Why I Will Never Send Nudes

I get asked all the time for nude selfies, but I never oblige

I’d like to consider myself something of an open-minded lass. I’ll try almost anything once, and if I like it, I’ll go back for seconds and thirds — I can be a little bit greedy.

But the one thing I won’t be flexible about is sending men nudes.

Every woman alive today over the age of 16 has probably been asked, begged, bribed, and pleaded with, to send a guy in her life photos of her “assets” at least once in her life. In our modern lifestyle with 12-megapixel cameras in everyone’s pockets and the ability to transmit those photos instantaneously around the world in a second, it was almost inevitable that taking naked pictures and sending them to people would become “a thing”.

It’s just not a thing that I’m comfortable with for a few reasons.

The Confidence Trap

Up until about three or four years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to send anyone a picture of my naked body because I was absurdly self-conscious about how I looked naked.

It wasn’t so bad that I would only have sex with my husband in the dark or I’d lock the door when I was having a shower so he wouldn’t come in and “accidentally” see me naked.

In fact, I’ve always slept naked and was “reasonably” comfortable with myself. I just didn’t think that I “looked good” naked, so the idea of sending someone a picture of my small B-cup breasts or whatever just didn’t feel right.

I think back to the Seinfeld episode about “good naked” and “bad naked” — I always considered myself as “meh naked”.

And this is kind of where the “Confidence Trap” comes into play.

At some level, almost every woman has body issues. We feel uncertain and even somewhat ashamed about some part of our body and the idea of showing that to another person is embarrassing to even consider.

Some men will play on this and use it to get women to send them nudes.

“Oh baby, I think your breasts are great, send me a picture, so I can see.”

Then, in a moment of weakness, she’ll send him the photo he wants, and he’ll reply back telling her how amazing she looks and how excited it makes him.

The behavior will escalate from there. He’ll ask for more nudes, showing my areas, in more risqué positions. His female partner, she’ll get a sense of acceptance and an endorphin hit from his compliments and send him more images.

It’s a form of coercion with a side order of gaslighting.

And women, especially younger women are incredibly susceptible to this kind of predatory behavior.

Things Can Go Very Wrong

If the issue was just confidence, I think I would have been able to get past it — confidence is not something that I’ve ever lacked in any material way.

But I’ve seen a few instances of how negatively this can play out for women.

One of my colleagues at my law firm had a case last year where a young lady sent her boss, who she was having a sexual relationship with, nude photos of herself.

He began showing, not sending, the photos to select other male members of staff around the office. As these things are wont to do, she became the target of bullying and sexually gratuitous comments and her personal and professional relationship with her boss degenerated.

She filed an HR complaint and in short order, he was fired, but unfortunately for her, she became “toxic” in the workplace and no other department was willing to accept her being transferred in.

She was eventually made redundant as her team was disbanded and she came to our firm looking for legal representation.

While my colleague was able to reach a small settlement with her former employer, the reality was that her reputation was damaged significantly among her peers that it was genuinely untenable for her to return even if that had been offered.

Another incident that I was involved in was much closer to home. My husband’s 16-year-old niece was suspended from school for sending her 17-year-old boyfriend nude photos.

She alleges that he was asking her repeatedly to send the photos and she acquiesced. She went into the girl’s bathroom, while wearing her school uniform, removed her underwear and took a photo up her kilt, and sent it to him via text during the school day.

The teacher heard the phone, confiscated it, noticed her name as the sender, and because she’d stepped out to use the toilet from class, the teacher demanded to see the text.

I went to the school as a form of a quasi-legal representative, but again, she didn’t really have any grounds to dispute the suspension. In fact, total expulsion was an option that she was lucky to avoid.

You Can’t Control Other People’s Actions

Women’s bodies are beautiful. My body is beautiful.

I love looking at the female naked form.

But nudes are risky business for women and once they are sent, you no longer have control over what happens.

Innocent and playful pictures can turn into sinister dramas that you had never anticipated — harassment, revenge porn, wide-scale denigration.

These things are real, and they happen.

If you’re in a committed long-term relationship and as a woman, you get off or are aroused by sending your lover naked pictures of yourself, then have at it, I’m not here to tell you how to live your life.

But for most women, that’s not how the whole nudes thing plays out.

We’re often cajoled and manipulated into sending nudes to men in our lives against our better judgement.

What I’m saying to all of my fellow beautiful, strong women out there, think twice, think three times, sleep on it, do whatever you need to do to give yourself time to consider the full impact of sending that seemingly harmless picture that you’re being asked to send.

It’s better to not send it and disappoint him, then to send it, and try to do damage control if it leaks out later.

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