Why I’m Trying to Be a Better Listener

Spoiler alert: it’s highly underrated

We all know that talking is easy.

From the moment we are born, our parents are eager for that first word to come out of our little mouths. We are taught how to talk, and then proceed to learn how to make our voices heard in the world.

As the years pass, there is encouragement from family, friends, and teachers, along with thousands of courses available online on how to work on public speaking or communication skills in general.

Strong communication is seen as an important trait of an individual — which makes perfect sense given the fact that we are, by nature, extremely social animals (many linguists believe that the ability to communicate through a language dates back to around 50.000 years ago).

But what about listening?

In our childhood, our parents taught us we should respect and listen to the adults in our lives. In school, this was reinforced, along with the value of listening to the other kids.

Deep down, we know we should be doing this in our adult lives as well. But growing up, many of us stop — in fact, it seems that only around 10 percent of us effectively listen.

I don’t mean listening just to prepare a good answer in order to “win a discussion” or impress someone — I am talking about truly listening.

To be completely focused on someone while selflessly hearing the words coming out of their mouth; no other thoughts, no second intentions.

Sounds easy enough, right?

Well, yes, but also no.

We all have some special people in our lives — perhaps a lover, family members, and friends. It is fairly easy to listen to these people because we love and genuinely care about them.

But what about people we don’t know, or maybe are slightly biased about? Say, people with a different political orientation or values?

It’s easy enough to avoid the latter, especially online.

It is now widely known that social media apps are designed to hook us in for as long as possible. One of the paths to achieve this is constantly showing us related content, creating the “echo chamber” effect.

This reinforces our personal views, which satisfies our brain, but provides us with a distorted view of reality.

Being constantly reinforced with our own views of the world can even be dangerous. For example, researchers concluded that there are more opportunities for radicalization in this context, and the process is accelerated.

It seems that humans, in general, are getting more and more intolerant towards opposite opinions. And from my experience, this reflects both online and in face-to-face interactions.

Many of us appear to be more interested in having the perfect arguments for “winning a discussion” or to have the “right” opinion, instead of listening to what others actually have to say. Even if we achieve that outcome, what value does 5 minutes of egotistical satisfaction truly hold?

I believe there is much more value in listening to others, both for them and ourselves.

Here are the benefits I am experiencing while practicing it:

We can challenge our views of the world

Actively listening to what others have to say (even when we strongly disagree with some opinions) can be an excellent way to know them on a deeper level and broaden our views or even change them completely.

Even if we continue to disagree, we will probably at least understand where they’re coming from. They will also appreciate the fact that we are taking the time to understand them.

We shouldn’t be afraid to be confronted with opposite opinions, since we will probably learn more than we think.

We don’t know it all (no one does)

Even if we sometimes may feel like we do, we don’t know everything. And we never will.

Life is messy and complex, and there are many grey areas. Different circumstances and experiences in life breed different opinions and views of the world.

And these are subjective — we can’t be simply right or wrong in the way we perceive the world. But we can learn from each other.

We become more humble

Briefly consider the fact that your view on life is only one out of about seven billion views on life, all molded by their experience.

It’s not all about us individually. We are part of something larger and have much more in common than we think.

Mindful listening allows us to put ourselves in other people's shoes and become more humble and compassionate.

It makes other people happy

Sometimes, humans just need to feel listened to and understood. If we can make someone else happy by listening to them, why wouldn’t we?

Besides, researchers have found that being kind towards others increases your happiness as well.

To sum up, it’s often not that easy to actively listen to another person, especially when they have a different opinion. It requires us to be more selfless, intentional, and focused on the present moment.

However, listening is extremely underrated. It can bring many benefits to our lives, such as becoming more open-minded, challenging our own ideas, becoming more humble, and just better humans.

I leave you with a challenge: The next time you are discussing a subject that is dear to you with a person who doesn’t think like you, don’t give up on the conversation quickly.

Instead, try to listen to the other person with the least judgment possible, and really digest what the person says before you speak again. Take your time to respond. It might turn that conversation into a rather pleasing one, in which both people learn something valuable.