Why I’m Telling My Daughter Not to Wait
10 tips for setting off on the road to a lifetime of ecstasy
Humans are sexual creatures. Our sexuality and our vitality are linked. It’s hard to feel truly alive if you can’t remember the last time you felt turned on.
It’s shocking and sad how many adults are willing live without this, to die inside not long after their brains reach peak capacity, but they are, and I want more than that for you.
Dear Eve,
I want you to be happy; I mean really happy — deep belly laughter, last-minute getaways, dream life kind of happy. While such happiness depends a bit on luck, and more than a bit on hard work, most of all, I believe it depends on a kind of honesty that is beyond the terrain of polite conversation. But, I love you, daughter so I’m going to say it straight.
Do not wait until you get married to start having sex.
It’s not just that I don’t encourage you to wait, or don’t recommend that you wait. I honestly can’t think of a worse idea than linking sex and marriage.
Okay…there is one idea worse than waiting for marriage to have sex and that’s getting pregnant when you don’t have 18 years and about a million dollars to spare, so watch the video of Alix below, who’s clearly cooler than I am, on how to use condoms. Don’t get an STI and don’t get pregnant!
Now that we’ve got that settled…
Sex is beautiful, natural and takes lots of practice. Unlike practicing scales or calculus, experimenting with what feels good in sex is relaxing and fun.
Teenage bodies that are itching for sex at all times are years away from being ready to choose a life-mate, and there is no better recipe for misery than making a life-long commitment when you lack the information you need to make a good choice.
Do have sex. Lots of it. As much as possible, until you know just what you like and just what you don’t like. Have so much sex that you become like a rag rung out of your wanting, limp and satisfied.
Why?
Because, sex is the most natural, honest, raw thing people do.
Good sex is like dancing on point or surfing a 10 ft wave, but anyone can do it. Even more, everyone should do it. Great sex burns calories, regulates hormone levels, increases feelings of closeness between people and grounds you in your own power. Sex is the best hug you’ve ever felt, a warm bath and a rave all rolled into one.
By the time you choose to commit yourself to a long-term relationship (and I hope you do make that choice one day…), I want you to know your body and know your desires, and I want you to have experimented to your heart’s content.
Try it all.
Here are 10 tips for setting off on the road to a lifetime of ecstasy:
- Know your body and know how to make yourself orgasm before bringing a partner into the mix (See Dispatch #1).
- Find a partner who is worthy of you. They must be trustworthy, respectful, and understand that two people cannot get any closer (literally…) than when having sex. In that you have a vagina, when you choose to have sex with someone, you invite them inside of you. Find a partner who is worthy of that invitation.
- Believe in yourself. Do not be afraid or ashamed. Sex is natural. You are made to want it and you are made to enjoy it. Nothing ruins it more than fear or shame. Just be yourself, and know that I love you.
- Be playful. Remember that time when you were four and you walked in on us having sex? You thought we were wrestling. Because, we were wrestling, just in the “grown-up” kind of way. There is no difference between liberated sex and puppies at play. Great sex is playful. There is no script. No right and wrong. No recipe. Let your body take the lead; follow your instincts to a land of ecstasy.
- Be brave. Sex is the best setting to practice asking for what you want and then practice truly opening yourself to the enjoyment of receiving it. It’s a lifeskill that translates to work, leisure and beyond. Ask and ye shall receive.
- Be generous. Giving really does often feel better than receiving, especially during sex. Give as often as you take, and give in ways that are attuned to your partner’s desires. Use your senses. Pay attention. Be generous.
- Be accepting. There is great tenderness in holding your partner during sex. In agreeing to get naked together, your partner is trusting you and opening themselves up to you. Never judge, unless they want to do something that hurts you. Even in that case, don’t judge, just say no.
- Be present. Really good sex is a form of meditation. It’s an opportunity to open all of your senses for some of the biggest possible feels. 1 in 10 people admits to checking their phones during sex. Don’t be one of those people! Be present with your partner. The payoff is unimaginable.
- Be vulnerable. If you follow this advice, what you want and what you’re capable of will evolve as you and your partner grow together. Trust that evolution. It’s the yellow brick road. You want to go where it’s taking you. Go slow, and do your best not to put up walls. You’re going to open in ways now unimaginable.
- Be curious. While the religious traditions that inform Western thought teach that sex outside of marriage is a sin, those in the East teach that sex done right brings enlightenment. When you open all of your senses, (turn off your phone!!), and bring yourself fully into the moment, good sex has the potential to change your normal sense perception, allowing you to taste heaven on earth.
The idea that one must wait for marriage to have sex is outdated and misguided.
It comes from a world that regarded women as the property of men and a world where sex for women was a game of roulette that could make her a mom whether she liked it or not. Thank God, you’re not growing up in such a world and still, the biases that underpin the view that sex is for marriage only are still rampant, even for those being raised by moms like me.
If you follow the advice in this letter and you’re not private about it, I have no doubt that you’ll be called a slut by your peers. “Slut shaming” is the last bastion of the claim that sex outside of marriage is sinful. I stand against it, and so should you.
Your body is your own. Love it, respect it and keep it healthy.
There is absolutely nothing dirty about sex.
To the contrary, sex is the way that we human beings dance in our pleasure. Those who carry shame around it don’t walk as tall in any other area of their life.
Sex is how we express our aliveness.
In raising you, my aim is to teach you to love yourself and to walk in your power. Giving yourself permission to practice the art of sex while you’re young and while your body is begging you to do so is the very best way I can.
Embrace your sexuality. It’s the key to happiness.
Yours, Lilith
Most Important Lessons
Most Important Lessons is a series of 10 letters I’m writing my teenage daughter. When she was 1, I helped her learn to walk and talk. Now, these lessons, on healthy sex and pleasure, are the most important I can teach her. In this one, I explain why waiting for marriage to have sex is a mistake with lasting consequences.
