Why I’m Glad I Got Cheated On

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Abstract

f the flames a phoenix, rebuilding themselves and their lives in a way never dreamt possible. After telling myself I was strictly a victim of other people's choices for so long, I was going to choose a better outcome this time around.I was fortunate enough that when this happened, my partner came clean immediately; it was the perfect intersection of overall relationship dissatisfaction, opportunity, and overindulgence at the bar. They were remorseful, apologetic, and transparent which showed me they valued me enough to get it all out in the open, as painful as it was. <a href="https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/features/cfp-0000012.pdf">Research</a> shows that couples that reveal their infidelity have a divorce rate of half what hiding it would be. Combine that with the fact that 20–40% of marriages have infidelity as a component, which would mean there’s a lot of marriages that could potentially be reconciled by this very initial action.I made the decision that no matter how they decided to proceed, my perspective around this was my responsibility alone, and nobody else could do the work for me if I wanted to get past it. I could either choose to wallow in the pain and use it as an excuse for myself for who knows how long, or I could lean in and do the work necessary to come out the other side a better person. Also, don’t work through all of this with your partner, especially at first. They’re too close to the situation for you to be non-emotional. Get your ass to therapy.Speaking of responsibility, it was important that I take ownership of my part in what led up to the infidelity. Chances are that the end result was the sum of lots of little things over time that slowly derided, instead of one calamitous event. While this wasn’t about absolving their actions, it allowed me to focus on the things that were in my power to change, and whether or not my relationship survived, I was going to be more mindful of how I contribute to a bad situation, even if I’m not the one pulling the trigger.We recognized together that we previously were forming a co-dependent relationship that really stifled our ability to have autonomy, and we would push up against those restraints in sometimes unhealthy ways. We knew we wanted something different, but our habits and patterns had pushed us up the <a href="https://readmedium.com/stepping-off-the-relationship-escalator-f0d17bef70b7"

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relationship escalator</a> to the point that we barely recognized ourselves, just Barbie and Ken in some cosmic dreamhouse. In a way blowing up our relationship in such dramatic fashion made us throw the script out and reconsider what we’d REALLY like life to be since this white picket fence version we’d created was slowly sucking the life force out of us.It also forced us to be more honest with each other about what we wanted out of life and a relationship with each other, as tiptoeing around each other created an atmosphere of shame, resentment, and then ultimately despair. What had historically manifested in passive-aggressiveness, being closed off, and arguments galore which meant we were mostly just keeping the peace. I can see this play out in a lot of relationships now, where people will complain to their friends, family, or coworkers about the dynamic with their partner but the one person they won’t talk to about it is their actual partner. They’ll just stay in an unsatisfactory and unhappy place until they end the relationship, or much like my partner’s grandmother, her husband finally dies.Granted, I recognize that sometimes the relationship can’t be saved due to a variety of reasons, but much of this work can be done with a future partner, or with yourself before you get into another relationship. Remember, your growth and healing from this is yours alone regardless of how your relationship continues.In the time since “the event”, my partner has used the time and space to work on themselves, I have done the same, and we’ve consciously worked on our relationship together. We’ve transformed it into what we’d always hoped it could be, but were afraid that to truly reveal ourselves meant we were incompatible, when in fact it’s brought us closer than ever. The wounds have healed and now we can talk about it frankly and with perspective, instead of with trauma in our hearts and tears in our eyes.Much like a forest fire is destructive, the clearing of the old dead parts of your relationship can be what you need to start over with new knowledge to create a lush safe space where you can coexist both as individuals and as a partnership. In a way, yes I’m glad I was cheated on, because the life I was living wasn’t fulfilling nor tenable for the long run and it opened the door to one that I couldn’t have dreamed of before that fateful day.</article></body>

How infidelity can transform you and your relationship in a positive way

My throat was in my stomach. My skin buzzed with the sudden surge of adrenaline coursing through my veins, hands unable to stay steady even though they had clenched so tightly my fingers were ashen. My vision had tunneled and my hearing had gone muffled like I was being spoken to while underwater. Even though my physiology was screaming at me, guided by my reptilian brain — “RUN. PUNCH. THROW UP. RUN.” I stood there motionless, a robot that had short-circuited and was unable to comply with commands. Instead of a booming retort, lava and venom coming from between my lips, all that escaped would barely register as a sound, a meekly whispered “What?”

When the atom bomb that is hidden infidelity hits, you’re sure that you’ll be consumed by the inferno. Time stands still and at the moment nothing else fills your senses but the mushroom cloud before you. In the minutes and hours and days after, you may question your entire reality, vacillating between debilitating sorrow and a hulk-like rage, making sure to carve a home for shame to live within your chest cavity.

If you’ve been subject to infidelity, I can empathize with what you endured, as unfortunately, I’ve had this experience on more than one occasion. It’s one of those life-altering moments that forever change you, reframing your ideas around relationships and that sickly sweet story we’re all told growing up that the person whom you love would never do something to hurt you, especially something as nefarious as sleeping with another person.

In the wake of being cheated on some people carry these hurts with them forever, never allowing another person the opportunity to scale the walls to their heart and plunge a dagger into that shriveled, black flesh that sits in its stead. Some people, however, can seemingly come out of the flames a phoenix, rebuilding themselves and their lives in a way never dreamt possible. After telling myself I was strictly a victim of other people's choices for so long, I was going to choose a better outcome this time around.

I was fortunate enough that when this happened, my partner came clean immediately; it was the perfect intersection of overall relationship dissatisfaction, opportunity, and overindulgence at the bar. They were remorseful, apologetic, and transparent which showed me they valued me enough to get it all out in the open, as painful as it was. Research shows that couples that reveal their infidelity have a divorce rate of half what hiding it would be. Combine that with the fact that 20–40% of marriages have infidelity as a component, which would mean there’s a lot of marriages that could potentially be reconciled by this very initial action.

I made the decision that no matter how they decided to proceed, my perspective around this was my responsibility alone, and nobody else could do the work for me if I wanted to get past it. I could either choose to wallow in the pain and use it as an excuse for myself for who knows how long, or I could lean in and do the work necessary to come out the other side a better person. Also, don’t work through all of this with your partner, especially at first. They’re too close to the situation for you to be non-emotional. Get your ass to therapy.

Speaking of responsibility, it was important that I take ownership of my part in what led up to the infidelity. Chances are that the end result was the sum of lots of little things over time that slowly derided, instead of one calamitous event. While this wasn’t about absolving their actions, it allowed me to focus on the things that were in my power to change, and whether or not my relationship survived, I was going to be more mindful of how I contribute to a bad situation, even if I’m not the one pulling the trigger.

We recognized together that we previously were forming a co-dependent relationship that really stifled our ability to have autonomy, and we would push up against those restraints in sometimes unhealthy ways. We knew we wanted something different, but our habits and patterns had pushed us up the relationship escalator to the point that we barely recognized ourselves, just Barbie and Ken in some cosmic dreamhouse. In a way blowing up our relationship in such dramatic fashion made us throw the script out and reconsider what we’d REALLY like life to be since this white picket fence version we’d created was slowly sucking the life force out of us.

It also forced us to be more honest with each other about what we wanted out of life and a relationship with each other, as tiptoeing around each other created an atmosphere of shame, resentment, and then ultimately despair. What had historically manifested in passive-aggressiveness, being closed off, and arguments galore which meant we were mostly just keeping the peace. I can see this play out in a lot of relationships now, where people will complain to their friends, family, or coworkers about the dynamic with their partner but the one person they won’t talk to about it is their actual partner. They’ll just stay in an unsatisfactory and unhappy place until they end the relationship, or much like my partner’s grandmother, her husband finally dies.

Granted, I recognize that sometimes the relationship can’t be saved due to a variety of reasons, but much of this work can be done with a future partner, or with yourself before you get into another relationship. Remember, your growth and healing from this is yours alone regardless of how your relationship continues.

In the time since “the event”, my partner has used the time and space to work on themselves, I have done the same, and we’ve consciously worked on our relationship together. We’ve transformed it into what we’d always hoped it could be, but were afraid that to truly reveal ourselves meant we were incompatible, when in fact it’s brought us closer than ever. The wounds have healed and now we can talk about it frankly and with perspective, instead of with trauma in our hearts and tears in our eyes.

Much like a forest fire is destructive, the clearing of the old dead parts of your relationship can be what you need to start over with new knowledge to create a lush safe space where you can coexist both as individuals and as a partnership. In a way, yes I’m glad I was cheated on, because the life I was living wasn’t fulfilling nor tenable for the long run and it opened the door to one that I couldn’t have dreamed of before that fateful day.