STORIES FROM THE CLOSET

Why I’m Back in the Closet After More Than Forty Years

Keeping my queer identity secret

Almost forty years after I busted out of the proverbial closet, I have locked up that secret again. It may be the world’s worst-kept secret though. Almost everyone I know accepts that I am gay. It has not been an issue with me for a very long time.

When I first came out, my sister told me not to tell my parents or anyone else in my family. My mom pleaded with me not to tell anyone. I couldn’t do that. Once I tasted the freedom of being open and truthful about my life, I couldn’t hide it any longer.

But coming out is not a one-time thing. Every time I meet someone new I have to go through the process again of telling them who I am. It gets easier, although I never know for sure how they will react.

While I am open about my sexuality, I know it is not so easy for others. I have always respected that and would never out anyone. All of us have our own stories to tell.

I became political, taking part in protest marches and rallies, and Pride Day celebrations. I would also occasionally go out to the bars and clubs. At work, I lobbied for and won same-sex benefits. If you had asked me ten years ago if I would ever hide that part of myself again I would have answered a resounding no!

And yet here I am.

Almost a decade ago I started a relationship with someone I met on a dating site. He is not open about himself and is not out to anyone. He was upfront and honest with me, and I didn’t really think too much about it. When we first started dating, he told me that a relationship wouldn’t work because I would resent him. He had no intention of ever opening that closet door. I told him it didn’t matter to me. I didn’t care any longer who knew or who didn’t know. Been there, done that.

I embraced the game and I played along. I could avoid most of his family and friends because we don’t travel in the same circles. It hasn’t been so easy with his best friend who lives across the street from him. While we have never met, she is active on social media and I know she has checked out what this friend of his looks like. So I locked down all of my social media, you won’t see me if you don’t know me. I also stopped posting anything that could identify me as gay.

To my family and friends, he is my partner, my lover, and my friend. To those closest to him, I am merely an acquaintance.

I hate to lie. I am not a liar by nature and one of the things I dislike the most in people is dishonesty. So it does bother me sometimes, the sneaking around, the made-up excuses and explanations if we appear to be too close. Non-disclosure to me feels the same as lying. I am not good at compartmentalizing my life. I read like an open book.

And then I started to write on Medium.

Writing is always something I have done and something I love to do. On the platform, I can share my stories and my life with others. I finally found an audience for my words. But of course, there is one part of my life that I haven’t been able to be open about in my writing. Oh, I still write the stories, I just don’t share them publicly. It feels like I have put that part of my life into a secret box.

A few friends suggested I create a pseudonym to share that part of my world. It would mean compartmentalizing my life even more, a difficult thing to do when I’m writing honestly about my life, my experiences, and who I am.

While I have to be careful that I don’t give myself away, I can’t change any of the details of my world or it would be fiction.

My partner is the most important person in my life. I won’t hurt him. His secret is not mine to share. So here I am. I have created a pseudonym that will let me be open about this part of my life. But I’m back in the closet.

It’s not as dark and scary as it was when I was a teenager, since I have tasted freedom as a gay man. I’ve tried to convince my partner that his world won’t collapse if he cracks open that closet door but he’s not ready or willing to do that yet. And I have to respect that.

Have you ever had to edit who you are, for someone else? I want to hear how other people handle it.

Thank you for reading.