The Term Self-Sabotage is Too Extreme
Embracing Self-Compassion and Breaking Free of the Lies
Have you ever gotten in your own way?
Did you block yourself from achieving a goal?
Did you create an unfavorable situation instead of what you wanted?
A lot of people call that ‘self-sabotage’…
But I don’t.
I’m moving away from the phrase, ‘self-sabotage,’ as in, “Do you ever self-sabotage?”
Today I rephrase this as,
“Is there a part of you that sometimes needs to slow down or put on the brakes?”
I’ve spent 10 years building a business, writing, and seeking a good relationship.
Along the way, I’ve had stops, starts, and many moments that I used to call ‘self-sabotage.’ Eventually, I realized how unhelpful this language is.
New language has made a difference. Now my business is doing well, my first book is published, and I’m engaged.
No more ‘self-sabotage’ —
Here are three reasons why I’m turning away from this popular phrase.
A. The phrase ‘self-sabotage’ makes it sound like the self is untrustworthy.
I’m like a lot of people —
I have trauma from the past when my self-trust was damaged or discouraged. Now I am healing that trust in myself.
Healing from loss and abuse has not been easy. I stumbled into toxic relationships, lingered in bad situations, and spent a lot of money.
Some things are out of my control, for sure…
But often there were moments when I did have control. Where I could have stopped things from getting so bad.
I ignored a red flag. I avoided hearing my own better judgment.
That is where I really went wrong.
I could have totally avoided the bad ending to certain stories if only I hadn’t ignored an internal warning sign. 😑
And I know we all do this…
If you don’t listen to yourself, that gets you in trouble.
The solution to many things is usually to trust yourself more.
That has been my journey and I am still on it, but I’ve come a long way.
I know that is easier said than done in real life, because every person has a lot of parts to them, and they can all be saying conflicting things…
But if trusting yourself is a challenge, all the more reason to watch how you talk to yourself and what words you use.
Remove the phrase ‘self-sabotage’ from your vocabulary and promote the view that YOU CAN TRUST YOURSELF.
B. Slow is not necessarily bad.
The phrase ‘Self-sabotage’ judges a part of you.
It sounds like that part of you is really destructive.
But what I’ve realized is that really that part of you just is not ready to expand quickly.
In real life, an act of sabotage is intentional and very intense.
The last time I saw sabotage was on the game show Survivor, where everyone is trying to survive on a desert island with limited supplies. In one episode, a contestant got so mad that they threw everyone’s rice into the fire.
Now that was sabotage.
Self-sabotage is unintended, otherwise, it would be self-harm.
People still consider it to be a bad thing because it will get in the way of achieving your goals and getting what you want ASAP.
In this case, achieving your goals gets thrown into the fire and destroyed.
If you see this as a permanent loss, it can really hurt and cause you to feel bad.
But hold up — what if it is not really that bad?
It’s possible to change your perspective on a situation where you got in your own way. It doesn’t have to be a permanent loss at all.
Would you be open to seeing it differently?
What if you can still have what you want, but it will look different or it will happen later on?
In order to achieve what I want I’ve had to learn to see things differently.
Just because it didn’t work out like I wanted to doesn’t always mean it is the complete end of the world. I do want to do things quickly, but the things that I wanted most took time.
Rather than judge myself for
- Being slow,
- Getting in my own way, or
- Not being ready for an opportunity,
I have learned to have a different attitude.
It’s all about being more curious, loving, and accepting.
If I’m not ready for something, I’m probably going to slow down.
That is normal.
The thing is slowing down can be restorative and promote a better experience long term.
I have to LISTEN to what every part me needs, and why they want to slow down. If I respond to meet those needs, often moving forward becomes natural.
It’s what helps me with my own life and it helps me when I work with my clients.
If you feel like you’ve gotten in your own way, or you are going too slowly you might need to extend that same grace to yourself.
You might need to get more interested in what your reasons for going slowly are.
In my experience, there is always a reason.
Listening to yourself can help you discover new things didn’t understand or that you didn’t realize were important —
Like needs you haven’t been prioritizing. Some of mine are:
- Getting more rest.
- Spending time going in.
- Stopping one thing so I can do something else.
If there is a conflict between what you need and what you are doing, something you don’t like might happen, so it is important to listen to yourself.
As a result, you might decide to make choices that other people may not understand,
like having a goal that won’t get you applause but allows you to enjoy your life more and make time for yourself.
Putting what you know to be true about yourself into practice isn’t easy.
The outside world may tell you it is better to go fast and slowing down is evidence of failure.
But is that really true?
People put on the brakes all the time.
Stop judging any part of you that wants to go a little slower and get to know yourself better.
This is how wholeness can happen!
When you get to be you without judging who you really are, it is wonderful.
I’ve seen miracles happen. When you listen to all of yourself, you can come up with truly unique ideas and solutions that fit you and you alone.
If you think you might be ‘self-sabotaging’, take the time to see if slowing down could actually benefit you and why. Learn about yourself.
C. Having things ripped away from you sucks.
If you are ready to let go of something, it feels much better when you can release it of your free will, rather than because you feel obligated to let go.
In the language of ‘self-sabotage’, to stop blocking yourself, you have to fix or change a part of you — the ‘inner saboteur’.
If you have a part of your personality that you must cut off because it is destructive and you are scared it is bad — that is not really an empowered choice.
That is fear driven.
And it’s basically trying to rip something away that is a part of your life.
Looking at this part of you with fear and trying to split it away as fast as possible isn’t healthy.
And it might not work.
It didn’t for me.
It’s like wrestling something out of the hands of a little kid. They are crying or angry and desperate to hold on. And if you succeed, this kid will remember that you were not very nice about it and cause more problems for you later.
My habit is to push myself and push myself, but it hasn’t worked.
I have to slow down sometimes and ask myself:
- What has gotten you so scared?
- Why do you need to go fast?
- Why do you need something to change this very second?
And then I say:
Maybe what I really need to do is calm down first.
It is amazing what happens when I accept my life.
No, my life isn’t perfect and has never been perfect EVER,
but when I find a moment of peace with everything the way,
even when it feels super crappy,
accepting a world where it may never, ever change…
Just accepting that has led me to more progress, more love, and more wealth than decades of hustling to change it ever did.
Strangely, any time I release the expectation that I need to change, deep transformation gets sparked for me.
It is a reset out of obligation and desperation.
You cannot be obligated or desperate and also be empowered and free.
You have to have a modicum of clarity and calm.
You can’t force yourself to change.
When you ditch obligation and desperation, then you are free to DECIDE to grow and change —
TO LET GO of whatever grip you have holding you back
because you are fully ready and it is time…
that is powerful.
The paradox is: unconditionally accepting yourself right now can result in instant change.
Progress without the pressure.
You’ll build an empowered foundation this way and it will feel better than forcing things before you are ready.
In sum, although the term ‘self-sabotage’ is a quick, easy, and popular way to describe a situation where you may have gotten in your own way, it misses the mark because:
A. It doesn’t help you to trust yourself.
And you need to trust yourself, especially if you’ve experienced trauma or shame.
B. It judges a slow pace to be bad, which may not be true.
Everyone’s situation is different from moment to moment. Listen to yourself now.
C. It puts pressure on you to change in a disempowered way.
When you accept yourself fully, you create empowered shifts easily.
Instead of focusing on removing ‘self-sabotage’ (ick), let’s embrace that every person is made up of many parts.
It’s okay for some parts of you to be moving at a slower pace.
The key is to listen to those parts of you and see what they need and how you can bring them into the fold. Together you can set a step forward on the path of the goals that truly matter.
Take that one step. And then possibly repeat the process to take another.
It might be slower than you like, but that might be good for you.
How to do this?
One thing you can try on your own is doing mindfulness meditation and journaling. Write to different parts of you as a loving and compassionate listener.
Writing every day has really changed my life.
If you want to build a daily writing practice, you can join my next 21-day writing challenge.
Join the FREE 21 day Heartfelt Writing Challenge to start writing daily, unlock inspiration for a book or business, and always know what to do next because you can hear yourself clearly.