Why I’ll Keep Having Sex on the First Date
My ex was right, I did it again.
“Sleeping with someone the first time you meet them is a huge red flag for me,” he texted after we broke up.
There were a few problems, like his anger and probable lying addiction. But apparently, there was another issue unbeknownst to me: we had sex on the first date.
“I never said anything but it did eat away at me slowly,” he professed.
“I never, ever date anyone I sleep with for the first time.”
I had to laugh. He made it seem like I was a forceful animal.
But I was also angry. It felt like he was attacking my sexuality meanwhile he got the green light afforded to all men — but only men.
“If it was that easy for me, it’s going to be that easy for the next guy.”
I was a bit confused. If we’d stayed together, it wouldn’t have been “that easy” for the next guy because there wouldn’t have been a next guy.
But we didn’t stay together. And it was that easy for the next guy. I don’t regret it for a few main reasons.
You Can’t Fight Connection
You can fight connection if abstaining from sex is right for you. But if you both want it, there’s nothing morally wrong about that.
Before I met my ex, we texted daily for about a month. When we met, the connection matched. This doesn’t usually happen for me, but when it does, I’ll give it my all. I shouldn’t have to justify that though.
It doesn’t matter how long two consenting adults have known each other, they’re allowed to have sex and not feel bad about it. If you’re going with the flow of energy and it leads to a lesser-clothed place, that doesn’t say anything about your character.
Sex Feels Good
The main reason I’d have sex again on a first date is that, like many people, I also like sex.
Unfortunately, we’re still dealing with double standards when it comes to the bedroom. A man who likes sex, and therefore, has it, is normal. A woman who does the same is still seen differently.
I had true feelings for the sexist guy I slept with. But women shouldn’t have to. A woman can have sex just because she likes it. Maybe she doesn’t have a full connection. Perhaps she’s just in the mood and likes someone enough to move forward. We need to continue normalizing that. We’re not there yet.
Your Disrespect is Your Problem
Saying the early sex “ate away at him slowly” was hurtful to me.
But it was also a little comical. I mean, that’s overly dramatic. He made it seem like the whole ordeal had his soul withering away a little more each day.
In reality, if I’m bad, isn’t he just as bad? Given that he was the one to initiate, how am I the only one in the wrong?
The answer is sexism.
It’s another example of where what’s okay for a man isn’t okay for a woman.
TV show plots are built off of men trying to trick women into one-night stands. It happens in real life too. But when a woman does it, without tricking anyone, she’s somehow lesser worthy of love — less human.
Getting sexual on the first date, despite texting several paragraphs daily beforehand, made me only for sex. According to him, it took me out of the “relationship” category and put me into the “just sex” category.
If I were younger, I’d probably consider changing my behavior. I used to watch YouTube dating videos bashing pre-boyfriend sex. In particular, one “coach” told other women not to give themselves up “too quickly” in fear that men would think differently.
The older version of me sees that consequence as a benefit: if you think differently of me because of sex, thank you for letting me know now.
If a man disrespects me because of sex, he’s not the person I want to be with long-term. (Or short-term). I’d rather figure that out now than later.
It Says Nothing About Loyalty
My ex wanted to explain that he wasn’t being sexist in his feelings about my sexuality. It wasn’t meant to be insulting.
“If it was that easy for me, it’s going to be that easy for the next guy.”
Given that we wanted to be together long-term, there wasn’t supposed to be another guy. It would have meant I cheated.
Sleeping with someone on the first date doesn’t mean you aren’t loyal. It’s just another example of sexuality being used as an excuse to be accusatory.
This isn’t the first occasion a man has initiated sex and then used my enjoyment of it to cast judgment.
“If you like it that much, you’ll cheat on me,” another ex theorized.
Stop punishing women’s sexuality. Stop asking for it and then using it against them.
Final Thoughts
How soon someone has sex should always be up to them. If that takes a long time, okay. If not, that’s cool too.
As far as we like to think we’ve come, we still judge women’s sexuality by different standards. In your own relationships, consider which rules only apply to women. Then feel free to break them.