UNEARTHLY ROMANCE

Why I’m Looking for Love in Alien Places

I hope to have better luck in the interplanetary dating apps

Earthmen just aren’t cutting it anymore, in so many ways: unkempt vs. vain; hypermasculine vs. wimpy; addicted to risk-taking vs. timid; unemployed vs. constantly working. While we all know a good man is hard to find and a hard man is good to find, there are outer limits — I prefer a happy medium. So here I am, on OkAlien searching for the male being of my dreams. Are you out there somewhere, my new nonhuman love? Take me away! Please?

In a Nutshell

I’m creative and open-minded, interested in lifelong learning and meeting other species. I’ve dreamed of boldly going into space — the final frontier — and look forward to new and exciting experiences on planets other than my own, Earth. Age ain’t nothing but a number for me.

The One I’m Looking For

Your appearance is, at minimum, acceptable in accordance with your species’ perception of that. Pointed ears, a big nose, and a humanoid form are a plus. Greenish or any other skin color is fine by me. Though you’re logical at all times, you will tolerate my human absurdity and emotions. You must love dogs if we are to live long and prosper together.

— AND/OR —

You are tall, dark, and muscular, with a distinctively handsome frontal cranium. I’m perfectly OK with you having a child from a previous relationship and trust that you feel the same. You’ll do your best not to spit when you lose your temper and curse at me in your native tongue. Your loyalty and highly developed sense of honor will keep me by your side forever. Must love targs¹ — I mean, dogs.

I’d Just Like to Add

Please keep in mind that I require a class M — Minshara — planet for survival. Your technology must include transporter beaming or some other advanced form of transportation catering to my fear of heights and flying.

I’m open to mind-melding. I gravitate toward the intellectual type with a cool, distant manner and also the physically capable, self-confident type — and hope you’re drawn to independent, opinionated women. A sense of humor is of course optional, as jokes sometimes must be explained to me.

Last but not least, I’ll be happy to deal with the pon farr² every 7 years or keep your bat’leth³ polished, as the case may be.

Personality Questions

Q. Do you enjoy cooking? A. No. I hope you have a replicator.

Q. How patient are you? A. Not very patient, except with a lover.

Q. Are you romantic? A. Yes and no. Sometimes. I don’t need sweet talk but may need some time to get used to combative foreplay.

Q. How punctual are you typically? A. If the shuttlecraft is leaving in 10 minutes, you’d better keep a close eye on me.

Q. Do you like going to the movies? A. Yes, science fiction and action/adventure; no chick flicks.

Q. Would you enjoy going to Mars? How about Venus? A. I won’t knock it ’til I’ve tried it.

Q. Do you like tribbles? A. Not particularly. I prefer dogs.

I hope and pray my OkAlien profile here will be curated by MuddyUm, A Space Oddity, our intergalactic sister pub. Please wish me qapla’⁴!

¹ A boar-like animal with sharp tusks — the Klingon canine analog. May also be spelled targh.

² A recurring, very private aspect of every adult Vulcan’s sex life.

³ Used here figuratively. A double-sided Klingon weapon with a curved blade, four points, and three handholds on the back.

⁴ “Success” in the Klingon language, tlhIngan Hol. Qapla’ is the only Klingon word I personally use — at present, anyway.

If you need a reference as to my veracity and general wonderfulness, oh alien male of my dreams, Rachael Ann Sand stands ready to help. Here’s her contact info:

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