OTHER WRITERS BE LIKE

Why I Write at Starbucks

If I’m writing in public my house may be on fire

This handsome fellow is working on his novel he’s been writing.

He’s got his phone plugged into the other outlet if there is one. He’s not doing much typing. He’s not even sitting in an ergonomic position.

When I tell people that I’m a writer they think I’m this guy. They think I get up early and get dressed. Then I drive myself down to the coffee shop because that’s where writers write. Right?

Those aren’t writers. They’re unemployed assholes who go to the coffee shop and stay there for hours, monopolizing the lone outlet and telling everybody who will listen they are a writer.

I don’t own a car. I have DUI’s and the Uber app. The only writers who have cars are the ones who work for Lyft.

I am always writing at the quietest most distraction-free place possible. Preferably at home in front of a real computer using my mechanical keyboard (Cherry Blacks). I do not use a MacBook Pro. The new keyboard on those overpriced aluminum cans is somehow worse than the old one.

If I am writing at a coffee shop my internet or power is out. Most likely for me not being able to pay the bill.

There’s nothing social when I’m working on something. Here’s what I aspire to look like when forced to write something at the coffee shop.

I have ordered a plain old coffee. I am not here for coffee. I’m wearing headphones and hoodie with the hood up. My body language is set to piss off you wankers.

The phone is ignored. I have intentionally not bathed. I don’t want to talk.

If you ask me what I’m writing I will ignore you until you walk away. If you persist I will tell you I’m writing Dragon Ball Z bondage erotica fan-fiction. Unless I think that will lead to more questions in which case I’m writing about golf.

If I’m writing at the coffee shop it’s because it’s the quietest, most distraction-free place I could find. And that’s sad.

Real writers don’t go write at the coffee shop by choice or to impress people. They do it because people won’t leave them alone at home.