Humor

Why I’m Celebrating National Ferris Wheel Day Instead of Valentine’s Day

FERRIS WHEELS ARE COOL

I still get candy

You know what’s great about National Ferris Wheel day? It also falls on Valentine’s Day. That’s right: I can eat candy on a Ferris wheel.

Well-constructed architecture is an aphrodisiac

You know what gets me off? Good, inventive architecture. Ferris wheels are well built, unique, and guaranteed to withstand pretty much everything. I love the feeling of being safely wrapped in their strong steel arms.

Nobody will question why I am riding a Ferris wheel alone

I dare you to tell someone that you’re going to ride a Ferris wheel and see if they give a shit. They’ll probably just be confused.

Most Ferris wheels are old. Which means they have a lot of experience

The Riesenrad in Vienna, Austria is the oldest operating Ferris wheel in the world. Built in 1897, this bad boy has been around for a long time. With age comes experience and confidence. I know it’ll satiate all my vestibular stimulation needs.

People are temporary, but Ferris wheels are forever

You know what will never abandon you? A Ferris wheel. It will always be there. It will always be turning. It will outlive you.

I get dinner, a great view, and a cozy seat

Valentine’s day is all about wining and dining someone, but why would I do that when I can ride a Ferris wheel for half the price, bring my own wine in a thermos, and eat some corn dogs and funnel cakes — all with a beautiful view of some city.

Most of them light up at night

You know what’s HOT?! A FREAKEN LIGHT DISPLAY. I’m talking about rainbow lights, LED lights, lights that flash and loop. Lights that are bright and create an ambience. Can your loved one light up at night? I didn’t think so.

Ferris wheels are way safer than humans

What’s the worst thing that happens on a Ferris wheel? You get stuck for a couple of hours. What’s the worst thing that could happen with another human? You could die of heartbreak. Yeah, it’s cute that someone got you flowers, but what if they leave you? Oh, they’re taking you to your favorite restaurant? Adorable. Good luck not choking on your food after they tell you they slept with your sister.

Stay safe and cuddle up next to your neighborhood Ferris wheel instead.