself to orgasm, and I anticipated penetration sex to be unearthly pleasurable.

Well, it wasn’t bad.

But it didn’t give me nearly as much pleasure as I could give myself, and I was miles away from orgasming. I felt there might be something wrong with me. But the thing is, most women need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm.

So in some cases, the solution to experience more pleasure is as easy as this: Stimulate the clit, and she’ll cum.

Clit isn’t always the queen

“I prefer penetration sex because it’s easier to cum that way” is a sentence I thought I would never hear.

It turns out I was wrong.

Two women told me they don’t enjoy clitoral stimulation during partnered sex that much, and they prefer penetration. They both don’t have any issues orgasming through penetration only.

I found this so interesting that I dug deeper. And apparently, there is a study.

Researchers examined whether the size and location of the clitoris influence orgasms during penetrative sex. They recruited ten women who couldn’t cum through PIV and 20 who easily reached the big O. The researchers then checked the anatomy of women’s clitoris with the help of an MRI scanner. They found that women who couldn’t orgasm had their clitoris further away from their vagina.

But to reach orgasm during penetration sex, two friends confirmed, you need to feel extremely relaxed. Both your muscles and your mind need to be at ease.

I also learned for some women, it’s harder to cum in active positions compared to passive ones.

Communication is also the queen

This is one of the hardest things to do if you are already in the loop of telling your partner that you enjoy what’s happening when in reality, you’re just going with the flow, enjoying the process but not getting unearthly orgasms.

Yet, communication is unnegotiable.

To take sex to the next level, initiate the orgasm conversation. Some prompts that could help:

• What if we learn more about female pleasure? I enjoy what we do in the bedroom, but I would like to learn more about my body with you to experience even more pleasure together.
• I’d love to try out X,Y,Z with you. What if we google a bit about it?
• How about you go down on me and try different things? I’ll tell you what’s good, what’s better, and what’s best.”

You don’t ever have to speak up during sex if that feels weird to you. Non-verbal communication can tell more than thousands of words. Show what you want with your gestures, moaning, and movements.

And remember, it’s time to prioritize our pleasure.

Climax

What I learned from writing this article is summarised in the quote:

“Diversity: the art of thinking independently together.” — Malcolm Forbes

We can always learn about our bodies and read about any topic alone. There’s almost an infinite amount of information available on the internet, so it’s easy to go this way.

But going alone also means not speaking up and not involving others. And the most beautiful journeys are shared.

Thank you to everyone who contributed to writing this article and also made it reading up until here. You’re awesome. ❤

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