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Abstract

.nih.gov/compound/Nandrolone">Nandrolone is a synthetic steroid</a>.I worked hard for the two we made together, Manteca¹ and Yogi Bearah. Manteca was named because we have a blended family, just like manteca should be blended in with the masa harina in order to make tamales. Or so I’m told — I don’t like to get my hands dirty and Luisa is much better at that kind of stuff.<figure id="b99c"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*yRks2cln0CoYZ27_VkVuvA.jpeg"><figcaption>Shout out to San Joaquin County. Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@siddacool?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Siddhesh Mangela</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/photos/_OBufQoDWE4?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure>Yogi Bearah was named after our family’s favorite Camp-Resorts. What keeps us coming each year is the fun of roasting marshmallows with the mascots who wear those flammable polyester suits. I’m surprised Ranger Smith is even remotely okay with the fire risk.Career-wise, I have been a ‘yes man’, but so what? I’ve paid my dues, and now I can finally afford to get my errant ear hairs lasered off. Sure I could fund college for the kids, but those hairs are so unsightly! Luisa said she felt a lump the other day, but it’s not visible like my ear hairs are. First thing’s first.<h2 id="f409">On Being Childfree</h2>Late last year, I sat my beautiful Luisa down and told her I’ve been thinking about the childfree lifestyle a lot recently, and I plan to move forward in the new year. She agreed with the plan. Apparently, she is willing to agree to anything I suggest at this point. It seems like bad behavior on my part, but that’s on her because I’m too old to take responsibility for my actions.I’ve been working on a speech I’ll be dropping on my kids later this year. This is what I’ve developed so far:<blockquote id="9b98">Listen up, you little crotch goblins. As fun as it has been to hit a stunt boost after coming off of a ramp followed by dropping a triple banana trap that makes you spin out and securing my place as 1st on the Mario Kart podium, I think our time together is done. NYNM (New year, new me) and

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INYIM (It’s Not You, It’s Me). Deuces!</blockquote>The dictionary definition of childfree is: “people who choose not to have children, or a place or situation without children”. I’ve read the definition three times now and nowhere does it say that I can’t choose to be childfree after having a child or two and raising them for a few years.I don’t see how premising my life choices on a short description of something in the dictionary can possibly be anything but correct.<h1 id="17af">Reasons To Be Childfree</h1>The reason I’d like to quietly quit Hector Cardenas, Dada9000 Cardenas, Manteca Cardenas, and Yogi Bearah Cardenas are quite simple. First, raising children takes too much of my energy and time. Half the time, I have to wait for Luisa to be finished with cooking dinner, laundry, and putting the kids to sleep before we can discuss how hard my day at work was. Some of those subtweets aimed at the billionaires are really mean!I dislike occasionally backtracking home to pick up Native American dwelling projects, volcano projects, and such that the kids forget at home once or twice a year. I’d much rather be contemplating something important.Something important like whether it’s okay to enjoy the flamboyant Southern plantation owner voice of Ziro the Hutt despite how much of a departure it is from how other Hutts speak. You know, the important stuff. My bridge usually handles the more mundane domestic stuff.Additionally, I’ve decided to tune back in and pay attention to my environmentalist roots. I would like to do my part to keep things like diapers, wipes, fast food toys, and so on out of the waste stream. What a waste. There is no better way to give back to mother nature than to give up her bounty.So, does anyone want a free child?Oh hey, I have to run. I just got a text from Luisa, and she wrote, ‘don’t bother looking for anyone when you get home. The closets are empty, and I sincerely hope there is something you can do at home other than scratch your butt because dinner, dishes, and the laundry are all on you from now until forever AH.”Is that “ah” as in “ahahaha” or what? I’m confused.¹lard</article></body>

FAMILY PLANNING

Why I’m Going Childfree in 2023

The Many Benefits of Being Childfree

“Why didn’t I think of this sooner? I could have saved a ton on JoJo Siwa merch!” Photo by Luke Southern on Unsplash

Today I turn 53. I’m moving closer to retirement age and contemplating the end of a career that was primarily dedicated to astroturfing eccentric billionaire tweet responses, ensuring that they don’t get ratioed for making uncomfortable jokes about the young ball girls and ball boys at Wimbledon and other creepy and/ or out-of-touch statements.

I’m proud of the job I’ve done for such men with beautiful, flowing locks of hair and naturally sculpted cheekbones.

I have worked hard to put food on the table for my family. To provide for my wife, Luisa. For the entire time we’ve been together, she’s been half my age plus seven. Sure — she has a Master’s degree in forensic accounting and makes $40,000 more than me each year, but sometimes I barbecue in the summer — if I'm really feeling like it and if there’s enough beer in the fridge. If there isn’t, she does all the grocery shopping and is willing to make a special trip. I really love her.

I worked hard for Luisa’s two boys, Hector and Dada 9000. Hector got his name similarly to the fate of the Greek mythological figure. The Trojan failed.

Dada 9000 was originally supposed to be named Kimbo Slice, but when Kimbo’s impressive win over Dada 9000 in 2016 was overturned by the Texas Athletic Commission due to an unusually high level of nandrolone, Luisa’s ex saw fit to overturn the name as an after effect.

I know what you’re thinking. That name sounds like a total joke, but it’s a serious matter. Nandrolone is a synthetic steroid.

I worked hard for the two we made together, Manteca¹ and Yogi Bearah. Manteca was named because we have a blended family, just like manteca should be blended in with the masa harina in order to make tamales. Or so I’m told — I don’t like to get my hands dirty and Luisa is much better at that kind of stuff.

Shout out to San Joaquin County. Photo by Siddhesh Mangela on Unsplash

Yogi Bearah was named after our family’s favorite Camp-Resorts. What keeps us coming each year is the fun of roasting marshmallows with the mascots who wear those flammable polyester suits. I’m surprised Ranger Smith is even remotely okay with the fire risk.

Career-wise, I have been a ‘yes man’, but so what? I’ve paid my dues, and now I can finally afford to get my errant ear hairs lasered off. Sure I could fund college for the kids, but those hairs are so unsightly! Luisa said she felt a lump the other day, but it’s not visible like my ear hairs are. First thing’s first.

On Being Childfree

Late last year, I sat my beautiful Luisa down and told her I’ve been thinking about the childfree lifestyle a lot recently, and I plan to move forward in the new year. She agreed with the plan. Apparently, she is willing to agree to anything I suggest at this point. It seems like bad behavior on my part, but that’s on her because I’m too old to take responsibility for my actions.

I’ve been working on a speech I’ll be dropping on my kids later this year. This is what I’ve developed so far:

Listen up, you little crotch goblins. As fun as it has been to hit a stunt boost after coming off of a ramp followed by dropping a triple banana trap that makes you spin out and securing my place as 1st on the Mario Kart podium, I think our time together is done. NYNM (New year, new me) and INYIM (It’s Not You, It’s Me). Deuces!

The dictionary definition of childfree is: “people who choose not to have children, or a place or situation without children”. I’ve read the definition three times now and nowhere does it say that I can’t choose to be childfree after having a child or two and raising them for a few years.

I don’t see how premising my life choices on a short description of something in the dictionary can possibly be anything but correct.

Reasons To Be Childfree

The reason I’d like to quietly quit Hector Cardenas, Dada9000 Cardenas, Manteca Cardenas, and Yogi Bearah Cardenas are quite simple. First, raising children takes too much of my energy and time. Half the time, I have to wait for Luisa to be finished with cooking dinner, laundry, and putting the kids to sleep before we can discuss how hard my day at work was. Some of those subtweets aimed at the billionaires are really mean!

I dislike occasionally backtracking home to pick up Native American dwelling projects, volcano projects, and such that the kids forget at home once or twice a year. I’d much rather be contemplating something important.

Something important like whether it’s okay to enjoy the flamboyant Southern plantation owner voice of Ziro the Hutt despite how much of a departure it is from how other Hutts speak. You know, the important stuff. My bridge usually handles the more mundane domestic stuff.

Additionally, I’ve decided to tune back in and pay attention to my environmentalist roots. I would like to do my part to keep things like diapers, wipes, fast food toys, and so on out of the waste stream. What a waste. There is no better way to give back to mother nature than to give up her bounty.

So, does anyone want a free child?

Oh hey, I have to run. I just got a text from Luisa, and she wrote, ‘don’t bother looking for anyone when you get home. The closets are empty, and I sincerely hope there is something you can do at home other than scratch your butt because dinner, dishes, and the laundry are all on you from now until forever AH.”

Is that “ah” as in “ahahaha” or what? I’m confused.

¹lard