Why I Want to Be in an Open Relationship
It’s not that my partner isn’t enough
Many people wonder why I want to be open. They ask, “Why aren’t you just happy with what you have?”
“Why can’t you just commit?”
Some people may even go as far as to add: “Well don’t be surprised when it doesn’t work out.”
I get where these people are coming from. If I truly loved my partner, I should be able to give up the possibility of other people for his sake. I should find contentment in what I already have.
As Mark Manson writes:
“It’s only by rejecting alternatives, by giving up certain freedoms through making commitments, that our freedom becomes meaningful. For instance, when you commit to one partner, part of the significance of that commitment is the fact that you have given up the freedom to commit to other people.”
I couldn’t agree with that statement more.
You don’t find meaning or fulfillment by constantly searching for more. You find it by committing to something. You find it by making the choice to be happy with what’s already there.
And when it comes to relationships, this means finding happiness in your commitment to a single person.
But none of the above is incompatible with non-monogamy. You can be committed to someone and still see other people.
Wanting to see others doesn’t mean you will give up what you already have as soon as you find something your perceive as “better”. It doesn’t mean you lack appreciation for your current partner.
Wanting more doesn’t equate to needing more.
I don’t need to see other people. I don’t need more than what I have.
But just because we don’t need more, doesn’t mean we should not pursue more. If we were to stop going after anything we didn’t need, we would simply be monks.
We would sit all day meditating because why not? We don’t need more. We are happy with what we have: ourselves. Our existence.
No need for decadence, sex, alcohol, caffeine or dancing. Everything we have is right there inside of us. The miracle of our breath and our bodies.
If it were wrong to pursue more than what we needed, we would all sit cross-legged all day simply appreciating that.
And there is virtue in that. It would benefit us to be monks for at least some small part of our days. (I personally meditate every morning and try to sit with myself without thinking or wanting.)
But the reality is, 99% of us don’t want to be monks. The vast majority of us are in pursuit of more than what we really need.
My open relationship
My partner Flo and I have been dating for about six months. We love each other. I am as happy with him as I’ve ever been with anyone.
And we are committed to one another. Even though we are taking it day by day, we want this to work out long term.
I don’t need anyone else.
But I’m not a monk.
Just like I love other worldly pleasures, like spices, and sunlight, I love meeting new people and connecting with them. I love flirting. I love sex.
So why make a strict rule to NOT do any of those things with more than one person? Not needing to do them is not a good enough reason.
In our society, it’s much more common to be (or at least appear to be) in a monogamous relationship than an open one. But that doesn’t make it natural. That doesn’t mean it’s the type of relationship that will work best for everyone.
Those skeptical of non-monogamy often give fear-based reasons for why it doesn’t work.
They talk about the fear of their partner leaving them for someone else. They talk about their own jealousy or insecurities. They talk about the fear of over-complicating their lives.
And these are the people who have actually considered non-monogamy. But most people don’t even consider that possibility. I certainly hadn’t until I stumbled upon the Burning Man community in Brooklyn several years ago.
In that community, I met people for the first time who were successfully and happily practicing open relationships and polyamory in an ethical and conscientious manner. And upon discovering this new world, I resonated with it.
But most people haven’t had that opportunity. They just accept the norm without ever questioning it.
But just because something is the norm, the default option, doesn’t make it better.
Just like you don’t need to defend your choice to drink alcohol occasionally, I shouldn’t need to defend my choice to want to flirt openly, date, or kiss other men.
My partner is enough. I’m insanely happy in my relationship and I’m not missing anything.
Our openness is not a threat, but an opportunity. It’s a chance to grow and to experience even more love and joy. And I won’t let my fear of negative consequences put a limit on that.
If you liked this, read more about my relationship with Flo here:
