Why I’m Dismissing the Good Cheer of Christmas & Celebrations for 2021

A date I once loved now filled with sadness

I used to love Christmas Day.

It’s the one day mum and I would have a nice lunch together, talk, laugh, and it was just the two of us.

We would usually have lunch in the same area, but pick different places to eat in — that was a little tradition we built together over the years.

This year will be pretty different — It will now be a lunch of just one.

Mum was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in March.

The cancer symptoms slowly over time made her gravely ill. She endured long stays in hospital, failed medical procedures, and finally, the last destination of her long and painful journey.

She began her endless sleep on August 29th.

I often detested people asking me what I would do for Christmas.

I mean, what can I do?

People who haven’t lost someone they love or gone through the deterioration process of cancer like to place judgement on your inaction to be “Merry.”

Well, as a positive person, I am Merry, just not today — not this year.

Everyone has their way of dealing with the loss of a loved one. But, unfortunately, it’s not easy for anyone — no matter how they pass on.

No one wants the people they love to die- but that’s part of our life journey.

So this year, I’m choosing to mourn in peace.

But, I’m still sad; sad that I won’t’ see the person who means the world to me for a very long time.

I’m scared, though, that one day I will forget how she looks.

And that I’ll forget the sound of her voice and the beaming smile that lined her face.

We spent 43 years together — side by side in life, and now she stands alone in death.

And here I am on the earth wishing she was here with me too.

To those who are finding this blessed day as hard as I am — I hear you loud and clear. It’s painful; sadness fills your heart, and those eyes well up with tears — while everyone else is smiling.

It’s ok to be as you wish — this is your path towards mourning.

Someday it will be their turn, and you will be the one to show compassion, love and kindness — non-judgement of their way of mourning.

To you, who is hurting, I send you my love and kindness and wish your heart to fill with endless love and thoughts of happiness, of all the good times you shared.

Your loss is mine as well.

Merry Christmas

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